Intrusive thoughts about past behaviour

[Mabelshouse]

I don’t feel I’ve ever really suffered from depression but I occasionally get anxious. However recently I have started to obsess over things from my past that I feel were truly horrible and I’m ashamed.

They are things I did in my teens. I shouted at a toddler I was babysitting in a mean way deliberately once when I was 14, really scaring her. I stood by while a girl at school was bullied. I wasn’t nice to a disabled boy once. Me and a friend used to pick on her little sister. I even pushed her over once. I deliberately scared my dog. I suppose it was all to feel powerful

I am in my 40s now. These thoughts are haunting me. I’m a good person mainly now I think, I very occasionally take pleasure in people’s misfortunes ( if it’s someone I don’t like) but I know that’s not nice too. I’m not a bully as an adult. I work in a helping profession, I try to be a nice person.

I feel bad that I was a nasty teenager. These were isolated incidents I didn’t do them all the time. Why was I like this? If my kids did this I’d be appalled.

I know I can’t change the past. I know I should feel ashamed. However I do t know how to manage these thoughts. Am I terrible person? I’m scared these thoughts are pulling me into depression and I don’t know what to do.

Please be nice (I maybe don’t deserve it but it’s taken a lot to post this.)

Thank you for replying. I did think about cbt. I do have some mild obsessions such as checking and rechecking locks. Crazy routines that if I divert from will mean something bad happens etc…

I feel I am mainly in top of that but with the added intrusive thoughts I feel I’m not in a good place.

We've all got things in our pasts we wish we'd done differently, or not done at all. You can't go back and change any of it, you can learn and grow from it and do different in future. Try to forgive yourself and think about the good things you did too. It's almost certain the good things out number those you see as bad. You were operating with the tools you had at the time. Some things I look back on I'm not happy about but I know it was also how I survived the challenges of my own childhood. Later I was able to understand things differently and so handle them differently. I can't expect 20 year old me to have the maturity and insight of 40 year old me.

What is your personal situation now? Married? Children?

Isn't that sort of normal to have some sort of bad behaviour as a teen? Not sure why a bit of guilt we surely all get is painted as a mental health issue though, it's normal isn't it? Maybe there's more to this but it seems like you're jumping to make it a pathology.

A bit different but I am in a 12 step program, we list what we’ve done wrong and then make amends. Might be being nice to people today or making a donation to disability charity. If you are religious, something like the sacrament of confession could help. If this is still bothering you definitely speak to a counsellor.

Thanks. No I’m not trying to pathologies it. I just wasn’t sure where to post it. I also thought that intrusive thoughts might be a sign of depression.

I’m married with children, usual kind of life. I do not like my job much bit, worried about ageing parents, menopausal. The usual stuff.

I've been experiencing this a lot recently and had been meaning to post for advice. I was more a knob during my 20s than my teens. Will post more later but i empathise!

I have clinically diagnosed OCD, and yes, this is a part of it. Coping techniques help and I decided to think of it as a sort of immune disorder of the brain. It tests itself with all of the worst things you have done/think you might have done/think you might be capable of doing.

It's horrible because it makes you distrust your reality in that you are always having to overthink your perceptions. And it's horrible for self-worth.

Try your GP, take up coping mechanisms and in doubt ask yourself how you would feel about someone who told you they shouted at a child as a teenager. They would say ok, but you don't shout at kids now, do you?

It's ok to forgive yourself.

Stunned to read this! Can relate so much. I had a phase of going through this exact thing a few years ago. I obsessed about things I did in my teen years, feeling ashamed. For me it coincided with a period of low self confidence/social anxiety that came quite suddenly. I’ve always been outgoing but I started worrying about being a good person over all else and less helpfully about being liked. So I said the polite thing in social situations rather than the funny thing or the interesting thing or whatever the real me might have said pre confidence crash. I had just had my first child and struggled to make friends because I was so socially awkward - all because I was desperate not to be me - because of these awful shameful truths of my teenage years… sounds bizarre I know. It took a long time - a few years - but over the last few months I’m feeling much more myself and certainly not worrying about what I did or said 20-30 years ago.

I hope you feel better soon - I think counselling could be a great option like a PP said. I didn’t do it but perhaps should have.

Sounds like it could be OCD. Those things are a normal part of growing up, but as someone who suffers with this form of OCD, your reaction to the thoughts sounds very familiar. Try looking up 'intrusive thoughts ocd' and see if it sounds like you. If so, done delay seeking some help to deal with the thoughts.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

www.treatmyocd.com/blog/pure-obsessional-ocd