anyone to talk/advise

[sortingmyselfout]

hi, sorry long story but i need some help and just to write it down.

So i have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression.

It all started when i was around 5 i got bullied very badly in school e.g made to feel useless, called names, i had bruises around my stomach from where they would poke me with pencils etc this went on all the way through school until i was 16, i was made to believe by the teachers and headmaster that it was my fault, i was always the one sent to the headmasters office EVERY day. the worst that happened to me though was a boy in year 6 so we was about 10/11 held a scissors to my throat again i wasn't believed this was also on the day of a close uncles funeral, so many emotions going on.

Also while all this was going on my (female) cousin who is about 5 years older than me started abusing me this started when i was 7 until about age 12/13. The things she done makes me unsure if its left me to be able to have children.

Again at the same time from around 11 onwards i started losing ALL my family members every year one or two of them would die, and we were a big family but all close living within 3 miles of each other and spoke to them everyday, yes all of them. The worst one though for me was when my mother died when i was 18, my father then took a few overdoses so while trying to deal with the funeral of my mother i was also told that i needed to decide myself if my father should be sectioned or not (i didn't even know what what it meant at that age).

Following the overdoses my father ended up in renal failure so i took on the responsibility of caring for him and my elderly grandfather while working 6 days a week (work was a break for me tbh), i was doing his dialysis every night as he was on home dialysis, even when he ended up in hospitals i would have to go and set up the machine as the nurses and doctors didn't have training on it , i either went and set it up or the wouldn't admit him. My father died a few years ago and i was left with just my grandfather to care for and then a year after my father died my grandfather died. So now I'm mid 30s left with no family.

I have a partner who is the best i could ask for he helped so much with my father and grandfather things like taking them to the toilet and helping with washing etc, but he has also lost all his family too so we are alone.

Anyway back to why I'm here i just feel so lost all my life i have cared for others e.g when i was 12 my gran was living with us and one day i got home from school and my parents were out at work, i walked in and she wasn't in her usual spot so i called out and no reply, i found her in the bath she had, had a stroke so i got her out and called an ambulance etc, my auntie was also ill all her life and spent 80% of her life in hospital so helped care for her, now nothing there feels like a massive void with nothing to fill it.

My depression and anxiety keep me locked up as in i don't leave the house, last time i went anywhere was about 3 months ago when i had an abscess on my jaw and needed to see a dentist, i had left it so long to go it was the size of a golf ball.

I don't eat much about 1 meal a day that is sometimes just a pot noodle or a tin of soup really easy meals but not good for me as i am also T1 diabetic. I have had CBT (like putting a plaster on a broken leg for me tbh) i have just finished counselling with one MH team and waiting for my first appointment with another. Been on every almost every AD and tried all different dosages etc.

I am really struggling with everything it may even take me 2-3hrs before i can work up the motivation to make a cup of coffee, how do people find motivation and keep it? I find some days i have a lot and want to sort myself out then after a couple of days it goes.

Any advice or a chat would be nice ty for reading

[Herecomesthesunshine]

Hi @sortingmyselfout

Im sorry I dont have any advice for you but can have a chat.

Your life has been incredibly difficult and I am very sorry to hear that. Im glad you have your partner now. What do you like to do together? Do you have a garden?

I have anxiety and came to the MH board to seek advice too (just about to start a thread,). I hide my depression and anxiety and try to do things as normal. My kids and job make me get up and leave the house every day because they leave me no choice.

DS is making his communion today and I have woken up after a bad dream about it. I now feel like vomiting with nerves and just want to cry.

[sortingmyselfout]

hey ty for your reply, mostly we just play online games tbh mostly for the social aspect as i actively avoid people irl. yes we have a big garden but both next door neighbours are outside all day and night which fuels my anxiety so don't use the garden at all. I really wish i could go back to work as i have worked from when i was 16 never went off sick and was always made to take holidays haha. But the way I'm feeling at the moment is what's the point of anything really.

Aw good luck on the communion I'm sure it will be a really nice day and a big milestone for both you and your son. @Herecomesthesunshine

[Herecomesthesunshine]

What type of games do you play online? Its great you both have a common hobby to enjoy at home.

When did you last work? Could you try looking at jobs on one of your days when you are feeling motivated? It might give you the start you need to encourage you in the right direction. Or a WFH job?

Thanks, hopefully today will all go well. I tend to avoid people too so not being able to today is a bit 😱

[sortingmyselfout]

I tried volunteering years ago in a charity shop and i couldn't do it for long i had to give it up, i gave up work about 7-8 years ago as my father needed 24/7 care in the end and because of his age they were reluctant to put him in a nursing home but in the last 5 years I've only left the house for the occasional trip to asda and for hospital drs appointments, i can barely function i go out to the kitchen and forget what i went for, my brain is so foggy and hazy, i hate it i was a supervisor at the age of 18 in a supermarket and always got to manager level now i cant even cook a meal properly. So frustrating.

At the moment I'm sat here doing jigsaw puzzles, i just feel like i need to do something with my hands constantly.

I'm sure it will go well how is your son feeling about it? excited? nervous?