I’ve been struggling recently due to a change in job. I work in retail, the company I just left I worked for 18 months during the pandemic. It’s quite a new company, still finding its feet so a lot of their policies and general working environment are relaxed. As a manager I was authorised to put staff discounts through the till, unfortunately it turns out the guidance and policies that my line managers above me told me were incorrect, meaning we’ve been putting things through the till incorrectly for around a year. It all blew up a few weeks ago, and myself and my line manager got the brunt of this as we had put most of the transactions through. A lot of people had spent over their uniform allowance, it was my store managers job to monitor this but she hadnt been, the way they’d shown me to track it wasn’t correct either. Some of the discount rates in store that I was told were ok to authorise weren’t, they basically argued that I should know the policies, if it’s not written in the policy then it’s wrong to do, but when you’ve got two managers above you saying things are ok to authorise you want to trust them, especially as a relatively new team member.
They suspended the manager above me, made it clear I was on thin ice too and generally made me feel incompetent and miserable. My last few days working there I was on a knife edge, ignored when I had questions to ask, I felt like they were always going to hold this genuine mistake against me. In the end I left, I felt like I had no choice as they clearly didn’t want me there, had I not left I felt like they would’ve taken this further and gotten rid of me anyway.
I’ve worked in retail for over 10 years, been management for 6, I’ve never once been in trouble, received a warning, even been late, so dealing with this has unsettled me. I have felt so anxious it’s made me physically sick, I won’t get a reference from them for future work. I have recently rejoined a company I used to work for, despite the circumstances they had me back in a heartbeat as they knew my work ethic and how I conduct myself which was reassuring. However I know the company isn’t doing well, and I’m terrified of losing this job if they go under, they made me redundant during covid as I worked in one of their stores they had to close down, they’ve built themselves back up but not to a level I feel secure with. They’ve done me a huge favour having me back full time given the circumstances, but what the manager had planned for me I can’t see happening as the company isn’t doing well, which has also worried me.
I just feel unsettled and lost, everyday is an emotional rollercoaster. Constantly anxious, at work I’m terrified of making a mistake now and second guessing everything, I’m not fully enjoying my job but I need it for now to get a better reference going forward. The people are great, the hours are better and the money is the same. I’ve been there a week but still feel so unsettled, I just look forward to getting into bed on an evening and a dread waking up and dealing with all of this.
Friends and family have been super supportive, they think I have a great chance should I take them to a tribunal but I can’t see what I would gain out of the stress of doing it. I desperately want to move on from this as I feel miserable but it’s hanging over me all the time.
I’m embarrassed to tell people, I feel like a failure when I’ve worked so hard in every job I’ve ever had and never done anything intentionally wrong to the point people question my conduct. And it concerns me how it’ll effect me getting jobs in the future if I can’t provide a reference from them, though I do have other great ones from other companies. Long term i want to get out of retail after all of this, it’s just figuring out how. I have a design degree but fallen out of love with it and thought about doing something new but don’t know where to start.
I guess I’m just looking for some support, advice, how can I move on from this? I have so many positive things in my life but I can’t seem to focus on them. I’m terrified of spending money incase I lose a job again, I had holidays I was looking forward to that I’ve had to cancel out of fear of wasting money and I’ve cut back my social life to a minimum again to not waste money. I just have this inner turmoil, not eating or sleeping properly and just dreading everyday at the moment.
sorry for the essay I don’t know where to turn