Anxiety and coping mechanisms at work

[Anxietystakingover]

I’ve suffered with anxiety for my whole life really, I grew up shy and I was very quite. Mainly due to having strict parents. I always had confidence though in my teenage years, then I had to move out of my mums, then I met a man who drained me of any confidence and that was the start of my mental health journey.

When my friends were going to bars and clubs when we all turned 18, 21, I was sat at home looking after his children. He would tell me not to go to certain places as I might bump into someone who didn’t like me. I suffered quite badly at school and he played on that, telling me I might see someone from my past to stop me from going out to certain towns. He had made enemies prior to us meeting and wanted to avoid bumping into these people, so he was very particular about where he went. I genuinely think that he had his own anxiety and I learned from him. I was 16 when we moved in together and he was 7 years older. Just looking back now… the red flags are right in my face. I was stupid, naive and also had no where else to live, I genuinely thought he was protecting me.

He managed to isolate me from my friends and wouldn’t let me meet them. He isolated me even further from my family, although to be fair he did see that my parents were toxic. Long story short, I escaped after 7 years of living like this. I realised quite soon after meeting him that I had made a mistake but I had no family support and I was terrified of leaving and being alone. I have a totally different life now (luckily we didn’t have any children). It’s been another 8 years since I left, and although I’m much much better, I have a full time job and I’m married now, I still suffer with anxiety. I’ve had counselling and enhanced CBT therapy, antidepressants and anxiety medication over the years. Im current taking nothing as I stopped them 1.5 years ago due to the side effects.

I’m trying my hardest, I’m struggling to handle stress at work, I struggle to speak up for myself because then I get anxiety and am scared to go back into work. I’ve got no family really (NC with mum, dad doesn’t exist and I’m trying to hang on to other family members but we live far away). I’m an introvert but I’m very good at acting. I feel uncomfortable in group scenarios and when meeting new people, but I’ve pushed through these feelings. Im so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. My job is ruining my life but I can’t leave at the moment as we are trying to get a mortgage. I’m being treated really badly, I get no support, I’m being made to do jobs that aren’t in my job description and speaking up isn’t an option really.

I work in the NHS and I’ve tried to put in a greivance before for bullying & harrasment and after over 1 year the other person won, due to lack of evidence. I submitted pages and pages of emails as evidence and it pretty much ruined my life for a few years. I’ve learned how corrupt the system is and my managers are so busy they don’t even have the time if day to speak to me. I’ve got so much stress at work and no one to go to, every time I phone my manager in the office she doesn’t pick up, every time I knock on the door she ignores it or tells me she is busy, and she runs past us all and seems so busy all the time, I know other staff are suffering too. The managers hide in the office and we barely see them.

I am really struggling right now, I sent an email saying that and asking for some time to talk through things as I’m not coping at work, as usual that email has been ignored and that was 2 weeks sgo. Her boss is even worse, shes very intimidating so theres no way I could go to her with my concerns. I need to leave, but I can’t right now. I 100% believe that they are taking advantage of my kind nature, I rarely say no to anything and I’m not rude or pushy. This means that I’m left to the bottom of the pile. I need to be more assertive but in a professional way. Confrontation gives me the worst anxiety and in the NHS there is a lot. Bullying is terrible in my hospital, no one stays here very long.

Please can you guys give me some tips on how to be more resilient and how to ignore things and not let them get to me so much?? My chest physically hurts and that’s just from typing this out. I’m so anxious and angry at the whole situation. I can’t speak confidentially at work as every time I’ve tried my emails have been shared with my manager.

Thank you 🙏

You've done so well op and sounds like you've come far but honestly I think even the most resilient of people would struggling in the situation you describe.

What's your role? If I were you I would get another job and leave asap. IMO bullying and toxic workplaces don't change and if you're in a position where you are valued and feel comfortable your anxiety will be so much better.

I've had anxiety for many years too, generally I manage well but on the times I've had flare ups and struggled all bar one of my employers has been massively supported. My manager in the unsupportive role was also a bully and took an instant dislike to me so my anxiety became unmanageable so I left and didn't look back.

I'm sure you have loads of transferable skills and you are worth more

Thank you very much. When I do leave I’m worried that my sickness record will stop me from being hired. I can feel a nervous breakdown coming on and I have no sick leave left. I’ve had periods of time off over the last year for three operations plus recovery time (gynae) and a couple of other times. I have apparently reached a high number on the Bradford score and the other methods too. So I can’t take any time off, but I’m concerned about how other employers will look at me.

In practical terms I think you could find a way to check out of your job emotionally?

I would forget sharing your troubles with managers and colleagues, maybe they don’t have the capacity to look your way and help, maybe they just need you to hold it together and dare not ask in case you can’t do that thereby creating them more work/a gap to fill.

HR systems and processes are not really there to help you they are there to ensure you can do the job (controversial sorry).

Try to step back emotionally the purpose of your job is your mortgage application and your future. Your pension contributions too.

You are strong and capable, you have demonstrated this.

Use flexitime if available to reduce
time around people who are difficult to be around (stressed people, those scrambling over people off their race to the top, who ever you find difficult).

Ditto annual leave - take your weeks opposite to the most difficult person thereby reducing contact by 12 weeks a year ish.

Don’t pick up other peoples tasks unless yours are absolutely completely covered and the extra is well within your capability.

Take your lunch break away from your desk and get some fresh air. Or maybe pick up a few
online training certificates from the intranet ready for your next job application.

You don’t say what you do in the NHS but if you can show your attendance problems are a thing of the past then you will be able to say that, if ever questioned.

@DotDotaDash do you know, that’s actually some really good advice, thank you. I will definitely take on those points, I’m sure checking out will help me mentally. It’s obvious that my managers either don’t care or don’t have the time to help their staff. There’s really no point in me complaining anymore, especially if I’m planning on leaving. I need to show up, do my job and go home. I just wish I could find a way to stop the worry.