Helping friend who is a hoarder

[OnoNotagain]

I have a lovely friend (F in her early 70's) who has hoarding tendencies, especially in the area of buying clothes. She admits she's addicted to buying clothes and spends literally hundreds of pounds every month on high end new clothing. She can afford it, but it's got to the point now where the upstairs of her modest home is literally rammed with bags, clothing rails, drawers bulging with stuff, shoe boxes, bags/packages of things she hasn't even opened - just piles of things in rooms she literally can't get into any more. Much of it is bought on line and the parcels lie unopened. She has no idea what's there, has certainly never worn much of it, a lot of it isn't even in her size and its become a real problem to her.

She has asked me if I could go over to her house (lives nearby) and help her clear just one room to give her some breathing space, even if that means sending much of the stuff to local charity shops.

I have no knowledge or experience of this situation, but am keen and willing to help her if I can, and have arranged to go over at the weekend to make a start.

I really would appreciate any advice anyone can give on the best way to handle this. My approach would be to just bag up anything which is surplus to requirements and get rid of it, but I accept that the process might be upsetting and traumatic for her so I need to be a bit more sensitive, I'm sure.

Help!! All advice gratefully received. Thank you.

If its that much stuff and unopened I would suggest one of those companies that sell your stuff on ebay.

I helped my friend who was a hoarder. It was incredibly difficult. My friend was unwilling to simply throw anything away without a great deal on consideration.

Out of date (by over a decade) tins of sweetcorn that were on her actual kitchen bench, preventing her from using the kitchen bench.

A letter from the primary school saying her son had swimming next term (three years ago).

Broken umbrellas.

She was completely incapable of saying

'oh yes, let's throw that out of date by a decade sweetcorn in the bin'

She wondered if she could give it to a homeless shelter. She wondered if I might like it. She wondered if she would make sweetcorn fritters. She would phone her auntie who liked soup and asked her if she wanted the sweetcorn.

With every single item.

Before you go any further please think how you’d feel if it ends up exactly the same in a very short space of time, because it probably will. I spent 3 weeks clearing a friends 2 bed flat so she’d have a chance to get her child back. This was just before Xmas, she told me later that her child had moved back in with her. Less than 2 months later I got a panicked call at 7am in the morning telling me her flat was in a bit of a mess and she had a landlords inspection in 2 hours. I went over and cannot believe the state she’d got it in within a matter of weeks. I managed to throw 12 bin bags worth of clothes, junk and rubbish before he turned up. I don’t really know what happened after that as I washed my hands of her

Forgot the main point really that when I was over there the second time I found out her child had never moved back in

OP it might be worth searching on MN for previous threads as they often seem to go the same way, I'm afraid - the situation, not the thread. It can be incredibly frustrating as a PP has illustrated, when they are simply incapable of changing their ways.

With your friend it sounds like the spending really needs to stop too which is an additional problem (it's not like it's just old newspapers that have accumulated).

If you are able to take stuff without her 'OKing' every item you might be able to be helpful, maybe selling it or donating it. Otherwise you might have a neverending battle on your hands that will drag you down too.

I am not a hoarder, more a minimalist but would suggest listening to some of The Declutterhub podcasts. The two women on it are professionals with lots of advice and understanding of the issues. There are nearly 200 episode. Could start with Nos 77, 7, 22 and 180.

They run a facebook group and there us a paid membership but the free podcasts are a good start.
Declutterhub

I think you can best help with encouragement and offering to take stuff away. Getting the stuff out of the house is a bigger logistical task.

I think you were wise to ask to be honest.

The practicalities aren't the issue. You've posted in Mh and that is the crux.

What is likely to happen if the REASON for the hoarding isn't addressed - preferably with a Mh professional - is that she will very quickly "replace" what's been got rid of as the loss will make her feel bereft and anxious

I have ocd but it definitely inc hoarding tendencies. While the ocd makes me desire a clean tidy and minimalist home in reality I'm more comfortable with "stuff" around me.

It's a very complex issue and each hoarder has different reasons why they struggle with this. Some are triggered by a personal loss, some by ocd like me, some by cognitive issues, some by addiction (which it sounds may also be the case here - spending addiction is real but only JUST Starting to be recognised in the uk)...

As pps said you need to also consider how you would feel if she continued to spend and hoard after significant help from you to get rid of stuff? Because I'm afraid ultimately as unfair as it may feel she won't be doing it to spite you but because she is unwell she's not doing this is any way deliberately.

The urge to do a thing to soothe anxiety is incredibly hard to break! Hell look how hard it is just for nail biters or hair twiddlers to stop!

This is not something that will be resolved overnight or short or even medium term it's a marathon for her to overcome this if she ever does.

It's also a lot more common than people realise

Let us know how you’re getting on op. Once you’re there and you can see what reaction she has to offloading her stuff then we might know how to help you better

Hello all, and thank you for your responses. My friend has now postponed the "clear out" visit until next week .... which seems to be how it's going to go! I can see she's going to struggle with the whole process.

@MMAMPWGHAP that's a great link, I'll listen to it before I go.

@Graphista ... thank you for your comments. I appreciate that my usual approach of "just chuck it out" won't work and I'll need a heck of a lot more sensitivity, but she's a lovely person and I am committed to helping if I can. She has had a very difficult life - divorced twice, miscarriages, serious family issues etc which may well have led her to where she is now.

I have visited her home several times, but only been downstairs, which is cluttered but livable. Her garage (attached to the house) however, is literally crammed with furniture, household stuff and random boxes, much of which belonged to her mother who has been dead for over 25 years!

I was going to suggest that she might sell some of the clothing on Vinted/Ebay or similar, but not sure that will work. Talking to her, it seems that all of the items were purchased for a reason - to wear on holiday/for when she goes out for lunch etc so it may well be a case of "oh, I cant get rid of that because ........ <insert reason> .... " for every item.

I'll see how it goes. I'm waiting for her to tell me which day she wants me to come .....

Thank you again for your insights everyone. I'll report back when I have more news.

Just popped back to update.

I arranged a date with friend to go over this afternoon, but she messaged and cancelled this morning citing concern over having caught Covid at a concert she attended on Sunday. She wants to make sure she's negative before I go over ... "Can we leave it til next week ..." .... we haven't fixed another date, but have arranged to meet to walk our dogs at the weekend at a local open space.

Clearly this is going to be harder than I anticipated. 😟

Well, you can't push it I don't think. There isn't any point. You can't help her get rid of things if she doesn't want to do it, frustrating though that is.

When I was doing it we were against the clock as the house was getting auctioned and anything she left in it was going to be auctioned too. But still she couldn't part with any of her nine custard jugs. Even though she couldn't have made custard if her life depended on it as there was no place to make custard.

I'd just say when you see her 'let me know if you want me to come around and help you clear that room'.

in your shoes I would just step back from offering to help with this, she obviously doesn’t really want it to happen. You sound lovely so I’m sure you can support her in other ways.

Thank you @N4ish ... I am trying to help, but, as you say, she's saying the right things but backing off when push comes to shove, as it were. I'll make sure she knows I'll help if I can and when she's ready ... <sigh> .... so frustrating.