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Partners Depression

6 replies

Blossom12345 · 06/05/2022 16:55

Hi
I posted on here a few days ago and received some really good advice. My partner has depression (has done foe 25 years) and recently told me he feels numb/flat to everything - no feelings towards anything or anyone, including me. He did question whether he had fallen out of love before he then told me he had reduced his AD without telling anyone (including GP) and been feeling really numb to everything. He said he literally feels like he has no emotion and isn't enjoying hobbies or seeing friends etc.
He's now back on his full AD and has therapy booked in. All sounds great and I know it'll take time, I'm not being naive about that, but now I feel a bit, I don't know. I love him dearly and I'm not going to leave him (unless he has fallen out of love) but now I worry what if it is really that he's fallen out of love. He's said he has worked out that it is all down to his mental health given that he can't feel love or emotion to anything else too, but now I've got the panic of what if it isn't. I don't suffer with depression so I can't comment on what it must feel like, but he said for him initially it was really confusing as he didn't know what was real or what was his depression. Now he said it all makes sense it's his depression. But how does he know?! He is making plans for our future which I am so relieved about, and he tells me everything will be okay when I feel I need to be the strong one for us as I'm not suffering the depression. I feel incredibly selfish for thinking about how I'm feeling when I know he's really suffering - he said feeling numb is worse for him than feeling 'down', but I'm also terrified I'll lose my partner. Has anyone any experience of how he must be feeling, and come out the other side?
Thank you, and apologies for thinking about myself in all of this - I just feel I need a bit of a hand hold.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 06/05/2022 17:03

The 'numbness' is pretty common when taking anti-depressants, and while it can also be a symptom of the Depression itself, the only way you can really be certain of what is causing the feeling is once you are in a situation whereby you are no longer depressed, and no longer taking psychiatric meds.

Until that point it's pure guesswork.

I went through something similar about 10 years ago while I was still in a very long-term relationship. I was taking prescription anti-depressants, constantly felt 'numb', and was confused about whether my apathy towards my partner was down to depression, a side-effect of the medication, or whether my relationship had just run it's course. I came off the medication, still felt like this a couple of years later, and it was only once I ended the relationship and moved on that I realised my 'numbness' was just down to being in a dead relationship and not realising it.

Not everyone will be in the same circumstance I was in, but while you are still ill, still medicating, and still in a relationship, there is really no surefire way to determine why you feel the way you do, and the dilemma is an enormous source of further anguish.

Blossom12345 · 06/05/2022 17:11

@XDownwiththissortofthingX thank you for your honest response. The difficulty is we've been together 8 years and he has always been on AD. He's always been depressed but generally functioning and doing fine until a couple of months ago a few things happened (not about us) causing him to spiral. That is then when he said he started to feel numb and questioned his feelings towards me. Now he's adament that it's not us, and that it's his mental health playing tricks on him. I so desperately want to believe him but I'm unsure how he can be so sure - but he says he is unhappy with everything.

It's so hard to know what to do for the best. I was hoping if his feelings do come back then it'll just be the depression causing it. I guess time will tell, whilst he's on his AD and therapy.

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XDownwiththissortofthingX · 06/05/2022 17:24

Well if there were significant events happening a few months ago that caused his mental health to suffer, and that coincides with the onset of his 'numbness', I'd say it's a fair bet that's the cause and when his mood recovers he'll lose the feeling of numbness once more.

If he's been depressed for years and years, and also been medicating for years and years, then I'd think by now he probably has a fair insight into his own mental health. Being Depressed can sometimes rob you of your perspective and objectivity, which is exactly why you can never be certain about these things while you are ill, but I'd trust someone who is that experienced with the inside of their own head if they were to say to me 'this is my depression making me feel like this'. They're certainly more qualified to make that judgement than anyone else.

