I’m unhappy with my life right now.or rather with myself more than anything. I’ve been living under this blanket of depression for far too long. I have a little boy he’s 7 he’s my world he’s brilliant and he’s my rock.
We have a good coparenting arrangement going on and it’s going smoothly and has been for a while which is great. I have him most of the time and he goes to his dads and his step family every other weekend. No problems there although a few minor bumps and issues come up every now and then but nowhere near as bad as they were a few years ago. I’ve been more or less single since I left his dad back in 2016. I’ve dated, seen people, had a couple of half hearted and short lived relationships during that time. But nobody wanted to stick around. It made me feel very worthless and hopeless in finding anybody to be honest. Back in 2018 I made a stupid mistake of getting with my boys dad again and I got pregnant. I had an abortion. Another child with him would have been a disaster. He put me through a lot of trauma after we broke up and I felt stupid for having a fling with him again and getting pregnant it’s something I’ll never forgive myself for.
I decided to throw myself into a challenge and enrolled into a masters in 2019 and I passed it with distinction just before Christmas last year. A major achievement. Two years of studying from home, working full time and homeschooling during the pandemic. Im surprised I got through it but I did. I left my job just after Christmas and started with another company which is more flexible and more money.
I’ve been with somebody since just before Christmas 2021. We had a major issue back in February where I got pregnant. Not planned. He was adamant he didn’t want it and that things wouldn’t work with us if I went ahead with the abortion. I was shocked and upset by his reaction, but I didn’t want to lose him so I went ahead with the abortion. It was far too early and it was another stupid mistake that I’ll never forgive myself for.
Went straight on the minipill after the termination and I’ve gained so much weight. I’ve had so much work stress since it happened. I’ve suffered with depression and my confidence and self esteem is now non existent. I’ve just turned 35 and i feel totally lost in life. The amount of baby posts and pictures on social media is absolutely relentless. I see a baby in public and my heart breaks. I nearly broke down in a restaurant few weeks ago because a mother and her newborn baby sat opposite us. I held it together in there but when we got outside I broke down sobbing in public. Even watching something on TV someone announcing a pregnancy and their partner being happy and supportive breaks my heart. I know it was the right decision but it still hurts.
wirk stress recently has pushed me over the edge in terms of mental health. Bills going up has added to it also. I’m just struggling with everything right now.more so my lack of confidence. I just feel like it’s impossible for me to gain back some control over myself. I feel like I’ve lost control over what I eat, my health, my moods, my house is disorganised etc just seems like everything has spiralled since the abortion. work stress seems to have doubled as well, and things ‘going wrong’, inconveniences etc. it’s one thing after another and it’s overwhelming me. Just feel drowned by life I’m not enjoying it one single bit. I’m struggling to move away from this negative destructive mindset. I just don’t like who I am right now and it’s affecting my relationship and family relationships as well. I don’t have a solid support network. I’ve become very cynical and critical of people in general, thinking they’ve got ulterior motives, just want some gossip etc. I just can’t seem to trust anybody.
Everything on the surface should indicate that things are going well, new job, graduated with masters, new relationship, happy little boy etc but inside I feel like a self destructing tornado out of control such negative and unhelpful mindset that I can’t seem to switch off. It’s the crippling lack of self esteem or confidence that is preventing me from getting better. Tried meditation exercise taking time off yoga journaling but nothing is working.