Been an awful couple of years and I feel sad and lonely

[Screamy]

Wasn’t sure where to post this so apologies if this is the wrong topic area.

I’ve had an awful time. I’m stuck in a job that pays well but is toxic and I feel stuck. At the start of the pandemic I got cancer and went through treatments etc. Back to work FT, juggling young kids and family. Got COVID and feel dreadful. HGV hit our parked car this week and work are making me feel useless.

I’m always told I’m too nice and I feel so angry and frustrated. I’ve been through hell but no one seems to care. My efforts at work are belittled, no friends got in touch whilst I’ve been unwell and even my DH ‘tolerates’ my complaining. I’m not complaining though, I feel tired and lonely and like no one is validating what I’ve been through. I’m not expecting anything much, just a bit of kindness and being made to feel okay not to always be okay.

Not sure what else to say, just felt I needed to get this out somewhere x

you've been through a lot. No advice really but I'm listening.

another person listening. Don't stop being a nice person. Sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own lives they just assume others are coping. Have you reached out to your friends and explained how you feel?

You’ve had a lot to deal with OP, I’m not surprised you feel as you do.

You’ve mentioned been made to feel useless at work. Are you able to explain a bit more about this?

Can you get some therapy? No one else has the privilege to make us feel useless, so it's time to improve your boundaries and stop feeling walked all over. If you don't feel like anyone can validate you in your life, a therapist will absolutely sit with this with you. You have been through a lot, but I think you know this already and ultimately you don't need anyone to tell you this. What do you think you need at this point?

I’m stuck in a job that pays well but is toxic and I feel stuck.

Ah, the good old 'golden handcuffs'. Been there for ages myself, am still there. The prospect that if you leave, where will pay as well (or offer other as good T&Cs--I'm in the civil service)?

Having acquired misery and ultimately depression along with my savings, I'm trying to reframe it. Having a financial cushion enables you to try out an alternative life and not starve if it goes wrong--for example, reducing hours while you retrain to do something else.

If that's too much to contemplate at the moment, it sounds like you don't get much opportunity to make small achievements for yourself. Doing a language at evening class helped me with that. It's almost certainly dismissedcompared with for menthat women also need to feel they're 'achieving' in something.

@screamy how are you feeling today? Im stuck in a job that pays shit and is toxic. From experience I have learned that when things are tough there are few people around. How are you doing with your cancer treatment are you in remission?
Work places can be souless environments and the team dynamics can change. You know what you deliver at work don't let anyone ever belittle that.

Thank you so , so much everyone for replying. I’m doing okay, I’ve finished treatments and though I am going to be taking ongoing drugs that throw me into early menopause etc, I am grateful to have those options available to me.
Really good point about reframing things, you are also right that finding something else to feel I’m achieving at is such a good idea. I’ve never thought about it like that, thank you for suggesting this.
I think what you’ve all said about needing validation etc, yeah you’re right. I need to get over that.
How wonderful for you all to have taken some time to respond, I really am so grateful to you ❤️❤️

Hi Screamy, hope letting this out helped a bit. I'm similarly "golden handcuffed" but worse again in a toxic relationship, know the feeling of having nowhere to turn.
I would also suggest doing something different, anything. Covid hasn't helped but I've done a silk painting course for a few weeks (some would say stereotypical:), it was really nice. I'm even looking at studying for some completely different professional exams - complete and utter pie in the sky!
Keep writing here, that may help a bit too.

It has helped thank you. Any tips from anyone how to stop seeking validation from others? Reflecting on your earlier helpful comments, I think that’s definitely a thing for me x

I'm not so great at that myself unfortunately. All I could think is perhaps doing things - be it cooking a fancier dish, or learning some skills...

I went through a really bad few years sometime ago, at the time It felt like nobody understood or cared. I would get very frustrated and upset this spiralled and caused me other problems that I won't go into. I had someone break my trust in a spectacular way and something changed in me. I realised that I had rely on myself, I now make myself a priority not in so much a selfish way but I value myself a lot more and see my worth. I no longer look to others to give me that. Also knowing that other people mostly don't give a shit is quite freeing I stopped worrying to much what other people think so have taken up some new hobbies and wear clothes I was too scared to in the past. Well thats my tuppence worth.

I’m sorry you went through that oneday, but that is good advice and I’d like to be more like you describe. I’ve been let down too, I’m told I’m too trusting etc, Sometimes feels like I’m such a naive idiot at times. I just try to see the best in people and this often means I can get hurt.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

When I went through a difficult time two things that people said that helped me were-

1. generally people are really selfish. After passing on best wishes, they don't really know what else to say and they continue to focus on their own lives (this did help me, but sorry if it sounds awful!) it's not that they don't care, they're just focusing on their immediate circle.

2. if you feel something, say it as it is. Eg if you feel sad or unwell, when people say how are things with you? I would say "yeah not too bad I guess" hoping they'd read between the lines. If you do this, stop. Very few people do read between the lines. Be honest and vulnerable with people, let them in. People aren't mind readers and maybe genuinely don't realise how tough you've had it.

Hope you feel better soon, I bet a lot more people than you realise care a lot more than you think

@Screamy thanks but bizarrely in hindsight I'm sort of glad it gave me the kick up the arse I needed. I still have trust and faith in people and society in general but I don't rely on it as my foundation of well-being. I have a mentor who says most people are going to let you down at some point some will be minor some large. If you expect it then when it happens it's easier to deal with. It doesn't mean that you don't feel hurt or shouldn't be open and vulnerable but people are not perfect and sometimes they fail.

I understand how you feel and I can imagine that the lack of acknowledgment is very hard. You’ll still be processing the shock and anxiety of what you’ve had to go through. You’ve had to stay strong to be where you are now- that’s a massive, massive achievement.

Thank you so much for helping me feel a bit better by validating what I’ve been through, it sometimes feels incredibly lonely xx