Blossom12345 · 06/05/2022 17:39

I completely agree and I want to believe him but now I worry he’s only telling me it’s his mental health so save my feelings, whilst he figures himself out. He’d never lie to
me but I know he was upset by my hurt response when he first told me. It’s so hard because I have read every forum and website on mental health but I still struggle to get my head around it. He’s just hoping the feelings come back and is blaming the mental health, although he has said his depression feels different this time. He said it feels different as he’s not felt numb before. It’s just so awful.

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XDownwiththissortofthingX · 06/05/2022 17:54

I think it's perfectly understandable for you to be hurt when he's first told you about it, and for him to be upset by your reaction, but the thing I'd say is encouraging about this is that he is aware of changes in his mood, is aware that the numbness isn't normal when he's ill, and is aware that his depression won't manifest itself in exactly the same way every single time he experiences it.

As someone who has been there myself, and experienced Depression off and on my entire adult life, this actually sounds to me like someone who does actually have a pretty good insight into his own illness and who is also capable of discerning what's normal for him, and what is not.

There are plenty of profoundly depressed people around who genuinely have no inkling they are ill, so they find it impossible to explain or verbalise their feelings and emotions because there is no context to them. Once these people are diagnosed, it frequently hits them like a ton of bricks and causes all sorts of emotional turmoil, but similarly, it can also be the route to beginning to understand your own head, and can help you start recognise the onset of a depressive episode and take appropriate steps.

I no longer suffer depressive episodes in the same way I used to, simply because I now recognise them at the onset, and I am armed with the knowledge I need to be able to battle it right at the start and overcome it before it takes hold of me. I simply couldn't do this when I was younger because I had absolutely no inkling I was ill to begin with, and just thought that I was extra-moody and temperamental compared to most people, and that my moods had a more profound effect on me than they way most other people experienced theirs. It was only after I was able to put a name to what I was experiencing that I was able to start contextualising it, and start taking some steps to address it.

Your partner honestly sounds to me like he's well down the road of understanding his own head, even though he's possibly still at a point in his life where he finds his depressive spells completely debilitating, but at least he's showing the signs of someone who is well aware of what is actually going on. I'm not stupid enough to think that I will never have to deal with the horror of the profound depressions I used to suffer ever again, but I'm confident that I'm far better armed to cope with it should it ever arise again. Your partner is at a different stage to me, but the things you are saying about him do remind me of a point in my own life where I was still gathering more and more insight into my own illness as I was living with it.

Blossom12345 · 08/05/2022 16:33

@XDownwiththissortofthingX sorry for my delayed response - I am glad to read you feel a bit more armed incase things turn sour for you in the future.
My partner tried to explain it a bit more to me last night and whilst i don't understand it as I've not had depression, it gave me more of an insight. He said that he doesn't feel in love with me but that he knows he does by his actions. But the worrying bit is he also said he doesn't feel love for his family either. Literally no one. He said he just feels emotionally numb/flat. He's wondering if its the depression or perhaps his AD. He can still function and act happy around others, but he said he just doesn't feel the emotion.

He even questioned if he knows how it feels to be in love - he said perhaps he does love but just don't recognise the feelings? It was a bit bizarre and I hope with therapy and medication he comes through the other side, as it must be so scary for him. When I asked why he told me he didn;t know if he was in love with me as opposed to just not feeling anything for anyone/anything, he said he wasn't really sure and hadn't considered everything else, he just felt numb and blamed the relationship. Is this normal? Can feelings come back? Putting our relationship to one side, I just desperately want him to be able to feel again because it must be so terrifying for him being so numb. Selfishly I have this awful feeling in my stomach and chest, a tightness, Ive had it every day since he told me, as I automatically think the worst and think we're doomed and he mustn't love me, as otherwise he wouldn't be feeling like this. I know this is incredibly selfish of me to think like this though and I wouldn't tell him that as I know it'll put him under even more pressure. It just feels like I'm living with a stranger who looks like my partner but isn't quite the same.

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