My life is pretty bloody grim at the moment and I'm sinking

[hellobellosback]

I think the things that happened last year have cumulated into a hideous depressing standstill.

In March my brother was beating his wife and then he and she and her children were having fights. She announced she was pregnant at the same time.

My father meanwhile was telling everyone that my mother has dementia but mustn't know about it. He is a wife-beating control-freak and bully who also regularly attacked his children. My mother certainly has problems, and it no longer really matters what the cause is or was and we don't know how the disease will progress.

My real problem now is that in the summer I was diagnosed with breast cancer and our plans to leave the country had to change quite a lot. We had to give up the house we'd rented abroad because we didn't know what kind of treatment I'd be getting or for how long. My parents said we could stay in a house they rent from my uncle which they hardly use.

When I got out of hospital after a mastectomy, I was immediately re-admitted to another hospital with colitis.

I was let out of hospital and given steroids to treat the colitis, which played havock with my mood. My father has started bullying me again. He is more out of control these days and does and says things where he is more likely to be noticed by other people.

My brother's baby has arrived, and I'm ashamed to say that I really couldn't care less. It is very sad that I shan't ever know the child.

At the moment, I feel that if I tell anyone in RL about what my life has been like, they will run away. It's horrible feeling that people really have a good reason to not like you.

I don't know what to do. Ropes beckon...

You have had more to deal with in the last year than many people have to deal with in their whole lifetime

There are people out there who will listen and not run away and it sounds like you are really in need of someone like that right now. Have you had any counselling? If not, can you go to your GP and ask for a referral? If you can afford it, can you go privately so you see someone sooner rather than later?

None of what has happened is your fault and you mustn't believe that people don't like you because of it. They may well not understand but it doesn't mean they don't like you...

I don't honestly know what to say, because you do sound like you've had the sharp end of life lately, I didn't want to give no response either.

Is there anyone you could unload some of your worries on? If you could bounce some of your problems off someone would it help?

Coming on here is a good step, you'll get plenty of advice and support. Have you also considered the samaritans, if you just need to let it all out?

It sounds like you've had a lousy time, I'm so sorry, and I hope you can hang in there. xx

hellobello, i am sorry you are having such a shit time just now. It is funny how life seems to just throw all the shit at you in one go, thats how it seems to go for some reason.

My father had dementia and it is shit, there is no nice way to put it im afraid. There are drugs out there that can slow the disease progress down, irrespective of the cause, they tend to label these things but actually things like alzheimers can only be properly diagnosed post mortem, and by that time, whats the point? You have to be pushy with social services etc, but do try and get your mum a care team established, be that a social worker (fecking useless in my opinion but they have to be involved)or CPN. That way she has a professional to fight her corner. Maybe some respite care is in order. Practical things you can do for mum are things like, making sure the clocks are always right, only have one clock etc. Have an obvious calender saying what day it is, simple things like that. We used to put my dads name and address on several bits of paper and put them in his wallet and pockets in case he took himself off and couldn't get back home. If you contact the alzheimers society they can give you lots of practical information and also will fight your corner re care homes etc, if and when it comes to that. Age concern can help to. My Dads cpn organised for him to go to dare care, he loved this, and used to think it was his "job", bless him. It broke my heart to see him deteriorate, he used to need my DP to walk him home because he couldnt find his way - he lived in the next road! Im sorry, this is not very positive, but i strongly believe that forwarned is forarmed and you are in a good position now to make some positive contributions to your mum, if you feel up to it.

As for the rest of your family, do you really need their shit? If they can't get themselves together is it really your fault? It is a shame about the baby, but it is not your fault and it wont adversely affect the baby if you dont see him. I think you should tell your brother that unless he sorts himself out, you will not break contact but you will not be available to help him until he helps himself.

Bless you, you have been through so much, i dont know how you are managing, but you ARE, and you also took the time to post on my thread to support me, that was very much appreciated. I am having a better day today.

Please go to the doctors, you cannot expect these feelings to go away by themselves, as my doctor said, you woudlnt leave a back ache untreated, so don't leave depression/anxiety as it will only get worse. My ADs just take the edge of things and i can cope with the day, sometimes i have bad days, sometimes i have fucking awful days, but i manage, thankfully, lately i also have good days, and sometimes even really good days. lol - i almost feel normal

Hang in there, use this board as a sounding box and put yourself first, you deserve it.

