I think I may have this and I’m not sure what to do about it. I feel silly contacting a doctor because I feel like there are people with far worse mental health problems and life problems but maybe I just need some coping devices or help with changing my mindset.
On the surface I am generally known for being someone who does everything she needs to do at work and at home, I’m always helping people with childcare and friendly to everyone, I never complain. But deep down I feel so detached from everything, like I’m constantly having to perform ‘happy’ and ‘calm’. I have a knot of worry in my chest all the time, mostly about my 11 year old daughter who I suspect may have sensory/asd issues (her behaviour at home can be very challenging - she seems to be constantly looking for arguments and it feels like nothing is ever right for her), but also about my job - I always feel so inadequate there like everyone thinks I’m rubbish and I have to try extra hard and be extra agreeable. We’re a small team and I’m
always painfully aware that I’m not in the clique but then that’s my own fault for being shy and awkward I guess.
I take on far too much work in my own time and do favours for people because I’m scared of saying no. I fret over every little thing and second guess myself all the time but it’s all internalised no-one sees it and no-one has picked up in it. I find myself struggling more and more to keep it together when my daughter is challenging and find myself snapping at her and then crying afterwards. Sometimes I come to work after she has been kicking off about having to get ready for school and it takes all my energy to hold it together but nobody seems to notice. Ever.
The days feel so long and I feel so tired all the time. I know I take things too seriously but I seem to have lost the good sense of humour I had. I take jokes to heart instead of laughing them off even though I know I’m not meant to. I used to have a lovely friendship with dh but nowadays we always seem to be bickering about money or dd and we rarely get any quality time.
Sorry I have rambled but I just don’t know what you do if you’re functioning but you’re not ‘right’.