So sad

[heartsinklife]

All I wanted was for a family and children
I am now 34 (nearly 35) and have been once again been dumped this week after dating someone for a couple of months. Reason was 'I dont see a relationship with you'. No other feedback to go on. And obviously have never heard from him again and likely will never. In November 2020 I went through something hideous with a man I met online, I cannot even type it out without crying.

This seems to be a cycle and I can never seem to get into a relationship.

There is clearly something fundamentally unattractive about me that means I will never have the privledge of being in a committed relationship and having the chance to start my own family in a traditional sense. I feel like a joke to both men and woman. It is not paranoia either - I have seen their looks and heard what they have said about me behind my back. Everyone said and expected it to happen for me naturally when I was younger but with every failed 'dating' stage - it seems further and further. Life just seems so pointless and vacous without having someone to share the bounds of love and loyalty I have to give to someone. Its humilating at work when people talk about their holidays, partners and what they have been upto at the weekend. I tend to avoid the staff rooms now and particularly on a Monday. Bank holiday Tuesdays are really the worst.

What did I do to deserve this? Someone at work said she would not be surprised if I was suicidal as if she was in my position now she would feel awful.

Why do some people seem to fall into great relationships and others seem to have the issues like I have? It makes no sense

My Dad said to me at Christmas 'oh you must be feeling it this year - single and alone again but older'.

The thing is I do not see the situation changing at all - it actually seems to be getting worse. I seem to repulse men within the first meeting, and if it goes any further than a few weeks the breakup text comes in alleviating them of ever having to be in the same room as me again. Such is the curse that is being around me it seems

Also the fact is socially I feel I are subtly excluded by female friends as well - so called friends have slowly withdrawn whilst having babies and focusing on their partner, invites to bbqs and other social events have dwindled - also I have noticed alot of them see you are some sort of child because you have not met the milestones set out by societies standards. I was always supportive of their new relationships and genuinely happy when they annouced their pregnancies. But it seems I was just forgotten about. It feels like the elephant in the room. My mum said 'i dread to ask - hows your love life'. Other friends just laugh at 'how do you pick them' - so I stopped telling anyone much about my dating life to avoid the humilating of having to tell them someone else ghosted me or dumped me.

I feel so disposable as a friend and potential relationship partner,

I guess I am just posting to get this off my chest. No one knows how I feel in real life. I feel its hopeless to even explain. I work an incredibly stressful high stakes job and just come home to silence, no one to talk to except my cat. I do not want to burden anyone and to be honest with how people (friends and family / coworkers) have treated me I really do not trust them to make any sort of productive remarks. I wondered if any of you can provide some inspiration to step into my weekend with a more posiitive mindset. Today I just want to be in a dark room alone and sleep. I have felt like this on and off for about a year.

I am due to attend a hen party in a couple of weeks and I just do not think I can do it. I have paid for it and I love my friend who is getting married. All of the woman there are married / about to be married / have their third child on the way and I just cannot face it. I think it is because I know what they are thinking, and they are thinking similar to my colleague who said she would have fault awful in my position. 'It will happen for you'. Well it hasnt has it.

I lived alone throught out COVID and I really do not think it has done me any favours - none of my so called friends reached out and wanted to buddy with me. I was forgotten about. Despite being a willing participant at all their weddings, hen parties, baby showers and travelling abroad to see them be happy. When it came to me I barely got a message from them. I tried to reach out at the beginning.

I just wanted a safe space to feel heard so sorry that was a dump there - I dont even know what anyone can really say. I suppose if I heard someone say what I just said I would just want them to feel heard and validated, thats probably all I am looking for really. The usual advice of 'get a hobby' 'it will happen when you are not looking' is all a bit patronising at this stage. I have hobbies, I keep myself busy.

So many people have let me down, I just feel totally disappointed in life and how my expectations of what could have happened to me are so different to the reality. I guess that is the same for many people and that is life.