Thank you all for not running away! Tomorrow I start some art therapy which I was really looking forward to. Now I just feel like crying. I don't know, my feelings may well be wrapped up with the bc diagnosis.

Dh and I feel very vulnerable living in a house my father pays for (he won't allow us to pay rent or the bills or anything that would give him less control). We can't afford our own place right now.

This is terrible. As I write, my life just seems more and more gloomy and I don't want to see it that way.

I'm going to the doc on Friday, and I'll ask about anti ds. I've almost lived on them over the years, so it won't come as a surprise.

It's horrible, that awful realisation, that you're going round the bend, sort of bottoming out then the bottom isn't there. Yes, it's time for those drugs again...

I like you hellobello - I remember talking to you when you posted about finding your breast lump and thinking how nice you were and I always look out for your posts. You have been through so much lately that it is hardly surprising that you are feeling low - your health issues alone, without all the family stuff, is more than enough to be dealing with. But you are managing to deal with it and you should be proud of yourself that you have managed to cope so far. I have also seen you on other threads where depite how you are feeling you are still trying to give others some help and advice - that's the sign of a caring person that people won't want to run away from. Do you have some sort of timeframe for when you would be able to move out of your dad's house as that would help alleviate some of the stress of his controlling behaviour ?

Hi Hellobellosback,
What can I say but you've had a crap year? From what I've been told/read bad news (read "crap"), comes is 3s. You've had your three and best news of all you have a new year! Good riddence to 2007 as far as I'm concerned!

I've never walked in your shoes, but are drugs the answer? Is there some way to get out from under your dad's thumb? Council house, friends, anything that would get you on your own and feeling better about your life?

As far as brother is concerned, there is little you can do. Try not to let it affect your life too much. Get your life sorted, then you can worry about your brother, sister-in-law and niece/nephew. It seems like your brother's behavior is learned from your dad. Abuse in families is a horrible circle. Children see parents behave in a certain way then grow up to copy it. Since you're still under your dad's control, you're still in the circle. Try and come up with a way to get out of it. Counciling is great and there are so many organizations out there ready to help if you just give them a call.

Regarding the breast cancer, I'm so sorry. A close friend of mine had BC when she was in the late 30's. She's since had a child, relapse, masectomy and been cancer free and clear for 24 years! With all the medical advances in the past 10-15 years, having BC is not a death sentence. Again, get counciling. You'd be surprised how many women out there have/or have had BC.

Hope 2008 is better for you, (although I don't see how it could get much worse!). Keep your hopes high and remember, you're never alone!

Today was my 1st art therapy session. It was the first time I really haven't wanted to go to a therapy session in over 20 years of talking to one person or another.

Anyway, I got there, and spent a lot of time crying. I guess I didn't really want anyone else to see me crying.

I'm glad I went. It seems that bc affects people in a lot of different ways, and it's not just the disease itself.

I don't have a disgusting eating disorder to fall back on, or any cigarettes, or very much alcohol. I feel so fat and disgusting and unfit and lonely and shaky, it's horrible. I feel the same as I did as a teenager, all the things that led me to try to self-destruct.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to tell myself that it will pass and that I will just have to put up with feeling fat for a bit.

I am very unfit, largely because I've been very ill. My doc has told me to watch out for depression. I'm trying, but I don't know what to do about this.

Is there anybody out there?

Sorry, I don't know what else to do.

Sending you gentle (((hugs))) HBB

Please go and see your GP x x

I'm sending you a big hug too. Sounds like lots of MNers have a high regard for you, and like them I'm sorry you've been through so much. I'm not sure what your doc meant by telling you to watch out for depression, doesn't sound like the most useful comment in the world to me. As you've said yourself, you are at a real low. The art therapy sounds good but are you able to get other sorts of help at the moment? I don't know too much about the different kinds of therapy available or whether they appeal to you or you've tried them in the past. Or what about support for women like you who've had breast cancer - was anything offered (I wasn't sure if the art therapy was a result of that). And do be kind to yourself.. can you give yourself treats or get someone else to give you one.

Thank you for your kind words, whenwillisleepagain. The art therapy is organised through the breast cancer network. At the moment I have no other therapy. I had a fantastic therapist for a year until last July which was part of a psychological experiment. It was a pity it ended when it did, but hey, that's life!

I don't know what next. I'm going to try taking tablets for a while as they may work. I'm eating too much and drinking when I don't want to.

How are you getting on PurpleOne?

Art therapy is tomorrow and gp on Friday. I really hate taking pills if there is any chance that I don't need to.