I need to vent

[overit234]

I need to anonymously vent about EVERYTHING!
Who knows maybe I'll get some tips or insight because right now I feel like banging my head against a wall till I pass out.
I homeschool 4 kids, my husband works mostly from home, we are financially stable and in a solid marriage. The kids were in a private school (all primary aged) but once Covid hit we thought we'd give homeschooling a go (I was a sham before anyway so no big changes there) the kids are doing great academically, we've made some great friends in the homeschool community, I find the work interesting. Generally speaking it's all dandy. Husband got a promotion recently and we're renovating kitchen and bathrooms atm. The only thing that's not ok is me, my mental health and the support I get (lack thereof). I had pnd 6 years ago, I know what depression with suicidal thoughts feels like this is not it, I have been off antidepressants for a year. I feel overwhelmed and angry. Not all the time, I have days weeks where I'm planning everything, I'm on top of things I can do the million things I need to do and talk to my children and teach them and be all everyone in this family needs me to be however without fail I crash and burn. I turn into an angry psycho mess usually one day is about how long it lasts. I have tried meditation, breathing exercises, music therapy, counting... once I'm in that phase there's no turning back, I cannot rewind if I can only try to contain it, if I am left alone that would look like frantic cleaning and not talking to anyone but that NEVER happens everyone always comes at me with A MILLION THINGS and I have explosions where I yell things like 'I don't care what show you're watching' 'just leave me alone for 10 minutes' ... not nice things and not how I usually parent and not how I want my children to remember me. My husband is not immune and I usually unload some deep feelings on him like ' I need help, I've told you I need help and no one helps me, I'm going to lose my mind' kind of thing.
He is not supportive, I mean he tries, he'll listen and he'll feel bad and he'll ask me what he can do, problem is I tell him but it never changes, I tell him I need him to be nice if I'm this state and not ask me questions just take charge so I can wallow in my own mess of emotions but again today he's annoyed Im angry he doesn't understand and he keeps asking me questions like "what can I do" or "do you want me to buy dinner" ... I can't even respond sometimes because I know if I open my mouth I will vomit some rage and he doesn't deserve it but all I think is " OMFG work it out yourself, you want to buy dinner fucking buy dinner! "
Just over it, I feel like I breath the air for them I chew their food before I feed it to them and if I ask for help I don't get it!
I want to be better I just don't think I can physically and mentally be if I am me.

Hi. When I read in the first section you were homeschooling 4 children I thought wow that sounds very very hard- plus all the other stuff that comes with running a house. It sounds like you are maxed out and your current daily life isn’t sustainable for you to stay sane! It sounds like people are constantly demanding stuff from you and you don’t get breaks.
what changes could you make? Have a set hour or so a day when you are out of the house alone doing something that can help you relax and leave your phone at home? Pay for more help with domestic stuff so you can sit down in the evenings and relax? or consider sending kids back to school? Some schools offer flexi- schooling where you can home school 2/3 days per week?
whatever the change is, please try something for your sake but also I’m sure your family wouldn’t want you to feel this way.

Wow you are doing so much. No wonder you feel like this sometimes. You are overwhelmed and stressed. I think you need to really spell it out to your husband exactly what he should do to help on those days, because he's not getting it. Literally give him orders.

Just one thought, i dont know how old you are but could you be perimenopausal? This can start 10 years before the actual menopause. This has how my friend was before she started HRT. She had other symptoms too, weight gain etc. Couldn't tell about periods because has the coil in.

You're absolutely overloaded and already in the early stages of burnout. It can get worse - there are more stages - so you need to urgently get rid of things on your shoulders.

And there's absolutely no way I could do what you do. Even teachers with kids at home don't! You're teaching 4 differently aged kids (assuming they're not quads and no twins or triplets). I realise home schooling is different but different ages have different requirements. Then you don't get a lunch break - you don't ever go to the staff room. You don't have the bell ring for the end of the day when yes, still more work to do, but without the demands of kids.

And that's just part of it.

Honestly it's too much. And nobody would be finding it all easy. And you know what? Even if the whole world did this everyday, it's too much for you and that's all that counts.

As minimum suggestions:

• How about getting a babysitter to come at the end of the school day for 2-3 hours so you have time to regroup? Even two days a week would help.

• A full day off at the weekend every month

• Kids going to school a couple of days a week

But shorter term you need a week away by yourself doing absolutely nothing. At all. I'm not kidding - see it as an investment in the future of your family and homeschooling life. Tbh you probably need a bit longer but that's harder to organise.

Burnout does not fade out if you just push a bit harder, hold on a bit longer. It is very seriously destructive. The fuse has been lit and you need to pour cold water on it rather than try to reroute it.

Here's 5 stages of burnout, I've seen more detailed lists of ten stages too. This will give you the gist of the development though.

www.thisiscalmer.com/blog/5-stages-of-burnout

I think anyone home schooling 4 kids would be completely overwhelmed and need a break aswell ! Look if you struggling like this your kids will know. Enrol them into school and have some time for yourself to get well. Maybe you need to go back to the gp and have some medication for a while even just a low dose to level you out a bit.

Wow thank you so much for the replies, won't lie I had a little cry.
I hadn't thought about peri menopause, it's possible, I am 40, but haven't had a period in forever and I'm still breastfeeding my 18 months old.
I should specify I am homeschooling 3 kids grades 4, 3 and prep. and then there's the baby, I didn't want to bore anyone with the details but yes it's been difficult to juggle to different requirements.
I really didn't know there are stages to burnout, I had a look at I am a bit alarmed, I feel like I'm between 3 and 4. I had asked hubby for my birthday to plan me going away for a weekend to a retreat, he didn't book it, I'm not sure how to get through to him, I would honestly have to do it myself and that's what I don't want, I need him to see I'm drowning and help me... it's been an ongoing issue, we've spoken about it many times even been to counseling and honestly it's the only issue in the marriage, I'm practically resigned to never getting this resolved, even with PND he will say 'I didn't see it' I just don't know how one doesn't, I was walking around our neighborhood at 3 in the morning in my pajamas crying with a baby strapped to me... I mean he's lucky I didn't find a bridge. It's much better now but the feeling is that I need to find the problem and solve it myself, he's there but he's not ... I'm not even sure I'm making sense.
Anyway practical solutions, I've called some child care centers and one seems very flexible and will accommodate having the younger two kids once a week so I have a walk through in a few days and fingers crossed it's a good fit.
I agree I can't sustain this, I definitely can see it getting worse if nothing changes.

I would consider sending your kids to school and taking that time to work on yourself, exploring therapy and getting support that you need. You could access midwife/ HV for a referral to specialist perinatal mental health team or similar service.
i wouldn’t look into your husband for making it better for you. He might not know how and it might also be affecting him. You can book the retreat etc yourself and put yourself in the driving seat of your own life.

the choices you have made have turned out to be unsustainable which is not really that surprising.

get your kids back in school. That would relieve an enormous burden.

You simply don’t have the capacity to do it - I don’t think anyone would!!!!