How can I move past this when I can't handle counselling

[MeiMe]

Trigger warning [ sexual assault ]

Back story

I was raped by my now ex husband in May 2018 I was referred to the local Rape counselling service by the police but bailed after 2 sessions. I couldn't hack the questions about the incident.

(I was still married to him at the time). I was trying to sleep on the sofa when he started the attack. I don't remember much just dribs. and drabs. My DS1 asking him "what are you doing to mummy?" and him saying "nothing go and play over there". Me sheepishly asking him what he was doing twice before he got off me and cleaned himself up. I told him to leave and I sent him a text after telling him what he did wasn't ok and he replied with;

" I thought you wanted to mess around until I realised at the end you weren't just laying there but actually had been asleep lol how the fuck does that happen? weirdo lol"

I put it to the back of my mind and refused to deal with it. I finally went to the police the following month but after months of them doing nothing and him convincing my for multiple reasons I shouldn't press charges, coupled with my
boyfriend at the time saying he couldn't give the police a witness statement (he was the first one I told) etc I dropped the case and I wanted to go back to normal, forget about it all.

Believing everything he'd ever told me about how "nobody would ever want someone with 2 kids", "nobody would ever put up with you", "You should be lucky I stayed with you for so long", "You should be over it by now I said sorry" etc I ended up getting back together with him. It lasted a few months before he then started to threaten to kill me, kill my ex boyfriend, behead my cat etc, I couldn't go out unless he knew who with, where etc. He would then ask me "you're not only with me because you think i'm going to kill you are you?" I put up with it till February 2020 Always wondering if I'd tip him over the edge one day and never being able to forgiving him when I kicked him out and divorced him, I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time and listed his behaviour as the reasons.

I had been on and off antidepressants throughout this whole time, but stopped taking them when I was pregnant. He tried to get in contact last May which triggered some depression / anxiety / constant flash backs/reliving the event, nightmares etc I spoke to my GP who wanted to avoid medicine as I pregnant. It

has been 4 years this year but I've been watching the JD vs AH trial and now the flashbacks are hitting me again, taking me right back to the event, the position he was in, what was said, my heart races and it's like a pressure on my chest.

Im trying so hard not to think about it and when I do it seemingly comes from nowhere.

I've always maintained the fact I was asleep on the sofa, however, I've never told anyone I was awake. I was awake when he pulled my trousers off, I was awake and I laid there and I let it happen and I struggle with that. I was/am so ashamed of myself I spent most of my time doubting myself, wondering if I gave him the wrong impression, wanted it, got it wrong, made it up but it all balls down to, I let him do it so what is the issue.

I should be over it, I know I should be over it and mostly I feel like I can be. But sometimes I can't do this/feel like this especially every time May comes around it's nauseating. I've tried counselling but even talking about it makes me clam up I get the same reaction when I think about it. My heart races, there's pressure in my chest, my head tingles and I just feel panicky. I don't know how to overcome it

Thinking that you have to get over it will not help you. What happened to you is horrendous. Rather than thinking I have to get over it perhaps knowing that to make the best of your life you have to deal with what happened. It’ll always be a part of you but it’s how you choose to move on that is important. Counselling makes us open up the most difficult things that have happened but by opening up they become less frightening. Our own mind can be our worse enemy. 2 sessions were a start but as they sessions go on you will hopefully find ways of dealing with and coping with what happened

It sounds like you had a very normal reaction to a traumatic situation.

Have you looked into EMDR? You don’t have to talk about the event, and it’s brilliant for trauma.

It's not normal for them to question you about the incident. They shouldn't be pushing you.

I see a private counsellor rather than through rape crisis as I was just getting pushed from pillar to post and needed the support urgently.

I've been with him over 2 years now and have only just disclosed the details of what happened.

He obviously did know that there had been abuse of a sexual nature but not the details. Every now and then he would ask a question about it if it came up but it was always a question I could just answer and go no further if I didn't want to, like how old I was or the guys name, how I knew him etc

2 years it took me to be able to tell him about the actual event and he never ever pushed me. Just said he would listen when I was ready. Being questioned would have made me panic and clam up immediately. That isn't okay. It should go at your pace. If you want to talk about it right away that's fine. If you take years to be ready, that's fine too.

I suggest you look at finding another counsellor and explain that you found the last one far too pushy. Therapy isn't supposed to be like that, you need a solid relationship with them before you can feel safe enough to talk about being raped. They're supposed to support you not interrogate you.

I'm really quite pissed off for you, that you were treated with so little consideration and have left feeling like it's you who can't take counselling.

Logically I know that counselling helps I do but it's just the talking to someone aspect. I'm so guarded that sometimes I don't even want to talk to my own family 😬

It was just a bit much tbh 😕all the questions were focused around my ex husband and I felt so much pressure and that whatever answer I gave would be construed into that meant I was wasting their time. I just really didn't like it but I can't afford private counselling

Yeah I couldn't have done that either. Way too pushy, it would literally have been a 50 minute panic attack.

Mental health care in this country is appalling. Luckily my therapist does a sliding scale so is seeing me for half his usual rate due to my low income.

I'm not sure what else to suggest tbh it's crap that there is no better support in place.

Bless you OP.

I don’t agree that you should be over it. It sounds incredibly traumatic
Can I suggest you put a pin in the counselling for now. Not all counsellor are the right match for everyone and there are different forms of counselling, some will suit you better than others. I’d try again when you feel up to it but go in with the attitude that you are assessing if it works for you and if it isn’t then walking away is the right thing to do

In the meantime, there are other things you can do for your mental health. Diet, exercise, yoga, meditation. Gratitude diaries, journals. I’ve recently started cold water swimming which is supposed to be good for stress and anxiety and it really works for me. Meditation did nothing for me but it works well for others. See if you can make some changes to your lifestyle to support your mental health.

You are clearly really strong and you have dealt with this admirably. There is no perfect response and we all do the best we can with what we have. . I wish you well.

I second EMDR. If you can afford to go privately I would, you only need a few sessions and it is life-changing.

@MeiMe First.🌷 I've been there. It's dehumanising and you don't need to expect yourself to get over it in a hurry.

I've also had lots and lots of therapy, not all about my ex. For over ten years. I found that it is possible to focus on one aspect of your life and not talk about the rest. You can choose to focus on something the therapist seems interested in. I talked about my mum for five months with one therapist. My first was terribly interested in child sexual abuse - it was popular at the time and she kept trying to find some but I didn't have any - so we talked about my work. Over a period of years, with different therapists, I dealt with one thing at a time.

If you break it down into palatable bits, you might be able to cope. You're in charge. With your next therapist, perhaps agree to talk about you, not your ex.

Mindfulness is good - focus on the now. Sounds like a platitude but if you keep at it, it works. Decide on what counts as a 'happy' (or peaceful) moment for you - I chose 'Not in much physical pain, roof over my head', check yourself regularly to see if those conditions are met, and bank every single moment you notice that is right. What you realise is, there are a heck of a lot of moments when you've been perfectly fine. 😊

I'm so much better now, I'd encourage you to give it another go. Life can be different, it really can.

Oh OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. There are three responses to dangerous situations - flight or fight (which most people will know) or freeze and this is what most likely happened to you. It is not unusual for rape victims to freeze, this is a way of your brain and body trying to protect you from what is happening (in the animal word, this is the equivalent of "let's pretend I am dead and maybe the predator will get disinterested and leave me alone).