Thanks for reading

I hear you and I am sorry you have had a rotten time with relationships.
I get the feeling from all that you've been through it has really coloured your self perspective and feeling of worth, no surprise. When I have sometimes been on the receiving end of bad treatment part of me thinks 'well I must deserve it' but then a little voice tells me actually no, X should not have treated me like that .
What also stuck out a mile is the thoughtless comments you've had off other people, some of those you described were real stingers. They should not be saying things like that to you! None of their business! Anyone concerned for you should be putting it more positively. Perhaps, if you can, try to calmly say something like ' please don't make negative comments/ ask negative questions, perhaps a genuine How are you?' would be welcome'

Thank you

Dear @heartsinklife I could have written every word of your post, have felt every single phase of the emotions you express. I thought there was something wrong with me. There wasn't.

I am a bit odd (ADD and depression) and so is DH (autistic) but as soon as we met we clicked and have been together very happily ever since for 25 years. Had DC late in life (at 39-40.)

DH said he had zero luck with women until me and the difference (he believes) is that a few weeks before he met me he decoded to stop thinking there was anything wrong with him and just enjoy life all by himself. It meant that when we met he wasn't the bitter man with barriers up that he had been in the past. He was light hearted and happy in himself.

As for me, something similar. I had been turning down opportunities to go out and was in mid winter hibernation mode after yet another man chucked me for no reason when something in me just said: stop hiding, go out and do things you love. I met DH through a shared passion. We couldn't stop talking all night long.

You sound lovely but lonely and exhausted by the process of dating. I recommend you give yourself a massive dose of self care and self love and start doing things you really enjoy for their own sake - something physical and sporty, something arty or hobby based, something totally out of your comfort zone. Not to meet men but to enjoy and expand life. Then if a man comes along either through one of these or in some other setting, you will be vibrant and independent and have lots to offer.

There are also dating sites for people who specifically want to become parents. Some are looking for love, some are looking to be platonic but actively involved in childcare. I think if I hadn't met DH, I would have explored these. If you want a child, it makes sense to be looking in a place where the men want the same as you.

Bless you

Thank you x x

Hi @heartsinklife your post made me well up a little bit because I could relate to how you are feeling and what you are going through. I was single for a very long time and felt almost bullied for it. I was at a stage where I was desperate for a family life. TBF I didn't get much "it will happen for you " etc. It's was more like " gosh you are now ? Old, the likelihood of you finding a husband at this age will be so small". If I could go back in time I would tell myself to be more accepting of the life I have. These people who we assume are judging us are only inflicting their own insecurities onto us. They say the words and within seconds forget what they have said and the impact it has on us. We, however, will dwell on those words for a very long time. Once you have what you want, may it be a family or whatever, these same people will point out the things that ,in their opinion, are still missing from your life. You will still , occasionally, be made to feel inadequate as a person. So my advice is to live your very short ,very precious life as gently and as beautifully as you can. You may or may not fulfill your dream of having a family. Whatever the outcome, decide that you will be content or near enough. Just the way in which married people have to when they also have to live with circumstances that they haven't chosen or didn't expect.

Bless you ❤️

I was the same as you. Disastrous relationships into my 40s. I got told 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

I also figured out that being responsible for myself was like being responsible for a child. When a child is sad, or let down, or disappointed, over and over, can you imagine how damaging it would be to say 'There must be something wrong with you, then, it's the only logical conclusion'?

Stop doing this to yourself. The fact is, some people have better luck than others. You're much more likely to find a healthy relationship if you're happy in yourself to start with. You don't want a partner who's looking for someone with low self confidence, do you?

Be nice to yourself. Actively take care of yourself. If you're unhappy, do things that make you feel comforted and better, rather than resorting to 'There's something wrong with me' Nobody can look after your beautiful, sensitive heart better than you; nurture it, don't talk it down.

you sound lovely in your message and not at all unlikeable. You friend must like you to include you in her hen do. Some of your friends and family do sound incredibly rude though.
would you consider starting a family alone? I get it’s not the ideal complete set you sound like you would like though. Some people do meet their partner later in life...but a baby is more time sensitive ( if that is what you would like)

I hear you. I've had a very similar experience to you – in a nutshell, horrid relationship experiences most of my life, from sexist and emotionally abusive and controlling men to liars, cheats and people who'd dump me after a few weeks, like you. It is incredibly hard on the self-esteem, and I had all the same thoughts as you – what's wrong with me, how does it happen for everyone else, etc. I HATED the empty, vapid platitudes like 'it'll happen for you sometime!' or advice from people that was totally useless like 'think positive' and 'give people a chance' - that's exactly what I did and it all turned out badly anyway!

