Overcompensating for PND

[thelittlestbird]

Hello, this is my first time posting. I am not really looking for advice or anything, just a hand hold and a supportive ear. My daughter is 5.5 months and I have struggled so much since she has been born. I did not feel a bond with her until the 3-4 month mark and I cannot rid myself of the shame and sadness surrounding how I treated her when she was newborn. I am convinced that I abused and neglected her by not having that bond with her. And I am convinced that she would be better off with someone else looking after her. She smiles at me adoringly but I am convinced that this is only because she doesn't know anyone else, and if she knew / understood who I really was she would not love me.

Now she is getting a bit older and more aware, this feeling is turning into fear that she is starting to work out I am awful, and connecting me with the memory of the woman who resented her when she a newborn. Every time she cries and screams I feel it is a sign she is remembering, and learning to hate me for how I hated her.

I know the previous paragraph is irrational and that's not how babies' brains work. I can't get past the feeling, though.

I am crying typing this. I love her so much and would give anything to have those early weeks back to put right my wrongs.

The subject for my post doesn't really make sense with its contents. I'm not really thinking straight.

Hi thelittlestbird

I had PNA/PND with my first. I struggled at the beginning, thought I'd made a big mistake having a baby. He is 19 now and we have a really close bond.
My second although I didnt have PND I didn't have that love at first sight thing some people say they have. I just felt overwhelmed. She is now 16 and I have a great bond with her also.
Do you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder?
I do and that definitely played a huge part with my first.
Hindsight is great isnt it. I also thought of the first weeks that were ruined by the anxiety. I think there is an unrealistic expectation that having a baby is all hearts and rainbows. When you think about it all the fluctuating hormones,sleep deprivation, looking after a new baby and just life in general it's no wonder sometimes it's a struggle.
Sending hugs. Xx

In the kindest possible way, it sounds to me like your PND has not resolved, even if you do now feel bonded to your baby. I think you should go back to your HV and GP and seek further treatment.

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you went through similar but so glad you have good relationships with your children now.

I have a diagnosis of depression. I feel extraordinarily and profoundly hopeless much of the time.

Thank you, I completely agree. I am under the care of the perinatal mental health team and receiving ongoing treatment.