This will be a long one so thank you if you make it to the end!
As a bit of background I had an abusive childhood that I never recovered from, counsellors over the years wouldn’t help me and said it was too severe and said I should go private blah blah blah. I made peace with it eventually but it has left me with mental health issues, depression and anxiety.
forward to the time I ‘escaped’ and met my DC dad. I wasn’t interested in him but he filled the gap I was missing from my childhood. I wanted to love him but it never happened, so we split after 3 children born close together as we just wasn’t a good fit and neither of us were happy.
I had/have an issue with physical intimacy even being touched in general, triggered by my childhood, so sex was for ttc and he couldn’t hack it and left me for a co worker.
I stayed single for 10 years trying to work on myself, working to provide and being the best mum I could be. Now my DC are teens and doing their own thing, I finally get a break every other weekend when they stay with their friends, dad or his mum. It made me realise I was lonely and missing someone being there to share life with. So I put myself back out there and met my current partner. Completely by accident as he wasn’t my type and I was focusing on a different man at the time, but we hit it off.
We got close and went through some very tough times together, eventually started a relationship after 9 months of talking.
We never had that ‘honeymoon phase’ or the strong passion/ active sex life of an average couple. After 12 years of no sex I wanted to come out of my shell and live life properly. I never got the chance to fall in love, get married, have a satisfying sex life or chemistry with anyone. So again I feel cheated and like I don’t deserve happiness like my parents always said.
I know I’m probably being unrealistic in my expectations as I have nothing to compare to, but that head over heels in love feeling never came. It’s like spending time with a friend.
We have a great relationship, lots in common, same sense of humour, I do love him and see a future with him but I want to feel wanted by a man who loves me and makes me feel special. We have occasional dates, depending on money as we’re both in debt, but I worry we don’t have the spark or chemistry that’s needed to progress a relationship.
I have told him all this and he says it will come naturally in time. We’ve been official for 7 months so it’s strange to me I still don’t feel that towards him.
I can’t fault him as a person, I have met his family and everything has slotted together perfectly, but emotionally I’m confused. My life has improved since he’s been in it and I couldn’t leave him, but this isn’t what I thought a relationship would be like.
When I see him I’m happy and we have a good time, when he leaves I feel deflated and cry for a few days (we see each other twice a week max), I feel disappointed that it didn’t feel how I wanted it to or didn’t have sex, then feel relieved at the space until he comes back. If he stays for a weekend I feel irritated by Sunday evening as I’m so used to being alone I feel suffocated having another adult around me.
We’ve spoken about living together next year, then marriage and possibly a baby, and while they sound lovely I’m not sure if it will happen. There’s a niggling feeling we won’t last even though I want us to. And I know it’s me not him as this happened with DC dad except it was me not wanting sex or intimacy that time. It was a hard thing for me to do as I’ve never wanted anyone to touch me so I feel rejected that he never wants that too.
I’m not a happy person, I find faults in everything and everyone, generally negative and wonder why I’m even here knowing I’ll eventually die with these same feelings and nothing to look back on with pride except my DC.
I don’t have spare money these days, it all goes on food and bills so I feel awfully guilty my DC rarely get treats anymore. I’m constantly trying to better myself but it goes wrong each and every time. For example I applied for a job within the nhs recently to improve my financial issues and no one turned up for the interview.
I know I’ve rambled and turned it more into a rant, but I have no family and the friends I do have I don’t like to burden them as they’re in worse positions than me.
I’ve considered if I may be on the spectrum or possibility bipolar or similar, as my feelings go from hot to cold daily. One day I’ll be fine then without warning I’ll feel down and cry for hours.
Separate from the depression, this has all come on since Covid and was never part of the depression beforehand. I should be happy I have a great partner who is always there for me, he brings me flowers when I feel down and treats me to my favourite take away, but all I focus on is that he’s shit in bed over the fact he’s gone to the effort to cheer me up. I have wonderful DC, a roof over my head, despite being penniless we never go hungry but still I’m never happy and feel like sometimes I sulk that life isn’t how I want it. I feel selfish for wanting the typical life of being a happy partner/wife with DC, a nice home, good job and enjoy life because whenever I try for that life it falls apart.
How do I change that? I see women holding hands with their partner having a lovely time and wonder why I can’t feel that happiness, I see families having a meal together and hate myself that my DC can’t experience that, I see people leaving their well paid jobs they worked hard to get and wonder why I was dealt such a bad hand in life that I never got to do that when I was young. What’s wrong with me? I just want to smile and be grateful for what I’m fortunate enough to have, but I want to be happy because I’ve finally turned those thoughts into real life.