I’m really struggling

[Mynameispie]

I’ve name changed as I’ve not spoken to anyone about this and don’t want it linked to me in any way.
I’m really struggling and I don’t know how to help myself.
I wrote this this evening:
Why do I do this?

I fucking ruin things, it’s what I do, I’m ruining (DS name), I’m ruining my relationship, I’m ruining finances, I’m ruining our house.
I fucking ruin things and everything would be better if I just left.
Why do I have to say anything and make it someone else’s fault when it isn’t? Why do I have to snap when I’m tired or angry and make it someone else’s fault when it isn’t? It’s my fault. I make these things happen. I think it would be better if I left before I start to ruin (other DS name) too. I think it’s already started to be honest but I don’t know how to make it stop. How do I make it stop? I wish I could be better and do better but I just don’t know how.
Ruining things. The one thing she was good at.

I’ve self harmed for the first time in months tonight because I just feel like I need to punish myself because I’m ruining it all.
I want to be better, I don’t want to go back on my meds as I’ve been off them for 2 years now. I know I have the tools to help
myself but I feel like they’re not there anymore. I can’t remember how to use them.

I don’t want to post this because I feel so embarrassed but maybe someone will say something that will help. Or maybe just tell
me to sort myself out and pull myself together and get on with it.

Oh love, you have nothing to be embarrassed about and you're being so unnecessarily hard on yourself.

Are you safe? Do you need medical attention?

What's wrong with taking meds again? Mine have saved my life and I'm quite happy to take them for the rest of my life if I need to, there's no shame in it. Sometimes are brains just need a bit of a boost to work effectively and sometimes we have lives which are so much harder than those of others.

Please, please take to your gp. You don't have to take medication if you don't want to, but they can help you all the same.

I guarantee you are not responsible for all these things you think you are. That's illness talking.

Would you like to talk some more?

Its time you made a decision to change. No one can help you because the answer is inside you. You have to believe in yourself. Be brave & do not fear that you will mess things up. You are a beautiful human being who deserves a better life. Do not believe the bad thoughts in your head because those thoughts are lying to you and will eventually lead you to completely destroy yourself. When was the last time you felt happiness ? You have to start from the bottom and find the strength to stand up for yourself and start a brand new life. You can do it. Throw you shame and guilt away. Have a life you deserve because inside you there is a rough diamond that needs to be shaped cut and polished. You have nothing to loose in finding who you really are, but you do if you continue to throw your life away. You were born to shine. I mean it.

There is not a person alive who does not need help from time to time. Don't be ashamed. It is normal to find it hard to cope when you have small children to care for, a home to run, a job and it's so hard to keep all the balls on the air and not drop any. See your GP. There is no shame in taking medication to help you get through difficult times. Seeking help and support is a strength not a weakness. Don't hold it in and feel bad, share it and feel better.

Thank you for replying, yes I’m safe, I went right to sleep as soon as I’d posted this last night.

I’m not quite sure why I feel opposed to taking medication again, I feel like I worked so hard to come off it and to not have needed it for the past two years that all that work will be undone if I go back on it.

On the surface I feel happiness every day, but I also feel absolutely disgusted with myself when I snap at my boys when they haven’t really done anything wrong they’re just being normal 6/2 year olds. I take every opportunity to go out of the house without them. My husband will suggest bringing the 6 year old somewhere with me (the shops, walk the dog, other little errands) to get him out of the house and I just feel this overwhelming anger when he does that. Yet I do the same to him. I suggest exactly the same when he goes to the shops etc.

Sharing has already made me feel better, I have told my husband a few weeks ago I felt like I was struggling but then not really mentioned it since. I’ve just been acting/feeling happy on the surface but I feel like there’s nothing inside. I feel like I just get through the day so I can finally go to bed or just sit on the sofa. My MIL is coming tomorrow and the house is so untidy it’s unreal. She won’t care, she’s lovely, she just wants to see the boys but I am totally embarrassed by it, yet I can’t seem to do anything substantial about it.
Everything feels like so much effort.

I don’t want to go back on my meds as I’ve been off them for 2 years now. I know I have the tools to help
myself but I feel like they’re not there anymore. I can’t remember how to use them.

I understand, but coming off the meds was right then, and now it is right for you to go back on them, so you can access those tools you’ve got to help yourself. The meds will allow you to help yourself - they are a way of helping yourself not a failure.

I’m not quite sure why I feel opposed to taking medication again, I feel like I worked so hard to come off it and to not have needed it for the past two years that all that work will be undone if I go back on it.

It won’t be undoing your previous work. You can go back on the meds now knowing that it’s possible to come off them again when you feel well enough to. You know it’s possible to take them as a temporary measure because you have proved this to yourself.

Medication isn’t a moral issue. It’s not a measure of your self-worth. It’s self-care.

@NoSquirrels thank you, that really helps. I was just talking to someone the other day about how medication can help your mind be more receptive to CBT etc so I needed to hear that back.
I tried to phone drs this morning but no appointments until 10th June as it’s not urgent.
I have some of the sertraline I used to take in my cupboard still but I don’t know if it’s ok to just decide to start taking it again or if I need to talk to a GP first.

Thank you for updating op :)

The sertraline might be out of date now so I wouldn't start taking it until you've spoken to your gp. Also, I'd argue that if you're self harming then it is an urgent issue.

Snapping at your children and wanting space from them does not make you a bad person! You sound overwhelmed physically and mentally, cut yourself some slack. Young children are hard work! Being mum and responsible for everyone else is hard work!

Is there opportunity for your husband to step up more? Women so often take on the drudgery of running a home and managing a family without thinking that their other halves can do more.

@Basilbrushgotfat I actually forgot to phone again, I was feeding the baby. But I’m going to phone tomorrow and say I need a same day phone call. I need to start running or something similar again so I can have some time for myself and I felt amazing when I was running. It was so good for my mental health.

DH has recently got a new job/promotion which he is finding fairly stressful at the moment while he deals with teething issues and he does overtime as my maternity leave left us in a not so great financial position but we manage. On top of that I’m a noisy sleeper and we have no spare bedroom so he gets about 4 hours sleep a night. He does help, he probably could do more day to day but he does a lot of the ‘big jobs’ on his annual leave/days off.

I think our communication is lacking at the moment which obviously doesn’t help. I just find it hard knowing where to start to be honest. I don’t know what to do first so I do nothing.