Husband's Depression

[Lunapie]

I feel absolutely awful writing this, as I don't feel like I've ever really admitted it to myself before.

My husband has had depression since before we got together. I've always I feel like I have no energy left. We sat in silence tonight having dinner. The only thing he said was that he cannot imagine being happy again. Which isn't true, as he goes through these episodes and then does come out the other side. I feel awful because I cannot imagine the pain he goes through, but selfishly I am also in so much pain. When he's feeling strong I tell him about it and he is so apologetic, and he doesn't need to be because I know it's an illness. I don't want to leave him, but I just want every now and then for him to hold me for once, and tell me everything will be okay. I feel like I'm grieving for the future we never had. I love him so, so much. I just wish he could see the kind, caring man he is when this beast isn't inside him.

He's back with the counsellor this week so I'm hoping for a slow miracle. I don't really know what I wanted to achieve from posting on here, but perhaps to know whether anyone else has felt the same.

@Lunapie

I completely feel for you, is he taking any medication?

I had this issue with DP, sertraline saved him and our relationship.

{mention:nellie} thank you for your message. He’s on citalopram but I don’t feel like that works for him anymore. I think I’ll try encourage him to see the doctor.

how do you get through it, please? If anyone asked me I wouldn’t actually know how to answer, I feel like I’ve just been surviving all these years.

@Lunapie
Honestly the only thing that help was the sertraline. He didn't think there was anything causing him to feel depressed so a councillor wouldn't have helped. His response to any questions would be "it's just bad" or "it'll just be bad" with a deep sigh.
He used to drink himself to sleep on the sofa every night, easily a large bottle of gin, neat if there was no mixer, because he didn't want to go to sleep because then the next day happens.
That was almost two years ago now, we didn't have a future back then, progression wasn't an option but now we're buying our first house this year and trying for a baby, something that would have been a pipe dream back then.

All because of sertraline

@Lunapie how open with him are you comfortable being?

{mention:nellie} comfortable. He's on medication but doesnt seem to have been doing much the last couple of months.
I feel awful for saying it but I am really struggling. I'm now the one crying all the time.

I feel for you! My DH is exactly the same and when he is down it's awful because he brings everyone around him down too, he constantly goes on about how bad our life is (it isn't) etc and it gets really hard to deal with. He's also on citalopram but honestly I see no difference so I'm thinking of getting him to go to the dr and get swapped to sertraline. I was on sertraline for pnd after my second pregnancy and it helped me massively