Relationships and Mental Health

[SnoozingHippo]

Hi all
My husband has depression, he has done for many years, and so far during our marriage he has had two big 'episodes'. I have been there for him because I love him very much. I don't want to leave him and I'm not considering it, but I just cannot seem to get them out of my head.
I don't really know how to explain it, and I feel awful for even admitting to it. But it feels like they have almost tarnished the relationship. I know it sounds incredibly selfish and awful of me, and I know that if anything they have made us strongerm, but I think my issue - and I know it's very much my issue - is that when my husband doubts our relationship (when he's at his lowest, he doesn't feel love for anything or anyone) it makes me then in turn think he doesn't care or want us. I don't (luckily) have depression but I do wonder if something has flicked inside of me so that now I find I am wondering if our relationship is doomed and wondering whether people would judge us as having 'issues' (my husband did temporarily move out so I even wonder what the neighbours must think!)
I love my husband dearly and I do not want our relationship to end, but I wondered if anyone had ever felt the same. I'm not sure if I'm expressing what I mean clearly, but it almost feels like I do wonder how much one relationship can take. My husband has undoubtedly been to some dark places, but in a relationship sensem we have had some really horrible conversations I would never want to have again. I know there are many other people out there who have had much worse to deal with whose partners have had many depressive episodes, and I am in it for the long haul, but I wondered how to get past this feeling that our relationship has really suffered.
Hope this makes sense. Can anyone else resonate?
Thanks.

Of course your relationship has suffered. That's just the reality of the situation. When you got together I don't. suppose you expected to spend months and years living with someone who was seriously depressed, did you? You're allowed to feel a whole range of feelings, including anger and resentment as well as love and care. They'll all come and go at times and they're all normal.

Major episodic depression is horrible for the person suffering directly and awful for those around them who love them. You can love someone and still find them unbearable to live with. You can love someone and still feel devastated that they are unable to offer you the kindness and intimacy and support that you're entitled to expect from a relationship.

Stop worrying about what other people think and stop trying to assure yourself how much you love him and instead start thinking about yourself and what you want out of life. I have a friend whose very creative, often very lovely partner was diagnosed with clinical depression a couple of years after they married. After his second long period of depression she decided that she couldn't endure it and separated from him. Everyone who cared about her understood why.

We only get one chance at life. You have a choice. You can stay and make the best of what you have together or you can explore other options. Do you really want to spend your life living with someone who may be unable to give you the positive attention, love and support you deserve?

Thanks @Pluvia , you are right in everything you say. I sometimes feel like things would be a lot better if he didn’t doubt our relationship when he’s down. I selfishly start to think well what if it is the relationship, which is ridiculous because when he’s out of his episode, we’re absolutely brilliant and he’s a different person.

At the moment I couldn’t even contemplate leaving him but I do worry about the long term. I worry how many episodes our relationship can take and how many times I can hear “I’m not sure how I feel about you” to then when he’s coming out of it to hear “of course I’m in love you, it’s the depression clouding things.” I do feel very selfish as I know he’s suffering terribly but it is hard isn’t it. I think it’s also hard because I can’t understand how he feels as I’ve luckily never suffered. But I know I love him, and right now want to stick it out and just hope things get better one day.

I've been with my current partner for 24 years and neither of us would say we're 'in love' with one another. To me being 'in love' is an altered psychological state when the brain is awash with chemicals — the state most people spend a few months in when they first fall for each other. After that (when you've had time to mate and propagate the species, which is what this is really all about – evolutionary biology) I think, if you're lucky, you continue in a loving relationship, and even a loving relationship without mental health issues involved you'll have days (sometimes weeks) when you really don't like the other person and think about leaving.

I wonder whether you'd find it helpful to talk to a counsellor? In your first post you sounded embarrassed, ashamed almost, of your feelings. It might help to share them with a professional who can reassure you. My friend who left her husband said she used to think of herself reaching 60 and still enduring the depressive periods when he didn't have a kind word to say to her for months at a time. She didn't want that future. Instead of trying to brush your experience of his illness under the carpet, I think you both need to acknowledge how badly it affects you, too. No blame. Your husband is very unfortunate to have this debilitating condition. But he's not the only one who suffers as a result of it.

