Hi,
I don't even know how I arrived here.
I am not a mum, and not even a woman...
I am just a random mid 30's Dad who on the surface of things has a good life that many people would probably wish for.
By that, I don't mean I have lots of money or any fancy things, but what I do have is a loving partner and a son who is my rock ( 10 ).
I also have a car, a mortgage and a job that pays enough to pay the bills and have a tiny bit left over.
I am realistic, I know there are people in much more difficult place than me - I am grateful for what I have.
What I don't know is that despite all of the above I feel so down and stressed... it's eating me from inside out.
I can't really put my finger on it, I just don't know what it is...
Every morning I wake up anxious, I sort my son out - of course whilst pretending everything is great and keeping up with the laughs whilst misleading him into thinking that everything is ok... but why wouldn't I? He is a child and I love him.
Once I take him to school, I'll get to my office ( home ) turn on my computer and start... crying and revisiting thoughts in my head to try and understand - I am doing this now.
Life is hard, responsibilities are overwhelming and as my partner also suffers with mental health ( managed well, but hasn't always been like that ) - the pressure to continue to be upbeat is draining.... I often fail.
Now that we are in spring, sometimes I get a smell of blossoming trees which instantly brings back my childhood memories - the happy memories.
Memories that almost instantly seem to make everything else insignificant, but at the same time signify how unhappy I am.
Work is hard, I feel the pressure - changing job is not an option or an answer... I like where I work and who I work with - it's the pressure I hate.
Then there is home life, as mentioned above - I try, but fail.
I remain upbeat and don't show sadness, but instead get grumpy and always snap... probably doing more harm than good.
I don't open up to my partner, she has enough on her plate.
Friedns? Well, I don't really have any and those that I do are for a bit of a laugh - not for a serious conversation.
Family? Other than the people under my roof I am on my own.
I thought about going to doctors for a long while now, but something just keeps stopping me inside... telling me it'll pass and sometimes it does for a few days, maybe a week.
Life feels like a rat race... what is the point?
I set myself goals and keep telling myself that once I achieve "X" things will get better.
Mortgage for example, I've been working 2 full time jobs for almost 3 years to save the deposit. I did it... we did it.
Now I live in a house I've worked for and achieved my goal, but nothing changed - I feel just as sad.
The same could be said for a company car I always dreamt of - Now I have one, and it hasn't made me happy.
I've worked so hard for everything, but can't help but feel deflated that despite my own assurances nothing has changed... it makes me feel like "what's the point"?
I never think about taking my life, but sometimes I feel it would be easier if I wasn't around.
I guess I am not really asking anything, it's just a whine - a whine to "strangers" so that I can keep up the appearances to the people around me.
I am sorry, but thank you for reading!