What’s wrong with me please help

[DreamCatcher08]

I’ve been writing and deleting threads for the last week my head is so cluttered I can’t even write it down so apologies if I ramble I just need to write it down

so quick background I’ve struggled with my mental health depression & anxiety for a good 10 years I’ve never been doctors this is one of my problems I don’t like asking for help but I’ve always trundled along. I’m a sahm for 15 years I have a SN child I don’t have any friends but I’m ok with that my OH is the same. I hardly leave the house but I’m ok when I need too a little nervous but I’m ok I just have no need to go out. I have low self esteem & no confidence I “think” I’m socially awkward I struggle to get involved but I’m fine when people talk to me directly…. i just like being by myself

so couple of weeks ago it hit me that my SN child it’s slowly becoming more and more independent awesome right!, I’v not worked in all that time and I only worked for a year before I had him at 17 I’ve been his career and my partner is on a good wage but obviously when/if we lose his dla/pip I will have to go to work but I’m terrified I feel like being a sahm has given ME a mental disorder I feel useless I feel dumb I started getting paranoid and taking online asd and adhd tests (all borderline) then started to think my OH will leave me or he will die in a flaming fireball on the m5 then started to worry about my kids future will they get jobs? have a family? Be happy? What if they don’t what will I do? I’m on the verge of crying all the time I’m hardly eating (I’m ok with this one 😅) everything is dooms day I can’t keep feeling like this I want to feel normal I want to go to work I want to learn to drive and the kicker is I KNOW I can do it and I KNOW I will feel better but I can’t get over this huge block in my life that’s holding me back. I don’t even know what it is severe anxiety? Any ideas? would medication help?

Suggest the doctors be your first step. No shame in asking for help, infact acknowledging that you are struggling takes courage. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t not seek help would you

Catastrophising (?) is a typical anxiety symptom, see also intrusive thoughts. Book yourself some CBT or request a low dose antidepressant (citalopram got me through some seriously low points and I will be eternally grateful to it). Once you break these thought cycles you can start to find things for you to enjoy and thrive. It's not quick or easy but hugely preferable to spending a lifetime in fear

You are catastrophising - as courtrai suggests. It's not surprising as you have spent many years keeping yourself and your family safe so the thought of moving out of your comfort zone is scary. But your fears are just thoughts, nothing more. They're not attached to reality and fearing something doesn't mean it's going to happen. You need some help to learn how to let these fears though as it's hard to do on your own.

You had your DS when you were very young so you've had little experience of being on your own or putting your needs first. Nonetheless you've done fantastically well, bringing up your DCs so they increasingly become independent. Of course it's scary to imagine their futures but I think that's partly because you're scared to imagine your own.

The good news is you KNOW you can learn to drive and go to work. You say you are socially awkward but you also know you are good at talking to people directly. These are huge advantages. I think with every small step your confidence will increase and in time you will surprise yourself with how well you can operate in the wider world. You may find you actually enjoy being with other people!

Speak to your GP and don't be afraid to ask for help. You have looked after your family - now is the time to advocate for yourself too. Find some counselling if you can so you have someone make sense of how you are feeling. Perhaps you could also sign up to do some voluntary work - it could be a small step towards gaining confidence and would focus on other people rather than yourself.

You may feel hopeless but to me you seem a very impressive person - strong, brave, loyal, kind and resilient.

Thank you for your reply’s I had another little cry this morning reading them but in a good way I feel better that it’s out there.

theres also a few other things that I’ve noticed I started shaking my head and having verbal tics, I manage to hide them from OH or I cover it really well around my kids so I can control it(?) like I will say one of my kids names and they would come in and go “what” and I would have to make something up so I don’t look nuts this is why I stated looking in to asd or adhd but I never showed any traits as a child I was completely opposite and traits I have now are very borderline and I think are more anxiety/depression symptoms then asd but I’m no doctor (which I know I need to see 😅)

i feel like 2 side of my brain are at war with each other. I was at the park with my dd dd’s friend and mum and we had a good chat for hour I came home and I was so proud of myself and felt “normal” literally hour later self doubt kicked in and in my head I was this stupid numb person that can’t keep a conversation how am I going to survive in a working life…even tho I know I can 🤦🏻‍♀️

I hate asking for help and I do think that comes down to being a teen mum I was looked down on so I wanted to prove to people I can do it all with no help.

OP you are 'normal' - normal covers a whole spectrum of personalities, feelings and behaviours. Normal also includes having unpleasant intrusive thoughts. These thoughts become a problem when you think they have significance. They are not a problem if you can let them go and with help you can learn to reduce their impact.
Please ask for help. You have been an advocate for your children - now advocate for yourself. You will feel better for getting your worries out into the world and discovering the sky doesn't fall in!
I attach a NHS link, so you understand how common intrusive thoughts are. The link relates to new mothers but intrusive thoughts are experienced by most people and tend to focus on whatever their current anxieties are.
I'm sorry you had a hard time as a teenage mum but you have cared for your children which is no mean feat for someone so young. You should be proud of yourself. You are also, as it turns out, good at being sociable, as you saw in your chat with the mum in the park. I expect you have a lot of empathy which is a wonderful trait.
Please do ask for help. It will make a difference.

www.bsmhft.nhs.uk/our-services/specialist-services/perinatal-mental-health-service/information-for-mothers/worrying-intrusive-thoughts/