I agree, I think I do need some outside assistance because I know I cannot get the answers or comfort or support from my husband right at this moment. I just cannot seem to get past that part of our relationship is ruined, through no fault of either person. Perhaps I’m being a little dramatic and hormonal right now.

Whilst mental health appears to be a “hot topic” at the minute I don’t feel the other side is discussed, for example how it can affect relationships and how to work through it together. I love him dearly and just cannot fathom why he would question our relationship when he’s down, but then say he’s in love and of course it’s not the relationship when he’s more level. I have read so much stuff online about it and I accept this is what commonly happens, but I still struggle to get my head around it. I tell my husband it’s like him trying to imagine what period pain feels like- I can describe it but he can’t know how it really feels, if that makes sense!

Perhaps I’m being a little dramatic and hormonal right now.
You're minimising your feelings. I do think talking it through with a therapist would help you trust your own feelings.

I love him dearly and just cannot fathom why he would question our relationship when he’s down, but then say he’s in love and of course it’s not the relationship when he’s more level.
I'm concerned that you don't seem to understand that when he's depressed he's ill and not thinking in the usual way. I've never had clinical depression but I've had a long period of grey low mood after a major life event, and it knocks all the joy and pleasure and love out of you. When he's depressed he's expressing his depressed self. When he's not depressed he's his not-depressed self.

Have you ever called Mind or a local support group for those supporting people with MH issues? You might find those help.

Many thanks for your message. It's an odd one as I do understand he's not thinking in the usual way, I read all the symptoms but for some reason my own brain takes it personally - like I wonder why our relationship is the first thing he attacks, even though it's likely because I'm the closest person to him and it's just how depression is. He can seem so real and genuine when he questions us as it's always at the start start of his episode, and then he gets the 'typical' depressed symptoms afterwards eg can't get out of bed/missing events/the big black hole. It's only happened twice so far but each time it's knocked me sideways, but I'm starting to see a pattern now.

He is on the waitlist for a private therapist and the doctors have recently changed medication so I am hoping this will have an impact. In the mean time I'll have a look at your suggestions, as I don't want to crumble - I really want to be strong for him.

I suffer from periods of awful depression (under psychiatrist) and find support group great. There is also a group for family members but I am in Ireland. You really need to open up some space whether individually or in a group - maybe both. Good luck!

Thanks @Dora26 , I'll definitely look into that. Sorry to hear you suffer - have you found it's had a serious impact on relationships? How do you work through it?

Good luck. Next time you see your GP you might want to ask whether there are any support services for people in your position. Find a book, try some You Tube videos which may give you an insight in how depression feels for your partner. But above all I suggest finding someone to talk to about your feelings: a counsellor or therapist who won't judge and will encourage you to get to understand your feelings. Or perhaps some couples counselling. I hope you find your equilibrium.

Yes my depression can stress my relationships esp my marriage but we have been advised repeatedly of the need for the partner to have their support system - getting out/away for a break from the relentlessness of it. We found counselling - when not in deep depression- useful in coming up with a strategy we both agreed on. Best support was from peer support groups (separate)

That’s a hard situation to be in. You might benefit from working with a couple therapist, at a time when your husband is well, to create a relationship protection strategy for when he’s ill. You’d both look at how to maintain your relationship at times of illness and how to minimise damage. These are big themes - a therapist would be useful, to help you explore what you need from each other to make the relationship work when he’s depressed.

Thanks all, I think you’re completely right and I think I will raise it with my husband that we should have a strategy for when these episodes are likely to occur again. It is utterly heartbreaking seeing the one you love so empty, he becomes a shell. It’s difficult because we’ve started opening up more to friends and family and they are sympathetic but you can tell they don’t really get it. Then again, I struggle to “get” it so how can I expect them to!

When I need support from Jo ordinary -as opposed to my support group, I find it best to talk minimum about depression and mostly about anything else, for a break.