Partners depression - will it get better on its own

[Cat2831]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice from anyone with experience of depression/anxiety, either themselves or a partner. My partner has been very depressed since November but I think it started with anxiety when our second child was born a year ago. He used to worry about silly things and think that dc would get ill all the time to the point where I didn’t want to leave the house with him any more. He was like this a bit with our first but got better as dc got older and more robust and he never got down, just used to worry a lot. I think this time Covid and being in a bubble at home for a year hasn’t helped. He felt like things would happen every time we left the house and it was all bad luck. For example, dc would touch something ‘dirty’ like a table with a food stain on when we were out and then the next day he had conjunctivitis. He would blame himself for not being more careful. That kind of thing. He would lose sleep over these incidences. I won’t go into too much detail but in November something happened to trigger his anxiety and he thinks the children have picked up a disease etc. They won’t have done because the scenario is ridiculous but he’s convinced himself and he’s been depressed ever since. Every day he is down and is very vocal about it, follows me round the house ranting about all the bad luck and that he can’t play with the kids like he used to because he’s too guilty. He does this in front of the children and I’m worried about the impact on them. It’s ruining our life and I don’t think I can do this much longer. He won’t go the doctor because he doesn’t think he has normal depression because he thinks it is all just bad luck etc and medication/counseling won’t fix that. I want to leave but really don’t think I could cope on my own with our two young children. We are waiting for a diagnosis but we think our eldest dc 3.5y has autism and some days I just can’t handle the meltdowns. I don’t know what to do. The brief times that he tries to be happy we all have a lovely time and I know the man I fell for is still in there but he’s disappearing on me. Has anyone ever had anything like this. Is there any hope he will get better on his own eventually. Really don’t want to take the kids dad away from them because they love him and he’s an amazing father when he’s not down.

Unlikely to get liveable or better without help. The things you say are silly are huge for him.
I have depression and anxiety and e.g have to put the toilet roll on the holder a certain way.. yes it’s silly to others but to me if I didn’t do it and bad stuff happened it would be because I put the toilet roll on the wrong way.
I have to actively remind myself there’s no link between the toilet roll and an event that happened. But there’s times when the logical part of my brain is over run with these strong feelings.
rhos is just one example through teach and every day I have many many many moments and I’m trying to break some of these but it’s a long road. Medication helps, but I’m having to learn to take control

I’m diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder ( GAD) and my best advice is for him to go to the doctor’s and seek help. I tried to manage my anxiety for years, sometimes successfully, but it always returned.

Your DH’s anxiety sounds worse than mine, tbh. He needs help to manage it. Good luck.💐

Thank you for your replies. I think you’re all right. He thinks things are linked that can’t be and I understand what you mean by it only being silly to me. I meant it more to say that they’re not normal reactions to things that happen. I’m probably not helping the situation any more because I’ve ran out of patience. I think I was sympathetic for months and tries to reassure etc. but I can’t do it any more and I get angry that he’s inflicting this upon us and won’t get help. I’ve only just gone back to work after maternity leave and he was working from home so we were together EVERY DAY. I tried to give him an ultimatum and even had a rental house lined up but pulled out at the last minute because I couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t have anything left if we left because he’s cut off his friends and family and says he’d be too down to see the kids if I leave. Not sure I believe him. They’re his world. I think the problem is that because it’s health anxiety he says he could never take meds. I’ve never even known him to take a paracetamol. And he thinks a therapist won’t be able to tell him that the kids aren’t going to get ill. It’s so frustrating and he’s very stubborn.

I know we can’t do this forever though because the kids will start noticing. I ask him to to get angry in front of them but he says he can’t help it. I think I was kinda hoping someone would say they got better on their own.

This kind of disordered thinking won't get better on its own. He needs to get help.

And I'd ask him to move out while he does, as he will be damaging the children by being so irrational. He's also affecting your mh.

You can't help him; he has to want to help himself.

