Struggling to find happiness in anything

[Randomname85]

Sorry this is long. I’ve got two children (5 years and 20 months). I’ve been working from home since 2017 when my daughter was small - we’d just moved to a new area and I was full of hope of meeting new people. I enjoyed my work and spent every spare minute out and about at groups, soft plays, the park etc. The pandemic hit in 2020 when I was pregnant with number 2 - my husband started working from home also and we very much enjoyed all spending time together as a family and welcoming baby number 2. Fast forward to now, my husband is more active at work (goes in twice a week) and I just feel like I don’t enjoy anything about life. I feel stuck in an endless routine of school runs, nap times and work. My husband helps with all of these things when he’s not in the office.

I think I’ve just got into this habit during the pandemic of doing nothing else but in those two years there was a sense of ‘we’re all in it together’ and now everyone seems to be doing things with their lives and I feel stuck in a rut. I can’t ever be bothered or motivated to do anything and don’t even know what I’d want to be doing. I haven’t made any friends here really, two years locked down hasn’t helped that - and all the school mums seem very cliquey already and I struggle, as an introvert, to break through. I’ve drifted apart from all my pre-pandemic friends who all seem to be getting on with things. I don’t really enjoy doing anything with my kids by myself - when my eldest is home from school I just stick the tv on and scroll my phone waiting for bedtime 😣 I hate to admit that. I enjoy going out and about with them when I’m with others (husband, family) bit can’t motivate myself to otherwise. I feel like a rubbish mum and like I have nothing going for me. Very much feeling depressed, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression in and off all my life but this is the worst bout in over a decade I’d say - I’ve seen a psychotherapist recently and it hasn’t helped much. I’ve contacted a life coach and will see if that helps.

Any other tips to get out of this rut?

I'm sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. Is medication an option for you to treat the depression and anxiety?

As someone who also lives with and is just coming out of a rut I think sometimes you need to accept, to an extent, that your health mean all you can do is tread water for a while and know that it's temporary.

I say this because with depression you often need a switch in your head to flick before you can move forward and this can take longer sometimes than usual. Doesn't mean you should give up trying, just stop beating yourself up about it.

A rut is terrifying, I know. My solution was to keep plugging away at trying to move past it, taking steps to put myself out there and reach out to people. It takes time and a bit of effort, you need to look at it as a routine task like doing the laundry.

And I don't succeed consistently day to day (or even week to week!) but you do move through it.

I keep seeing meetup recommended so I had a quick look and it does seem there are groups for various interests and age groups etc. I guess it varies area to area but take a look.

Also look at volunteering opportunities near you. All you need is the sense that things are changing to inspire you and meeting new people, having a chat is a great part of that.

Don't overload yourself at first, your motivation is low and as an introvert you'll need downtime. Look to do one thing a week and build from there. If the one thing a week isn't working, try something else.

Joining a gym helps me massively. Sometimes it takes me 2 weeks (or more) to get to a new class but once I have I can start building it into my routine and its something fresh and different. That alone helps.

Of course you're in a rut. You're doing it ALL. I totally understand and I think a huge number of women are in the same boat. We work from home often while partners are back in the office, we do all the school/nursery travel, we do the shopping/cooking/laundry etc etc because we are the ones at home (although working) and a number of us also have young kids to deal with too.

I have one older child, so it's vastly easier for me but I absolutely empathise. Many times I've wondered how we have managed to set ourselves backwards this much as a result of the pandemic. A lot of us have lost childcare (nannies/au pairs etc) and we are the ones left to bridge the gap. Men have managed to just get their 'old' lives back.

It's a shame you don't have a few good friends to pass the time with. It can make all the difference. Hang in there & try to meet some more people - its not easy.

Thanks so much for your messages. I may have made it sound like husband doesn’t do his fair share, he does when he’s working from
home (I guess I’m around more after school as my work is less full on). I think I definitely need to at least join a gym as a starting point, it’s just finding the time to fit it all in 😮‍💨