MIL with paranoid delusions (trigger warning)

[CompulsiveSoupEater]

Name changed as this is outing: apologies this will be long.

MIL is in her mid 70s and lives alone in a semi detached house on a quiet street populated mainly with other older people. She's lived alone for decades and is very independent and house proud.

She has always been a bit difficult and lacking in empathy- looking at things from another person's point of view is something she very much struggles with. She has 2 children, DH and my DSIL, and has not had easy relationships with either of them- DSIL has gone no contact with her on many occasions over the years because MIL has been really horrible to her, and DH ended up living with his dad during his teens after his parents split up.

In mid 2019 a young couple moved into the house adjoining MIL. She seemed very happy at first and seemed to like them. They had a baby- again MIL was happy about this as she likes babies.

Things started to change in the spring of 2020 when we went into the first lockdown. She started to complain the neighbours were really noisy. They were doing a bit of renovation work and had a baby who was a poor sleeper, and both they and MIL were stuck at home. She probably heard them more than she would normally and it's likely they were noisy compared to the elderly lady who lived there before. But then she started complaining about them more and more- she said they were banging on the pipes for hours on end and throwing marbles at the wall. She went from thinking that they were a nice young couple to telling us that they were horrible people.

She got the idea the male neighbour (I'm going to call him Andy) was trying to drive her out of her home so they could knock through to make a bigger house. In retaliation, or to drown out the sounds the neighbours were allegedly making, she started turning her TV up full volume. The neighbours complained to the council about the noise and so did MIL. The council suggested to both parties to keep a noise diary. The neighbours did and MIL did not.

Over time she began to get more and more unpleasant towards the neighbours and they became fearful of her. Things came to a head at Xmas 2020, just before the December lockdown, when she punched "Andy" for damaging her property. Something had been damaged, but there is no evidence he did it and there was a much more likely explanation to the damage; but she immediately jumped to the conclusion it was him and punched him out of the blue.

"Andy" did not retaliate, however his wife "Lucy" and her sister went round to my MIL's straight after and knocked on her door. MIL claims the two women attacked her, "Lucy" claims MIL punched her sister and her sister pushed her back. There were big bruises on my MIL so something definitely happened.

MIL went to live with DH's aunties about 100 miles away from her home for the duration of the late 2020/early 2021 lockdown. DH and I installed a Ring camera so she could be assured her property was safe. According to the aunts she was behaving normally and didn't seem paranoid whilst she was there, but when she moved back into her home (around April 2021) she started to claim even more strange and outlandish things about her neighbours.

She started alleging that whilst she'd been living with DH's aunts, most notably that "Andy" had knocked a hole in the wall in the attic space and was coming into her home unseen. She paid thousands to have her wall soundproofed, but the complaints about the noise the neighbours were allegedly making didn't reduce. She started to say "Andy" was going to kill her and she would have to kill him first.

They have since moved out of the house thanks to MIL's behaviour and are trying to sell.

Even though "Andy and Lucy" no longer live there, MIL's delusions have not stopped and are escalating. First she started phoning the police accusing "Andy" of domestic violence towards his wife- after they had moved out of the house.

She has now progressed to saying "Andy" is repeatedly breaking into the house, injecting her with drugs and raping her. She calls the police regularly and has told the police this. The police (who are aware of what has been going on since at least December 2020) tell her she should go to her doctor about it; the GP tells her to speak to the police.

MIL had a brain scan at the end of last year at the encouragement of her sisters, but it didn't show any signs she has dementia. She also had a blood test and has a urine test to rule out drugs or a UTI. Her bloods came back with a folic acid deficiency so she's been prescribed that. She is also on an anti-depressant (Citalopram) and some medication for high blood pressure.

My SIL is trying to help but MIL is refusing to consider any possibility other than the man next door is absolute evil- she will not accept any suggestion that the issue is her own mental health. The police tell MIL to go to her GP and the GP keep referring her back to the police.

DH and I don't know what to do. DH is spending the night at his mum's to see if she sleepwalks or behaves strangely at night, and to hopefully make her feel a bit safer in her own home.

We don't have any power of attorney because MIL won't sign the paperwork. We live about 30 mins away by car and DH can't drive. We also have two young children and both of us work full time. SIL lives closer to MIL, also has a young child and it is only a matter of time before MIL is vile to her again and she cuts off contact for the sake of her own sanity. MIL has stopped talking to her sisters because they challenged her on the stories she was telling them. We desperately want her to be assessed properly by the mental health services and re-checked for dementia.

The neighbours have now reported her to the police for harassment (which I completely understand). I've met them and they seem like a really normal, pleasant couple who just want a quiet life. They are really afraid that they won't be able to sell their house because of MIL constantly calling the police.

I don't really know what I am asking for here. Advice? Support? Any suggestions as to what the cause of the delusions and hallucinations could be? The situation is incredibly stressful for everyone and I am worried she is going to do something dangerous, either to herself or someone else, if she doesn't get the right help soon.

Blimey. I think the GP needs to do more as it clearly is paranoid delusions, even if they can't find the cause.

I'd suggest phoning her GP and asking to speak to them about your concerns.

It seems as if the GP is under the impression that she doesn't have dementia, and she is telling them about a real police matter. When the real situation is that her neighbours are perfectly nice people and MIL is having delusions that Andy is breaking into her house each night to inject her with drugs and rape her.

You telling the GP that MIL's thoughts are not grounded in reality, plus MIL has prob not told the GP half of what she is really thinking, will likely move things on.

As others have said push for the GP to do more or Social Services and suggest an urgent mental health assessment. It is sounds like paranoid psychosis, in my non clinical opinion.