Hugs this won’t go away 0n it’s own sorry to tell you this, he needs help if not your life will spiral into hell and no I’m not being dramatic.

thank you. I think I know this really. I think it is affecting my mh. It’s hard to be happy when my previously lovely partner is so sad. I just don’t know if I can handle the children on my own. I find my eldest really hard to deal with but maybe that’s because I’m a bit down myself with everything. I feel awful doing it. He says he’d never leave me if the roles were reversed.

It's it incredibly rare that it ever gets better on its own?

I have had periods of high anxiety and connected thinking similar to your partner. I thought I was being rational at the time. The only person who I listened and who also really understood me and therefore could actually help me was my therapist. She has helped me to cut away the links I kept making and my anxiety has lowered massively. I hope he can get help. He does need it. It may be possible to address this stuff alone but he can't see the distortion so I don't think he can. It's not the same but I ended a friendship with someone similar as I couldn't cope with her constant anxiety loop and her complete belief that she was right. So I also understand if you decide you can't stay with him. You need him to be present for you the kids, that is a reasonable demand. Good luck

When I leave and tell him I’ve got to be miles away is father has agreed with this he’ll kick off big time.

Thank you. A few months ago when he was at his very worst I went to the doctors and begged for someone to come out to the house. They offered a phone appointment. I said he might not answer the phone call because he might be suspicious someone had talked to the doctor. They sent him a text saying it was for a general review but he knew straight away what it was about and was really angry and wouldn’t answer the phone. A few weeks later Me and his parents rang 111 and they put a gp on the phone who was very nice, chatted for about half an hour on the phone with my partner and said he would pass it on to our normal gp. My partner had denied anything was wrong the whole time. Our gp tried to ring him once more but he didn’t answer and thats been it ever since. So I’m a bit disappointed with the doctors really. I told them he was really bad and that he was suicidal but unless you go yourself I really don’t think they do anything.

It doesn’t get better on its own, and it will, and has from your posts, drag you and the kids down too.

I was ready to give my dh an ultimatum, get help or I would leave. Same disordered thinking, about a job though, and suicidal, and never stopped talking about it.

he got medication, therapy, regularly went to GP, I sometimes went with him to make sure he was telling the truth (I’m not proud of that but it was necessary), I also enlisted a close friend to get him out the house once a week so I had time to myself.

you may well find it easier to deal with the kids without him.

but essentially if he won’t get help, leave.

My DH is back to his old self now.

He wouldn’t have anything left if we left because he’s cut off his friends and family and says he’d be too down to see the kids if I leave.
He needs help, but you can't make him seek it. The bit about him saying he won't see the children if you break up sounds manipulative. This is a really shitty thing to do and puts the responsibility of him seeing the children on to you.

If you look after yourself first, you’ll be able to look after the kids better. If he won’t get help, and the medication really does help in most cases, then you’ll have to leave him to manage himself.

you can’t do it all.

Hey op, I'm a cbt therapist and it sounds like your husband either has generalised anxiety disorder or ocd or a mixture of the two, they're very similar so often go hand in hand. Both of these can then lead to episodes of depression. The depression could heal naturally but ocd and gad although can improve at times of low stress are not disorders we would see improving vastly without treatment. Your best bet is to speak to your gp, medication should help and also cbt, you can either wait for it on the nhs or could pay privately, good luck xx

Thank you every one for your advice. I will keep trying to get him to go to the doctor and see how we go. I appreciate everyones responses.

I ignored my husband's depression for ages until it suddenly blew up and he had a psychotic episode. I really wish I'd encouraged him to go to the GP before it built up in him. He has psychosis and GAD but is now on meds and receiving treatment for both. This must be a very worrying time for you but please try and get him to go to the GP.

I had a breakdown five years a go, part of my issues includes paranoid thoughts. I had a year of CBT. About 6 months of therapeutic counselling. I went on a mindfulness course. I do yoga and walk daily and attend a meditation weekly. I also did a year of hypnotherapy. I still get the thoughts I'm just better at managing them now but it doesn't really go away you just learn to accept it and work at it. Without professional help it will likely get worse not better.