There are two things that saved me from getting too dark. One: being a pessimist. It helps I never wanted kids or marriage anyway, so I was never looking for that, but I did want a fulfilling, supportive, happy relationship. However, I had no expectation that it would 'just happen'. Maybe I did in my teens and early 20s but even as I grew up and saw many other people getting into relationships, I didn't think that would be me. I felt resentful and jealous that it was so easy for others but I came to a point that I was actually pretty happy with the idea of being single long term, perhaps forever, and had stuff planned for my future accordingly like taking a sabbatical to travel for example. I've never had any time for what society says we should be doing, I don't measure myself by those milestones and it helps that I live in London where being single in your 30s is perfectly normal, and many of my friends are too.

Two: therapy. Lots of it. I did three years worth of psychodynamic therapy to examine basically everything about who I am and my core beliefs and how I behave in relationships, and what might be behind me being drawn to useless, emotionally constipated, manipulative manbabies who kept dumping me. It was absolutely life-changing, and I'm a different person after it, so much more at peace with myself and happy with my life.

The people saying things to you like they'd be suicidal in your position are just nasty dickheads. Even if you DO desperately want the picket fence marriage and kids in the suburbs we're told to aspire to, you should have more common sense and emotional intelligence than to say that to someone! Also, having a partner and kids doesn't preclude someone from still valuing and thinking of/spending time with their friends – could you pursue new avenues of making friends? not necessarily a hobby (although that's one option) but honestly, not everyone thinks you're some kind of five-headed leper if you're single in your 30s, or only wants to hang out in couples. I'd recommend trying to find people who know that.

Society's general messaging is really shit to single people but something like 30% of all adults live alone so it's not that uncommon (don't quote me on that, I haven't checked the ONS but it's around that figure). We need to realise being single is perfectly normal and just one way of being, and being partnered isn't the superior way to live.

I know
I already hve seen one of the ferttility consultants sbout this

I work in health care

Its just unbelievable how a decent woman cannot find a decnet man to procreate with - its just humiliating.

Apologies for my brief ending, got interrupted.
You sound like a very nice person who has been through rough times. Try to be kinder to yourself, you deserve better. This is a good starting point. Give yourself space from looking for a relationship for now and concentrate on yourself. Sorry you are sad, sending a hug.

Its just unbelievable how a decent woman cannot find a decnet man to procreate with - its just humiliating

It's random, it's not personal. 'Humiliating' makes it about you, when there's nothing about you in it at all. All over the world, people and animals are having unlucky things happen to them right now, for no good reason. Someone lovely will just have been run over, somewhere. Someone else who's always taken great care of themselves will have been diagnosed terminal.

Stop thinking that being decent means you are entitled to have certain things; you're not. We are all entitled to feel whatever we feel though, and this is the bit you do have some control of.

Your mindset is currently that of a child: 'It's not FAIR.' You're right, of course, but choosing that to focus on when there's so much out there to be happy about is simply a tantrum.

Thank you so so so so so so so so much

Your post was like an angel sighing - thank you. I needed to hear it thanm you

@heartsinklife

“Its just unbelievable how a decent woman cannot find a decnet man to procreate with - its just humiliating.”

oh no, please don’t think this! Not humiliating. Do not be ashamed. It would humiliating to have a baby with some unsuitable fuckwit just for the opportunity to have a baby. It would humiliating to knowingly settle for a unsuitable idiot just to fit in. Having a baby on your own can be liberating and taking control of your own destiny.

💐💐💐

You’ve had some good advice on here. I think you’ve not had that many replies because, like me, many people are thinking that there is nothing wrong with you, you’ve just not had the luck, or been in the right place at the right time.

You have come across some very insensitive people but I’m thinking you are probably picking up on all the negative words and glossing over the bits that are probably trying to be a bit more supportive, because that’s how you feel about yourself.

Be kind to yourself. I like the child analogy.
It may, or may not happen. But if it doesn’t, then as pp say, aim to make the most of it. Expect the worst and hope for the best, but above all know that some fundamentally decent and perfectly nice people, just have a bit of bad luck meeting the right person. It’s not your fault that your paths haven’t crossed yet.

I know - I also went on a bit of a pity party.

My friend has a brother like this to be fair.