How can I get over my experience on a mental health ward

[Rubyred20]

I’ve asked this on Reddit and the student room but I don’t think anyone could be bothered to read it! I get on really well with the people I work with, there’s about 15 people there and they know I had mental health problems and were supportive but I don’t feel like sending this ramble to them 😆

I was only there for 3 weeks but don’t know where to start when it comes to my experience there tbh. I’ll try not to ramble on too much.

I was sectioned involuntarily at the start of 2018 when I was 20.

After I came out I told myself to instantly drop it, it doesn’t have to affect the rest of my life. You get some people who go through really traumatic experiences (not saying it was traumatic 😆) and they come out smiling.

I got a job at the end of the year, went into supported housing and everything was going really well, I always say 2019 was actually the happiest year of my life!

But for some reason a lot of negative memories keep popping up. Some of these memories are extremely cringey, and I have some regrets.
It’s been on my mind a lot lately and I feel really depressed, I wake up feeling ashamed, angry and upset. I try and talk to my family about it and don’t get much support.

At first I went into a&e screeching at the top of my voice that I actually want to die 😬. I kept going what the fck is this all about over and over again.
This was really really cringey. I’m not usually attention seeking, it wasn’t a “cry for help,” I just felt like I was drunk or something and not in control of myself.

My dad sat there completely indifferent and the nurses just stood there looking at me as if I’m an animal in a zoo.

What would’ve been nice was if someone just said shut up, calm down and here’s a glass of water but suppose I’ve only got myself to blame.

The way I deal with this is to think it wasn’t me it was someone on a picture who looks like me 🤣 like if there were a lineup of girls who look similar they wouldn’t remember me.

Anyway I went into hospital (and managed to humiliate myself at least 20 times 🙃). First the staff treated me as if I’m a naughty 2 year old or something, they kept coming up my room going “are you ready to start talking now”

Well I wasn’t in the mood for talking actually which was understandable but they all just stormed off in a mood.

Then over the next few weeks there were days where I was paranoid and rang the police about “some black people stood near my room” 😬
I’m half Bengali myself, I’m not some racist skinhead but after that what I had was dozens of black people glaring at me.

Because I was so mental I kept pacing up and down the corridors from my room to the main room and what I got was people giving me dirty looks like what a weirdo.

I was on strong medication and kept walking up the corridors going I can’t walk and all I got was loads of staff and patients acting like I’m being a nuisance and giving me daggers.

There was this other patient called rose and I said do you want to come back to my room for a bit and she looked annoyed and said I’m fine watching the telly, I kept dwelling on how lame this sounded

Then I said to her do you want me to get the door for you and she just screeched in my face. In fact actually this might’ve been before the invite to the room 😬 I just don’t know what I was thinking.

This is one of the things I regret the most.

She was sat talking to a Chinese doctor and I went up to them to ask something and he said to her do you want to go somewhere more private and she was like yeah looking annoyed.

Then for some reason instead of thinking fck off then I thought I should follow the doctor and say I’ll wait for you 😒

I just wasn’t myself. I got bullied in highschool but at least I was able to wear makeup and defend myself by getting good grades and smirking at them.

I went into the kitchen and this lad did an impression of me shaking and looking anxious, then he seemed to feel stupid and said do you need help with something

So I said no I just need the milk, then he got in a mood and stormed off.

It was all just actually really hurtful, but yeah I’m quite sensitive

I just couldn’t believe the fact that not a single person asked if I was okay or tried to help, I mean they were mental health professionals. They all just left me to it.

There was another night when I was paranoid that there’s a rapist in the building.

Well instead of keeping a low profile in the living room I decided to go the door and screech at a nurse behind it going open the door with your badge.

Then I was shouting along with the telly at the TOP of my voice going no David not like that when David Attenborough was on. Remembering how cringey this was just makes me feel physically awful.

Then nurses for some reason decided to focus on the fact that I’m not wearing shoes and told me to put them on in my room.

