Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

Friends don't understand why I need to work away, really need some support and advice

15 replies

ljhooray · 08/01/2008 17:07

Hi everyone,
Really feeling torn at the moment and don't know what to do or feel. I started a business with a collaeague 6 months before I became pregnant with my dd and have continued with the business. Its been going very well and I am the breadwinner for the family. My husband is really supportive and helps with childcare (dd also does 2 days a week at nursery and being a socialable little soul, loves it!)

We have just won a new client and I well need to go away, 1 week in Feb and 10 days in March. My business partner is not expecting me to do this often and this will not be a regular thing.

I told my friends and they were appalled, they thought it was terrible that I should go away. I am now very worried about dd and the effect on her, my husband is totally behind me and understands that for me to keep this job (which does offer me much more flexibility to spend time with dd than an office job) its worth it.

I know feel like a truly terrible mother and don't know what to do. I have already contracted out some of the work otherwise it would have been longer but the client is expecting me to deliver these dates. I love my dd so much and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I also need to keep the household going.

Has anyone else had to work away with a young baby (she'll be 1 when I go)? What happened? What could I do to make this easier? Am I doing something terrible?!

OP posts:

Spidermama · 08/01/2008 17:10

Don't you worry a bit. My goodness no-one would bat an eyelid if it were a man going away. Your friends don't sound very understanding or supportive if you ask me.

You go. Good on you.

mosschops30 · 08/01/2008 17:10

Stop beating yourself up. A couple of weeks is not a long time and its not even all in one go.
You are providing for your family not going on a girls holiday to ibiza . Your dd will be absolutely fine and will love you just as much when you return from your trip.

I think its great, well done you for keeping your business going and making it work. Just think what a great example you will be to your dd when she gets older

TellusMater · 08/01/2008 17:10

If it were your dh making the trips would they be saying the same about him?

saadia · 08/01/2008 17:11

Haven't got any experience but doesn't sound that terrible to me if your dh will be there to look after dd - and it is in her interests for your business to do well.

RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 08/01/2008 17:13

Don't worry, it will be fine. I travelled a lot for work when DD1 was little, it wasn't ideal but it had to be done so I did it. You will be much more upset then her. Your friends are not being particularly helpful I have to say.
You say your DH is a hands-on dad anyway. My DH was terrific - I was doing one foreign trip a month from when DD1 was 5 months until she was 18 months. I changed jobs then because I didn't want to do the travel anymore, but I dont' think it damaged DD in any way, she has an exceptionally close relationship with DH and it was a great opportunity for him to develop his parenting skills without me hovering over him, telling him what to do.
Don't feel guilty, and if others are making you feel that way, have a think about what kind of friends they are.

rahrahrahrahrah · 08/01/2008 17:13

Your friends are just jealous that you have a life! Your daughter will be fine she is in good hands. I think it is great you manage to hold down a business and look after your family and your dd is only in nursery 2 days a week so she gets the best of both worlds. It would be different if going away for long periods was something that both you and your dh did on a regular basis. I am sure that you friends are envious of your success as opposed to being concerned about the wellbeing of your child.

OrmIrian · 08/01/2008 17:15

Dh is looking after her. What's the big deal?

Maybe they are looking at it in terms of how they would personally feel. But you are not them. Ignore them if you can.

Spidermama · 08/01/2008 17:16

I think you're right rahrah. There could well be a bit of jealousy going on here.

Original poster

ljhooray · 08/01/2008 17:29

Hi everyone,

I just want to say the biggest thank you (in fact you've all made me cry a bit in a very good way!!) Your support and experience here is so appreciated. Before speaking to my friends I felt what I would consider the appropriate 'court of motherhood!' level of guilt :-) but like many of you have said, felt that her close relationship with dh and I providing for the family were really positive things for dd.

If I had all your addresses, I'd bring you back a pressie!

OP posts:

lisad123 · 08/01/2008 17:37

Go, if it was your DH they wouldnt say a word. Your DH will do brill. I trust my dh with the girls 100%, but friends and family were shocked that had coped with both kids (one being 3 weeks old, the other on half term, thwen back to school) while i spent nearly 3 weeks in hospital.
We need to put more trust in men to care for our kids, they can do it (with a few lists )

I'd love time alone

Anna8888 · 08/01/2008 17:41

No problem leaving your DD for a week or ten days. Go for it and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

anorak · 08/01/2008 17:49

Take no notice of your 'friends', it sounds to me as if your daughter is being well cared for and anyway it's none of their business.

tribpot · 08/01/2008 17:53

I think as Rosa says, you'll probably be more upset than she is. How old is she? Obviously pre-school if she's in nursery. I know my ds (2.5) would be upset if I was gone that long, but would bribe him with visits from grandma and similar (indeed would have to, as dh is chronically ill so couldn't manage ever overnight without help).

Your friends don't seem to understand the reality of being a working parent. It's always a compromise between responsibilities. And even more so when you're the main breadwinner. These two times the job has to take priority - as mosschops says, it's not like you're going on a girls' trip to Ibiza!

Which isn't to say I don't envy you a bit ... 10 days of childfree time (even working!) sounds like a holiday!

tazmosis · 12/01/2008 11:46

My DD's are just over 2 and 3 and I worked away for 2 days a week (left before they were up on day 1 and back after they were in bed on day 2) from DD2 being 6 months old until she was 2. I have also been away twice for a week - once because of a close family bereavement and the second time for a week long training course that was compulsory. It upset me more than it upset them - my mum came and stayed when i was away for the 2 separate weeks but my husband looks after them when I travel in the week, and I look after them when he has to travel in the week. Your DD will know that you love her and your day to day care is what will give her security, you being away for short periods of time won't destroy that security. Yes, she might miss you, but as long as she is at home with her Dad or other family members it really won't do her any damage. But you have my sympathy because it is incredibly hard - for you.

perpetualworrier · 12/01/2008 11:56

A close reltionship with Dad is apparently v. good for a girl's self esteem - so you are doing her a favour by going!

You friends are jealous of the way you are providing for your familiy and being a great mother and getting the flexibility from your job that they wish they had in theirs.

Go, enjoy the break (change) and come back an even better mum.

Dh sounds great BTW - bring him back something nice too!

Flip