I feel worthless

[AgoraphobicAnonymous]

There are literally three people in the world who will miss me when I'm gone, and even they are more likely to be relieved than sad. Apart from them, every single person who has claimed to love or care about has left me. Even my sister, who I considered my best friend, has ghosted me for the last six months.

It must be me, right? I must be a really awful person? But I don't know what it is that's so awful about me.

I'm housebound agoraphobic. I live with my 18yo dd but she spends the majority of her time in her room when she is home. My 20yo dd is just about to finish uni and moved in with her bf hundreds of miles away. She phones me once every week or two. My mum visits about two hours a week, usually an hour on Wednesday morning and an hour on Sunday afternoon, always when my daughter is here so I can't talk to her about how I really feel.

And that's it - my entire social circle in a nutshell. I just feel so alone and pathetic and worthless and I'm not sure how much longer I can go on.

Hello - I'm so sorry about your situation, and that you feel so down. I have been agoraphobic for some years, have just completed therapy and been able to venture outside again, so I can understand a little. It is easy to lose heart when you spend so much time alone and your world is four walls. My only near relations, my brother and his wife, have lost patience with me and never contact me or reply to my messages, which hurts me.
A few things helped me to cope with the worst times: having a hobby/occupation/interests that didn't rely on going out (mine are reading and sewing); podcasts and Youtube 'live' helped me to see more of the world than just my house; forming friendships and making contacts with interest groups via the internet. And therapy. Is that something you can access or would that not help your particular situation? I realise we are not all the same - my agoraphobia was triggered by trauma and bereavement, yours may be very different.

Hi Cats, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry that you are also living with agoraphobia. It's so isolating and nobody really seems to understand why you can't just get over it. I'm glad you are managing to get out more.

It's been over 16 years now for me. I had therapy about 10 years ago which did help for a while but I'd already been struggling again for a few years before covid hit and made it so much worse. I haven't left the house at all since November.

I do have plenty of things to keep me busy at home (I also like sewing - I do cross stitch) and I'm a natural introvert so for the most part I'm comfortable in my own company. But on the darker days, when the intrusive thoughts hit, there's literally no one I can talk to.

This time it's come to a head because I've tried reaching out to my sister in the hope we can reconcile and she has again completely ignored me. I don't know how I can accept that my sister no longer wants me to be a part of her life.

You are NOT ALONE! Well done for reaching out on here. You are not a horrible person because horrible people don't care if they are horrible so don't give it any thought. Does your DD drive , could she take you out in the car just down the street and gradually go further until maybe you could go to a quiet place like a field somewhere ? Have you tho it hot or tried haveing a good night sleep with fresh bedding and pjs ,waking up and having an hypnotherapy session and then having a long relaxing bath and then attempting to just go outside for few seconds and gradually extend the time ? Could your gp refer you to a mental health practitioner? There's lots of info on the internet and the benefits of possible CBT therapy? How is your first op could you make sure your eating right and drinking plants of water ?

You are right, it hurts when family do not want to be in touch. It baffles me because if the situation was reversed, I would be doing all I could to support my brother (and I would guess that you'd feel the same about your sister). I understand the pain it causes, but I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to change his mind, and to turn my attention elsewhere, establish other ties and friendships, and try not to dwell on it. The lack of contact is not my fault, nor is it yours in your situation. You are not worthless, and this is no failing of yours. And as the PP has said, you are not alone - you have the MN community, we are always here - there are even night time posters who will keep you company if you can't sleep. They have saved my bacon on many a miserable long night.

It sounds hard OP. I would try and reach out for therapy and stick with it. I think it's important to remember that other people can only do so much, they can't necessarily always be what we want them to be, and we have to allow them to step away if they need to. Because often the things we say when we stuck are repetitive and self defeating and that's hard work for others, regardless of if they are family or not. So I would agree to look towards your inner resources now and work on those. Good luck. x