Well I was convinced that this was where the rapist was hiding 🙃 so I kept going no I’m not getting raped and all they could do was say go and put on your boots over and over again.

Then I went and hid in the toilets.

I still haven’t described some of the cringey things I did, it’s hard to explain its just the way I looked and acted.

But the way I deal with it is just think blame the incidents on being mental, it’s in the past
and you just have to move on.

I’ve looked on Reddit for ways to get over embarrassing memories and they can help.

But just to carry on rambling, my Dad made everything worse. He lost my makeup bag for a start! But he can be quite childish and kept going oh you don’t have to cry, you don’t have to fall over and was winding me up even more, smirking along with some of the nurses.

He is just a bit simple and childish tbh and the way he acted was very embarrassing in front of all the other patients.

I also decided to ring him in front of everyone and say “I know I’m worthless and nothing, I’ll be whatever you want me to be and we can all go to Bangladesh together”.

I was so out of it that I was lying on the chair with my really hairy legs sticking out but it didn’t occur to him to say cover your legs up or I’ll get you a razor.

There was a black doctor who shouted at me for doing so much as eating toast and smirked along with another blonde nurse when she was hostile towards me.

I regret not standing up for myself a bit. This nurse shoved into me at one point and I didn’t do anything and other people looked at me like she’s pathetic

This blonde nurse decided to write lies about me saying I’ve assaulted her and that I made sexual comments about my brother and I’m a threat to children. She was probably jealous of what I look like and was so hostile it was practically comical tbh.

I just think of it like well I’m only human and I was there because I had mental health problems, maybe I wasn’t feeling strong enough to “stand up for myself”.

My dad was sat having a brew with that doctor and I really regret not saying something and telling the doctor to fck off.

He was a bit patronising towards my dad, like my dad was like oh I could have your job and I was gonna say the doctor smirked but tbh you could say it was more of a chuckle than a smirk. Maybe it wasn’t that big a deal, I dunno.

This is what pisses me off the most. I felt like the staff were just laughing at me when I was at a low point in my life and then they’re laughing because they’re like and she’s got a simple dad 😐

Edit: come to think of it he wasn’t that patronising to my dad which was good because that’s one of the main things I was bothered about

and in ward round I looked at my dad as if he’s saying something stupid and the doctor looked disappointed

Anyway I don’t expect anyone to give advice like a top therapist or something, suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest

I’m thinking of just buying some new eyeshadow and getting my hair done to just cheer myself up, maybe that’s the solution 😆

“…. lineup of girls who look similar ….”
It would probably be helpful if you could talk with a therapist. Maybe your doctor could make a referral?
Have you tried keeping a journal of these things as you think of them? You are good at writing.
Sorry you are troubled by your memories. I hope you find something that helps.

You were clearly having a mental health crisis. I have seen a lot of people in very distressed states, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, you were not well.
However you are very focussed on this, you said u have posted in several forums so I wonder if u are currently struggling.
I really think you need to speak yo someone asap, GP, mental health team & get sone support.

It sounds really traumatic, I'm so sorry. I don't think it's weird or wrong that you still feel upset by all of this. It's normal to still need to process.

While some staff have good intentions, there are also abusive people working in mental health. And some patients are unkind or focused on their own issues.

It may take a while and be hard to reach a place of more compassion for yourself and finding it easier to move on. But that doesn't mean you can't do it over time xx

Kindly, OP, you seem very fixated on this and I think you should get some additional help.

I think you should speak to somebody about this. Sounds like you are struggling with it. Maybe ask your GP if they can help

Firstly, you are so strong for making it through a truly distressing time. I am sorry you feel you weren't treated with empathy and respect. Nobody deserves that, especially when they are at their lowest.

I am someone who gets highly embarrassed too and I find it one of the more difficult emotions to let go of.

How do you feel you are doing now other than struggling to let go of bad memories? What are you currently doing for yourself as a distraction when these thoughts pop up? When do they tend to pop up.. is their a particular trigger? How are you being kind to yourself right now and what things are you doing that bring you happiness?

