TW// Going to tell my doctor I'm su!c!dal

[Penny7]

I've got an appointment booked for this week. I've decided to tell my doctor I've been having increasingly dark thoughts (this isn't new information- I've been diagnosed with bpd and depression plus an eating disorder thrown in for good measure too!- so I'm used to having thoughts) but now the thoughts are turning into methods and plans. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I want to cry all the time.

I guess what I'm posting for is because this is new territory for me I don't know what my doctor will do with this information now it's progressed from thoughts to planning. Does anyone have any experience in this field or know what will happen?

Many thanks

Sorry you are feeling this way xx.

I really hope gp can help you and get you out of the darkness. Xx

Just wanted to say well done for taking that decision, go asap and get the help you need. I guarantee they hear this from other people regularly

OP, well done for booking the appointment. When you get there, it’s important to be absolutely honest with your GP and say that you not only have suicidal ideation, but have actual plans, so they understand that you need urgent help.
Have you recently started or changed antidepressant medication? Because that can temporarily cause suicidal thoughts, as it lifts your motivation before it improves your mood, meaning you have the energy to start planning an attempt, a few weeks before your depression lifts to the point you no longer want to die.
Please reach out for support to keep you going until the appointment is due. The Samaritans are always available on the phone or in person, if you don’t have a trusted friend or relative you can confide in.
Your GP will take a careful history from you, and decide whether you need an urgent psych referral, an increase in meds, or support from a CPN.
Depending on where you live, you may have open access to a self referral psych unit - our local one at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital is very good, and patients are seen and triaged by trained psych nurses without needing a GP letter. They also have overnight crisis beds available. Facilities vary in different areas, but yours may have something similar.
Don’t despair, OP. You have taken the first, sensible step to seek help, you just need supported until you get there. I am sure that when you are well, you don’t wish to die - it is just your depression clouding your thoughts. Remember that this is not you, this is your illness talking. Don’t let it win - you have a happy future awaiting you once your illness is treated and under control.
My best wishes that you receive the help you need and deserve.

How did you get on OP?

Does your town have a crisis team? You should be able to self refer to them. Chances are that this is what your GP would do anyway

Being referred to mental health services. Doctor didn't seem worried that I hadn't eaten in a week but was concerned about my thoughts, obviously. When I said I didn't want to up my medication she made the referral.

Thank you for checking in

That's good news about the referral, hopefully more specialist support will help. Hang in there @Penny7, help is coming for you, be kind to yourself x

@Penny7 How are you today? Please eat or drink something to sustain yourself. I had an eating disorder too years ago this is hard but please consume something to keep yourself going. You matter.

Very suicidal today. I don't know how much longer I can wait until I get contacted. Back at work next week so hopefully that'll be a healthy distraction

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time. You say that you haven't eaten - you may be missing some vital nutrients. Could you manage something simple like a boiled egg, cheese on toast, beans on toast, a milk shake, porridge?
Do you have real life friends you can talk to?

You should have a local crisis team OP - please call them and they can come and support you daily x

I've had a binge day today and feel like a disgusting failure for it 😔 my friends are busy with their families today (and every day tbh!) and I would hate myself to interrupt them. Feel bad enough for burdening you guys, if that makes sense?! Today's just going to be about distraction and sleep and my non religious butt is praying I'll feel better tomorrow

Take yourself to a&e, ideally a larger one - they have specialist teams and can access the crisis team too coming to you daily

Please know that you're not alone.

I have been in this exact position, my diagnosis is GAD and recurrent depressive episodes. Been under MH services for 2.5 years and I know it's not easy, but you are NOT alone in this.

You've done an incredible thing by recognising your mood was so low and that you've taken the step to go to the GP, be very, very proud of yourself.

I am always open for a chat, sometimes it's nice to just 'vent' to an outsider. Big hugs x