Depression - is this normal?

[Blossom12345]

Hi there.
i luckily do not suffer from depression but my fiancé does. He’s had it 25 years. he has always taken anti depressants but two years ago during lockdown he stupidly stopped, completely cold turkey. He essentially had a break down and then thought he didn’t love me anymore. He went to therapy and got back on the meds and overtime he got better and said a cloud had lifted and he realised he had always loved me but just couldn’t feel it at the time, he suspects because he was in such a depressed state.

all was well until out of the blue he told me this weekend he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. I was devastated. He literally bought me a huge gift a few days ago and then on the day he told me, he bought paint samples for us to redecorate. Why do that if you’re unsure how you feel for someone? He keeps flipping between saying it’s his mental health and he knows he loves me deep down but just his mind playing tricks on him, and then worrying he’s just come to an end of the relationship. He said he’s been feeling this way for around 4-6 weeks. He’s been snappy, moody, no interest in anything, can’t sleep, feeling sick.

he then disclosed this morning he reduced his anti depressants from 30mg to 20mg 2 months ago, without me or the doctor knowing. The doctor warned him not to ever do this again after last time without the doctor say so.

i was wondering if anyone had been in my partners position and whether 10mg can really make that much difference? He said he feels depressed again. I am at such a loss as to how to help him. He said he will start going back to 30mg but earliest doctors app he can get is 2 months away.

thank you

That must be exhausting and distressing for you.

It's a while ago now, but I'm pretty sure I had very similar swings of mood about my relationship when I lowered meds, but never told DH about them.

Before I got depressed I had a lot of experience supporting depressed family member and a friend, so I was hyper aware of how draining it is to be on the receiving end of the mood swings and just hid them from DH.

I genuinely think it would help to let him know how you feel. Depressives forget other people have feelings. You deserve the freedom to say: this is very distressing to me. Your feelings swing so fast from presents and paint charts to saying you don't love me. I can't handle this. I need you to work on being more aware of what is a mood swing and what is a valid, genuine, consistent emotion.

I'd leave him tbh. He knows this happens when he comes off the meds. Why didn't he just make a Dr's appointment, why say to you that he doesn't know if he loves you?

It's emotionally abusive and I wouldn't be having it, depression or no. It's just cruelty for the sake of being cruel.

Honestly? I would rethink the relationship. He knows he reacts badly to altering or stopping medication. Yet he chooses to do that without speaking to his GP. He isn’t well and isn’t doing what he needs to stay well.

Thank you all for your comments, I do appreciate them and will take them on board.

I do not think it is a case of just leaving him, he has a mental illness which is affecting him. He doesn't mean to intentionally hurt me but I am collateral damage.

He is back on the full medication and has booked to see a counsellor so I am hoping to see positive changes in time. My eyes are wide open but he does clearly need help. I do want to help as much as I can, as I am committed to him and 99% of the time the relationship is brilliant.

I felt similar when I was depressed. It was awful. I literally told my psychiatrist that I looked at my children and husband and felt I would not care for one second if they simply disappeared out of my life. I felt unlovable and unable to love anyone. It was an awful numbness inside. I had shut down emotionally because that was me trying to protect myself from the horrible emotions of depression.

So, yes, feeling that you cannot love can be part of depression. I would see it as a red flag or symptom that the depression is active in him and have a thick skin as it’s the illness talking, not him. Of course, it is hurtful and he should now be aware he gets like this and when he feels this way, he should in future call a therapist or the doctor to say it to instead of telling it to you. That’s what I do. I tell my DH that my depression is “rearing it’s ugly head” and I’m “feeling antisocial” and then I call my doctor and say the stuff that I know would be hurtful.

So, I am agreeing that while it is his illness he should be able to take steps to avoid collateral damage to you in future episodes.

@Discovereads Thank you so much. I think your message is what I was hoping to read.

My partner describes exactly as you have. He said family members could be lying on the floor crying for him and when he is in hhis absolute worst state he could step over them if needed. He isn't that bad at the moment as he's managing to function currently (I think he's a functioning depressive at the moment - if that's such a thing?).

Today he rang me telling me he knows it's his mental health and that he knows he loves me but just can't feel it. He said he feels numb. He said he's not necessarily sad like he has been, but feels worse in a way because he's numb and has no emotions. I told him the exact same as your advice on the phone - I wish he had told me his depression was back (I know it's always there, but more so in one of his 'states') and that he was numb to everything, and not necessarily pinpoint our relationship because then I latch onto that. He said he has no interest in his usual hobbies either.

Thank you all. I have never posted on a forum before and it's comforting to know there are strangers out there who want to help.

@Blossom12345 That numb kind of depression is called anhedonia. I've had all sorts of depression over my lifetime but that was the one that frightened me most.

This might sound like a really pathetic suggestion but if he is up for trying anything, it's worth a go, as this is what worked for me to cure the anhedonia:
Suggest he does one thing he;s never done before every single day and records the experience in a notebook or private blog. Doesn't need to be a massive diary entry - a few sentences will do. And the new thing can be tiny at first but should build as the days progress. So e.g. day one you might walk down a street you've not walked down before and just describe it:" Denman Grove has suburban semis. A kid on a bike said hello as he rode past." He doesn;t have to describe how he feels or go into more detail but at least that amount of detail.

As the days progress, he could push himself to do bigger things he's never done before - healthy/safe risks like physical challenges, going to see a new band live etc.

I'm guessing but I think the reason this helps with anhedonia is that doing new things creates new neural pathways in the brain and depression is like being stuck on a neural loop the equivalent of a frozen computer spinning wheel of doom. After about two weeks I felt a bit better. After several weeks I felt a lot better and genuine enthusiasm came back. The reason I think this is a cure not just luck is that my depression has never properly returned since I did this in 2016 and I suffered various forms of depression for decades. Now when the early warning symptoms kick in, I find new things to do and after about two or three days the symptoms subside.

I am not saying it will definitely work but it's worth a go.

@gingerhills thank you so much for the suggestion - I will certainly ask him to. We're willing to try anything at this stage. He said the same, he said the numbness is worse than him feeling sad. It is hard for me as I luckily have never been depressed so I struggle to understand but I do try. I have read so many websites suggesting things to do and I've not read your suggestion before so I will definitely suggest it to him.

It is really hard when the person you love most in the world, who you can usually depend on and tell everything to suddenly becomes a shell. When I look him in the eyes at the moment it's like there's nothing behind there. It's scary. But I know it's a disease and only he can get himself out of it.

@gingerhills thank you for sharing, this makes so much sense to me and is fascinating. I will try it out, currently struggling and have my whole life 😊

@Ridingoutthewaves I am sorry to read you are struggling - sending a big hug your way.

I've always known people suffer with depression but I think there is so much more to it than people realise, such as symptoms like feeling numb etc. It's not just feeling blue for a few days. It can literally make a sufferer question their entire reality, I imagine.

By way of update, I told my partner about your experiences @Discovereads @gingerhills (Just said I read them online) and he said he was pleased he wasn’t the only one feeling these feelings. He’s very up and down and I’m probably making things worse as sometimes I get upset feeling like the partner I have loved for 8 years isn’t there anymore. This in turn makes him worse and he said it makes him feel like a burden and that I deserve better. But then when he is feeling more positive he said he knows the feelings will be and will come back. He’s having a therapy session next week and I’m not expecting miracles but hopefully some light at the end of the tunnel. I just can’t imagine he has fallen out of love so quickly, maybe I’m being big headed, but we were so so happy literally a couple of months ago, he even admitted we were.