The GP are aware she has paranoid delusions- when she punched "Andy" I wrote a long email to the police and and contacted Social Services and had a long conversation with them where I explained what she has been telling us and what happened. SIL has also been in touch with the GP surgery recently and a locum GP read the email I sent to the police out to her- so they are definitely aware. Another problem is that she doesn't like her regular GP (he's Indian and she's racist).

If you spoke to MIL, you would not tell for a second there was anything the matter with her unless it got onto the subject of the neighbours.

I don't know if this is very fair, but I winder if part of her subconsciously knows this is all a fantasy, as she keeps self sabotaging things that would help her (like the noise diary) or ignoring/ forgetting things that don't fit her version of events (the fact there is no hole or evidence there was ever a hole in her attic has been verified by a builder, DH, me and the police). She also behaves inconsistently towards "Andy" when they cross paths. She says she is scared of him but when he returns to his house to do repairs or pick up the post she will yell at him or attempt to goad him into a reaction by swearing at him.

Raise a safeguarding concern with her GP and copy in adult social services in her area. Explain by email what you have said here and that she needs to be seen by them. They have to respond, even if it's only to invite her for blood tests but can then take a proper look. She could be taking her medication incorrectly etc.

I'm sorry, I have no advice, but I wanted to say that it sounds bloody awful and I wish you luck getting her the help she so obviously needs.

Low B12 can cause cognitive/psychiatric issues. Seems odd she would be "fine" somewhere else though. Have you googled things like psychosis? Does she have history of other mental health issues? All sorts of things can cause paranoia/delusions but again wierd to be so focused on one thing.

Not much you can practically do. Police likely flagged to GP. The question is basically does someone try and forcibly assess her. That only happens when there is a serious risk to her or others. Questions I would have, is she distressed? Is she sleeping? Is she eating? Does she look after her personal care? Is she spending so much time and money on this she isn't paying her bills? Do you think she'll actually try to hurt Andy? Is she damaging property?

Andy and family need to just keep going down appropriate channels, police, council (for noise and anti social behaviour), solicitor. The more they do this, the more it'll get flagged to GP and mental health services.

You probably can't solve this and it's not your responsibility. But keep in touch and listening to what is happening, keep a diary, be prepared to call police/111 in a crisis, keep talking to your SIL. Focus on what the risks are, who is going to get hurt and how if talking to police, GP, social workers etc. Let yourself have a break when you need it. It could get worse before it gets better.

I would say don't raise a safeguarding because that is when someone is being abused by someone else, however if you do you might get some advice from a social worker. You do it by calling the council and asking to speak to adult safeguarding.

First thing that came to my mind was Lewy-body dementia. You might what to read up on that, see if it fits what you are seeing with your MIL.

I have similar problems with my mother. She had delusions, and thinks the neighbors have it in for her and are listening through the walls to her. She also makes up grandiose stories. I wonder if it's schizophrenia.

I once had a colleague like this. Seemed totally normal except he'd make claims that his neighbours were breaking into his house, knocking down walls, running about in the roof. It took a while to work out it couldn't be true. I think it is a known symptom or manifestation of a mental health condition, schizophrenia possibly? It is not unique to your mil. Keep pushing for a referral to mental health services.

We had a similar situation with my MIL, who was also able to present as relatively ok in most situations but had paranoid delusions that she was being followed and watched by everyone, mainly the police. She needs to be assessed by the mental health team somehow, she really doesn't sound well and I don't think citalopram is necessarily going to 'cut it'. I don't understand why she is being pushed between her Gp and the police. I wish you all the best. Also I would advise you to write stuff down and make sure you stay rooted in what is and isn't real, as the lines are currently so blurred for her.

The split between the GP and the police is infuriating. I wonder if your MIL is absolutely refusing to be referred for a psychiatric assessment though.

What I would say is - try to let go of any conxern for the neighbours as such, they are grown adults and will have to take care of themselves.

I would write to her GP again. Just briefly - say your MIL appears to be at risk because of paranoid delusions about the neighbours which are causing her to behave in ways that might cause retaliation.

Have you talked to other neighbours to see if Andy and his family were known trouble causers? If she’s fine elsewhere then dementia / paranoid delusions are unlikely.

We have had similar with a relative who has diagnosed schizophrenia. I don’t know what the answer is and you find it please let me know! I find the drs can’t talk to you (due to confidentiality) and just say to ask them to make an appt. However, that isn’t going to happen as the very nature of the condition is that they believe their thoughts and distrust other people. Even if I could get them in, they wouldn’t reveal what they’re really thinking. And so we plod on just hoping the crisis doesn’t escalate…

Yes that has just reminded me, she believed wholeheartedly in what she believed, and also in her own intelligence for 'catching out' those who were following her (,going up to complete strangers and telling them she knew they were doing). This is why you can't wait until she asks for help, because she never will. She is fearful and mistrustful and can't reach out. In our case things needed to escalate in order to access help.

@Ozanj we have no evidence of the neighbours being troublemakers at all. My MIL has been unpleasant to other people who live on her street and also accused them of things they haven’t done (she accused a very elderly neighbour across the road of stealing her boyfriend, for example). The stuff she is accusing “Andy” of is simply impossible unless he’s Count Dracula.

I don't know what the answer is, my mother won't go to doctors as thinks there's nothing wrong with her, she can't see that medication could possibly give her a much better quality of life, meanwhile she continues with her paranoid delusions, grandiose stories etc, has isolated herself socially etc. If I suggest she is not well in the head and needs help it doesn't go down well at all.