Long post. My son is suicidal and self-harming and disclosed this about 3 months ago. When he disclosed talked for 6 hours straight and told me the reasons that led up to the suicidal feelings and that he’s very depressed and feels dead inside and has felt like this for years – very long detailed story behind it which explained a lot. Since adolescence he was always been closed, secretive and distant, so it was a very positive thing that he had finally opened up to me. He has a good heart and I love him so much. He is the embodiment of “boys don’t cry” mentality peer pressure.
He was diagnosed with ADHD attention deficit 3 years ago which also explained a lot and he’s very immature for his age. As a young adult has always struggled with his studies at college and uni, friendships, holding down jobs, organising himself, paperwork, confidence, self-esteem and I’ve done all I can to help him. The ADHD diagnosis was a welcome and I’m sure it's led in some ways to his anxiety and depression, but the reasons for suicidal feelings seem to stem from him becoming more and more switched off generally as he got older and he stopped feeling things – (TRIGGER WARNING) cutting gave him a high because he said that the pain he felt was the only feeling he had experienced in years – very hard to hear that and his cuts were very deep and have left very wide scars which are so distressing to see.
He was Ok with me making lots of referrals so we've moved into doing lots of practical things. He’s seeing a counsellor now, he is under GP care, he’s had 2 mental health assessments at the A&E MH units and is on antidepressants and sleeping pills. On the waiting list for IAPT and CBT. He’s been put on a group for weekly walks and has a lot of MIND referrals for various activities that are wait listed. He does occasional freelance work and has been volunteering for 1 day a week in a charity. He got in touch with some friends that he's not been in touch with recently. It sounds like a lot but most days he's indoors all day.
But his mood changed a couple of weeks after disclosing and he closed up again and is now more distant than ever and very dizzy, forgetful, unfocussed and has had reactions to meds which have been changed a few times. He started getting intrusive thoughts and nervous tics and very little sleep even with the sleeping pills. Disclosing also seems to have caused him to collapse into the depression – he doesn’t have to put a face on for me or anyone involved in his care and he is indulging himself a bit – even he agreed with this description. I work full time and things have started to crash when I’m at work because he can't follow a routine. I keep writing out routines for him on paper or in texts but he doesn't read them. When I get home in the evening, I find that he didn’t eat ANYTHING all day long – just stayed in his room with curtains drawn, or he didn't go to his counselling appt, or missed other appts with various people who are helping support him, or he has forgotten to go to his weekly volunteering job and never rang in. Then I’m trying to save the day (he can’t/won’t) and make sure he doesn’t get struck off whatever it is - this has been really stressful because historically other parties have given up on him.
If I try to ring him when I’m at work to remind him about waking up, appointments or eating, his phone is often off all day because he’s forgotten to charge it or look at it. Even if it’s charged he doesn’t answer because he’s turned the ringer off. I don't know how to improve this. He doesn’t check for important texts or emails.
It's almost impossible to get him to go outdoors regularly for walks or to follow any routine – I but he's usually in no shape, too tired due to lack of sleep. He is reluctant to come out of his room to watch TV with me and always wants really serious or unhappy documentaries, it seems to make him feel more normal knowing that there is lots of suffering in the world. He is reluctant to watch anything that’s happy. I haven’t heard him laugh for years, I don’t know what his laughter sounds like.
The main problem is that it’s not his goal to get better – it’s my goal because I’m his mum. His goal is to die. He dreams about it, when he goes on the tube he wants to throw himself under the train, he’s visited a multi storey car park roof numerous times to plan his death. A&E MH have been told about his suicidal plans but they’ve just discharged him to the GP because he’s polite and compliant and alert when he’s in front of them - this is the opposite to how he is at home, sleepy, talking with his eyes shut, dull and monosyllabic and keen to go back to the comfort of his room and out of the living room. Life at home is not changing I’m 58 and I’m a single parent, I’m very tired, I feel like I spend 60% of my life being me and 40% being him on his behalf – thinking, planning, reminding. I have bumped up my self care recently and go out with friends a couple of times a week and unload on Whatsapp a lot. We are living on my single salary but doctor has given sick note for him to apply for universal credit.
I'm not sure if what I'm doing ventures into being a carer and if I should explore this route?
He is OK with me posting this and it could galvanise him and me to do things differently. I think that 2 key things are going wrong especially - there is no routine and he doesn't engage with his mobile so I can't prompt him when I'm out. If anyone has any tips about how to improve this please let me know or DM me if anything resonates and you want to chat. Happy to hear even if weeks have passed.