Does this count as trauma?

[disconnecteddrifter]

I'll write down what's happened to me jn the last ten years and want to know if this is normal life stuff or traumatic. I think it isn't as bad as say being abused or neglected but my therapist is wanting me to think of it as trauma. I am not sure it is helpful but she is insistent I accept it.

1. Adopted. I'm black and my parents were white
2. Mum died the day I gave birth
3. I divorced the same year due to some physical abuse from my ex and lots of mental torture
4. A lot of my friends who I spent the most time with ditched he'd me in favour of my ex. One is now married to him.
5. I have had 6 miscarriages and one still birth.
6. My sister died of cancer a year after my mum.
7. My new partners family are not interested in me and are still close to his ex.
8. My job is reasonably stressful

My childhood was amazing apart from racism and being adopted - primal wound. I had a very stable upbringing although we were poor there was lots of love and laughter. But now I am so flat and feel there is little point in life despite the things I do have going for me. I think I shouldn't dwell on things to get better and there is nothing really to say about what's happened. I cant see what she wants me to say and can't stand it if I feel she's feeling sorry for me. What do I do?

whether or not you call it trauma, you have had a huge amount to deal with emotionally in a short space of time.

grief is a complex and difficult process, it can take a long time to work through, so losing your mum and sister, and a still birth and miscarriages would be enough to be a concern in terms of needing suport and help to cope.

Add on to that those findamentals of adoption, and then the abusive partner and I would say that you have had more than your fair share of hardship.

I don't think it is so much that your therapist is feeling sorry for you, but rather that she is trying to help you understand the enormity of all you have been through. And while it is true up to a point that we can't chaneg t and have to move on, it is also true that many people get stuck in the emotional aftermath of grief, and need help to move on. Talking is often a way to help process that grief.

Therapists often find that their clients are in denial about their own feelings. Do you think this might be want they think is happening? I'm interested in why you are in therapy if you don't think there is any trauma to process?

As an aside, one of the most helpful things I was told in therapy is that and event is traumatic if it in some way challenges a world view or value you hold. For example, I have been in a really bad car accident. Very very bad. Hospital, no work for 5 months etc. I wouldn't class this as traumatic. I don't have any negative feelings or memories attached to it. People are often keen to show shock or sympathy when they find out and get confused when I show no distress. Sure, it wasn't fun but it did not challenge a view. For others it may have. Such as that they are great drivers or that road rules always keep us safe or that hospitals never mess up. If they held thoes views, that same event would have been traumatic to them.

“Trauma” is therapist shorthand for “traumatic life events”.
Your list are all traumatic life events, although your job may encompass several within it. Traumatic life events sort of accumulate in your psyche and everyone has a different breaking point. It’s good you’re seeking help. Therapists ask about the past so they can link your core beliefs back to trauma, and then be able to help you move forward. For example, you may find it hard to trust your current partner due to your ex having abused you. They don’t expect you to say anything more than what pops into your head when you talk about yourself and how you feel. It is important to be honest, which is hard because we all wear masks in public. If you don’t feel comfortable with you therapist, find one that you are comfortable with. Therapy is hard work on you, but can be very helpful.

I agree with @Somuddled but also think there's a lot in feeling isolated/alone in your experiences. Obviously no two people ever have the same experience but I think the more adverse experiences you have, the more 'unique' (and potentially isolating) your journey through life can become and this in itself can be a source of trauma. I.e. you're not "just" someone who lost a sister to cancer, you're someone who lost a sister to cancer after suffering 6 miscarriages and a stillbirth, and everything else you have listed. One of these events on its own would be difficult but the fact they keep occurring after you have (presumably) found the strength and resilience to try carry on with your life is really hard and slightly against the inner notion of karma/what is fair in life that a lot of people hold.

I'm not sure I'm explaining it well but I have also had a similar number of difficult experiences in life, deaths of key family at early age, multiple baby loss, non-traditional family upbringing. I am currently having helpful as each time I hit another hurdle in life it seems to re-open old wounds and I'm learning that a lot of that is because I perceive myself as having little in common socially with friends/colleagues so I resist opening up to gain support as I worry about being judged or simply fund people just can't understand. Add to that the fact my support network is possibly smaller because of some of these losses and I think trauma is a fair word to use.

I hope you're finding therapy helpful.

*having therapy not helpful. It is helpful though!

Thank you for your comments they really mean a lot. I am in therapy because I have depression which won't shift and I'm throwing everything at it. I find it hard to see any joy in life but am also finding it physically hard. I keep getting ill.
Maybe I am in denial and what someone said about being isolated. Well that is it. I'm soooo isolated. I don't want to talk to friends as they have their own stuff going on and I don't want to put them off me.
I dread going to therapy, always think of a reason to not go and deag myself there to feel in some sort of game? Like I have all these emotional crises but only when I'm having them and I'm a completely different person the time thr therapy comes. I feel like I'm wasting time and money and it's awkward.
I feel like my friends don't really care about me but in some level I know that's not true.