Is it possible to be suffering from depression but hide it for years?

[biggirlknickers]

Just that.

i don’t think I’m very well and I’m worried it’s getting worse.

Been keeping up appearances for a couple of years now I think. Maybe even longer. I haven’t spoken to anyone in RL about it.

I have other questions too. Like - can clinical depression be caused by circumstances? For example: I am deeply unhappy in my job and I have grief I haven’t dealt with. These might be good reasons for me struggling. Or am I struggling to cope with these things because of possible depression?

I’m almost certainly peri-menopausal too.

Honestly I don’t know where to turn for help.

The reason I think it’s getting worse is because I have had the uninvited but very clear thought, “I want to die” a couple of times. I should stress I am definitely NOT suicidal. But was very surprised by those thoughts as I’ve never thought anything like that before. And I definitely don’t want to die. I want to live and enjoy living.

Have you had any sort of therapy or counselling?

The ‘I want to die’ thought can be an expression of complete overwhelm and means you want everything to stop not actually die

Absolutely you can hide it for years. Sometimes see it referred to as 'functional depression' though I'm not sure it's really helpful as we don't function inside do we?

Yes, clinical depression can be caused by circumstances too. Have you looked at the Mind website? It's really useful for helping you to understand more.

In your shoes, my first port of call was my GP. Although I changed GPs first because the one I had at the time was useless.

I don’t think I’m very well and I’m worried it’s getting worse.

Would you like to talk about this some more?

Symptoms that make me think I might be depressed:

lack of energy
losing interest in things
not feeling close or affectionate to family
put on weight
want to cry often
stressed often
feel detached from the world even when I should be enjoying myself

Intrusive thoughts can be symptoms of all sorts of common mh problems, depression, anxiety, OCD etc.

Definitely worth seeking medical op 💐

It’s certainly possible to hide it for years. Think it’s called walking depression. I’m riddled with anxiety, depression and formerly ocd but kept it hidden from nearly everyone for years relatively successfully. GP would be your first place to go I think, unless you can refer yourself to a counselling charity?

No I haven’t had any kind of therapy.

Yes. Please see your GP, OP.

How old are you ?

Yes. Depression is a protective response to adversity as it stops you from exposing yourself to danger - useful if you're a male wild horse that just lost a fight and needs to be submissive to avoid being killed by the victor. Less useful if you're a human trying to function in our current society.

Complex grief would make anyone depressed.

You can self-refer for a short course of guided cognitive behavioural therapy through the NHS which could help you start to pick your feelings and explore strategies. It used to be called IAPT - it tends to be known as "[local area name] well-being services" or similar now.

There are also charities specialising in bereavement that may be able to provide signposting or support on that aspect.

*unpick your feelings

Yes, you sound like me OP. Although in my case I've known about it for years, and have had counselling via the GP in the past. And yes, it is very possible for depression to be caused by a whole series of life knocks, bereavement etc, but also for depression itself to be the cause of why you aren't coping.

Please make an appointment to see your doctor, and tell them just what you've told us on here.

if You can afford therapy you should try and find someone soonish. Gp will in all likliehood prescribe and maybe put you on a very long waiting list.

big hug to you. Look after yourself please

I’m 48. Which is why I think I’m probably peri-menopausal but I worry that it’s more than that. Especially given the “I want to die” thoughts.

whoever said it’s not actually wanting to die, it’s just wanting it all to stop - yes, this exactly. I want it all to stop and everything and everyone just disappear for a while.

I can’t afford therapy. I get 6 counselling sessions through my employer if I ask but I have no idea what I even want to talk about. So much. But I don’t even think I can summon the energy to talk about it all.

I felt like you about therapy but when I found the right one everything just poured out of me. It was fantastic.

From my perspectives and experiences, yes it can be hidden, looking back I did not label it as such back in the past, but the way I felt and my mind at the time, I would say I had some form of depression, it lasted for a few years, before I slowly managed to begin to put my mind back together.

All the best op.

You dont have to afford therapy. You can go to your local IAPT service and self refer. But sounds like you also need to talk to your GP about possibly taking some medication. You have a lot of symptoms of depression and some good reasons to be depressed (sometimes called reactive depression). I know it is hard when you are so drained, but you deserve to feel better, and it is possible to feel better. Look after yourself OP.

Thank you. I also need to pluck up courage to speak to my partner about it. I try to hide it from him as much as anyone.

How are you OP? @biggirlknickers

I’m actually quite well at the moment, thanks for asking.
Nearly three years since I posted this and I certainly remember how low I was.
I did three things, in the following order:

1. I got a new job. I love my new job. I was really thoroughly unhappy in the old one.
2. I had some therapy. Got it free on the NHS. It was a bit strange and I don’t think I addressed the grief (maybe one day I will) but I did deal with some self esteem issues.
3. I started HRT.

I’d say the new job and the HRT were the most effective things.

I feel lucky every day to be alive. I am aware every day of how awful I felt then and how easily it could come back so I actively work against that (while being prepared to battle it again if I have to).

This thread was massively helpful too. It was a safe space to say what was really in my head. That was such a relief. And you lot were bloody fantastic, as ever. So thank you to all who took the time to read and reply. 💐