I hope you are getting the mental health support you deserve now.

Do you have a diagnosis OP? It sounds like you were really quite ill so you should forgive yourself for the things that happened. The nurses and doctors will have seen it all before and much worse and the other patients will all have had their own issues they were dealing with. Do you have any ongoing support? Have you had the opportunity to talk this all through with someone? I think it would be worth getting some more support again right now if this is playing on your mind.

I think that you have gone through a very traumatic experience which may take time to recover from, maybe you could say that to yourself. I need time to recover from this and give yourself some grace.

Who knows what the other people in the facility were in for and at what stage they were in their treatment, the staff were maybe trying to take a step back and trying not to agitate you, I think that your perception of the other people in the mental health could also have been affected by your mental illness and you could try to see it through that lens ? Were you on any medication?

Please try to get some help in real life, you are effectively trying to treat yourself at the moment and carry on as if it hadn't happened.

You weren't well sweetheart,they'll have seen it all before, don't worry. Every time a memory pops up tell yourself you were poorly and it wasn't your fault and you're feeling better now. Give it time and maybe try and arrange some counselling ? 💐

OP I suffered a severe psychotic breakdown many years ago and was sectioned against my will for 3 weeks. I think the worst part of having had a mental health breakdown is that the memories don’t just disappear. Following my episode I had 3 YEARS of medication as well as therapy. It sounds like you need the latter. I could share a million stories of the absolutely batshit things I did and said during this time, both in the mental health hospital and to my partners family (honestly, I could be here all day). Instead I am going to say to do what I sometimes do and say out loud “I was severely ill at the time and my brain had malfunctioned. People didn’t understand and that’s okay. I am sorry for it, but I WILL move on from it. I cannot change the past, I need to let it go”.

I am now oddly grateful for having gone through this horrific experience because not only has it showed me who my people are (I lost “friends” and family over this), I look at people who are different in a completely different light. No one knows what is around the corner, mental and physical health is no guarantee. I do not judge anyone for their physical disabilities and now I’ve also learned to never judge anyone who stands out in any way. Who knows what their brain is up to at the time and no one chooses to be different. I certainly didn’t choose to walk around the local Coop loudly talking to God and asking the voices in my head to advice me on what food to buy. I could cringe every time I enter the shop years on, but instead I choose to hold my head high for all the things I’ve overcome.

Good luck to you and my advice is to not try to understand of what happened at the time. None of it makes sense to me now and that’s okay because I wasn’t myself at the time so the events don’t add up. The likelihood is that none of it made sense even at the time. Just accept, talk it out and move on. ♥️

I am a mh nurse and mean this in the kindest way possible. No one on the ward will remember you, the nurses are used to everything and everybody else is so busy in their own distress they won’t have paid enough attention to remember you.
when the memories flood back distract yourself and they will get easier.

No offense but it sounds like your still struggling with your mental health!

I think you need to forgive yourself for your behaviour as you were in crisis. Easier said than done but say to yourself what you would say to anyone else in that situation.

Don’t worry we’ve all done stupid shit in hospital. You wouldn’t have been in hospital otherwise 🙂. You were ill. And I've seen/heard far worse!

How are you doing now OP?

I’m doing well I’ll reply tomorrow, I’m just about to go to sleep 😆

I think you need some help to move on, so go see your GP to arrange.

You are unusually fixated on small details - no one but you remembers or cares about any of these details, so you can save your the brother of being embarrassed by them. Life is full of weird moments, the key is to let them go.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, op.

I don't think you're "weirdly fixated", you went through something deeply traumatic and now your mind is trying to process those experiences. The emotional reaction you have to these memories are those of a well person and you need to process that...Mental health wards are scary places and none of the staff will have thought you acted any more unusually than other patients.

I do agree with others that therapy would be useful for you, it will give you a safe place to confront your traumatic memories and move past them.

Just be kind to yourself, op