I'm a terrible parent and I can't do it anymore.

[Inkdrinker]

Just a heads up, this is going to be a long post, so no worries if you don't want to read.

I'm a mum to three kids, aged 10, 6 and 4. I love them to pieces but I'm not a good mum. I've currently got covid and have spent the last week in bed because I just have zero energy.

I hate everything about parenting, the constant guilt, the monotonous chores, bath times are actual hell, me and my partner never get any time together, I've gained a ton of weight that I cannot shift.

I'm on fluoxetine and pregablin for depression and generalised anxiety disorder but I've been on a 100 different type of meds and i don't notice a difference.

I hate the fact that I can't give my kids a good life, I can't get them into swimming lessons or any after school clubs because I have no money. Every day is exhausting. My six year old constantly whinges at me and puts on a horrible smug voice which drives me insane. I have let them walk all over me because I don't have the energy to argue with them.

It hurts so bad to see that I am failing as a parent, that maybe my depression and myself has ruined everything. I want to love life again but I don't see how. I have zero identity, one friend, crippling exhaustion. I just miss being fun. I'm 26 years old and feel like I've aged a few decades.

You had your 1st DC when you were 16... That is so young, and at 26 you are incredibly young to have 3 children.

I don't know your personal circumstances (family, benefits available etc) so I can't offer suggestions there. Maybe your GP could help you with organisations to support you?

But please, please don't feel bad about "failing as a parent".

I urge you to reach out for support (not just the medicated kind although I think you should take your GP's advice on that too).

Take care OP, and let us know how you get on x

You're not failing as a parent. Don't tell yourself that. I think that about myself every day too. Every time my DD goes to bed I think to myself "I should have done more" & I hate how many times I've shouted at her because she's been naughty/not listening. We're going through a phase at the minute and bath / bed time is hard work... she cries the minute I tell her it's time to get in the bath right up until I put her down and then she still cries and I have to go into her room 100x before she actually goes to sleep. I think tonight is the first night in a while she hasn't cried when I've put her to bed but she cried through the whole of bath time. It's bloody exhausting and there's nothing fun about it. Ethel is right, you had your first so young and 26 is very young to have 3 children so don't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm sure you're doing amazing and that your kids love you. Every time I go through a hard time with DD it helps to remember it is a phase and it will pass. One day your little ones will be teens/adults and life will be so much calmer and easier. I know you said you have one friend and finances are tight but do you have family that will help?

Sending love & I promise it will get better but please don't feel like your failing because everyone is just winging parenting most of the time

My Grandma was widowed young and her kids had to stay with relatives far away for long periods. They understood that she was in a tough situation and was doing her best. You are trying your hardest with so many things to juggle. As @EthelMcUnready says - ask for help/resources. Tell GP your worries and see if there is any counselling or parenting advice that might help.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I was 15 when I had my eldest, I've managed to study and pass my exams despite that. I worked so hard, I didn't stop, I went to uni and did law but had to drop out on my final year as it was all too much.

I'm currently waiting to start a new job, so I'm hoping that helps a little. I have a partner who is amazing, a far better parent than me and is always trying to help me.

I've begged for therapy and it's just waiting list after waiting list, it's ridiculous. I have a mental health appointment coming up and I'm really going to make my point clear that I need this therapy and they cant just keep putting it off.

I'm constantly thinking of things I could be doing better, I want the best for my children and I'm worried that I cant give them that. That maybe I should leave and they would be better off.

I'm sorry for ranting on, I'm just so fed up of feeling so rubbish.

I get much more support than my grandma did, but still don’t feel like I’m doing well with my kids. Don’t get half the stuff that I want to done and house is constantly a mess.

You show up everyday OP, don’t underestimate the importance of that. You’re doing a good job.

Wow! You carried on with exams after a baby, that is amazing. You should be so proud of that. Maybe you can get to finish what you started when the DC's are a bit older. That is the beauty of having them young... you will still be young yourself when they are independent.

I agree the new job sounds like a positive thing ~ new people, change of scenery. All this should help with your mental health. And even in the event that you don't feel it is the right thing for you, you will have at least tried something new.

I've heard therapy is very difficult to come by on the NHS... but maybe if your GP could suggest some groups you could go to? or your local council or even social media may give you ideas of some groups you could join (with or without DC's) where you could meet and hopefully chat to other people? that is a form of therapy... and you always have us here on MN x

It's obvious that you want the best for your children. No-one does everything right all the time! Please try and work on yourself as a happy parent is one of the best things we can give a child.

I would just like to say a massive thank you to everyone who commented and was so kind to me.

I'm feeling a lot better now, I think when I get so low I can only ever see the negatives and it makes me feel even worse about myself.

I just want my children to stay happy and healthy xx

“I love them to pieces”
There you go! Your kids know you love them…so valuable

The fact you are worried that you are failing as a mum just shows how much you love your children. Just because you don't have money to take them swimming etc does not mean you are a bad mum! It's that bloody awful mum guilt taking over. My mum had no money and we never did swimming, extra curricular activities, holidays etc, she was so stressed (and now as an adult I can see that she was also definitely depressed), however the fact she was there for us, fed us, housed us, clothed us, cuddled and kissed us and told her she loved us, was enough.

As an adult I don't look back at all the things we didn't do, I look back at how despite the hardships (and there were plenty) we had a mum who loved and cared for us.

Keep going OP. Maybe take some time out for yourself now and again to recharge those batteries. Or if you have any support from family, ask someone to look after the kids so you can have some R&R with hubby. The better you feel about yourself, the better for everyone.

Absolutely keep going with trying to get some counselling.

Sending love x