Does anyone feel haunted when they think back to their initial breakdown?
2019 was the one. Husband , daughter and I moved home quickly due to a family dispute which left us in bits. (We lived with MIL hoping to buy her home)
Then i felt out with my dad, because my sister mentioned how our childhood was and he to this day denied it & we knew we couldn't have a relationship with him.
And then a few months after that i had a misscarraige on my 30th birthday. After years of secondary infertility.
Downhill from there... my behaviour and mental health so bad, OCD became a living hell. Coping with infertility was too much to handle. I convinced myself i was pregnant some months later not knowing i was actually very poorly (later diagnosed with pregnancy ocd) i worked on a maternity ward, nurse did my bloods because i was all "im pregnant im sure!"
Of course it came back negative. I remember being in denial, crumbling to the floor in the middle of labour ward of all places and feeling absolute grief. I drove myself home and it was about a 30 min drive. I screamed... really screamed so much of that drive away. I cried, i punched my stomach, i was shouting at myself and i was speeding hoping to just hit something and die. That was the start of my breakdown, my big fat painful breakdown . And though i am so much better now, medicated, had cbt, different life, now home new town.... im sat here thinking about that drive because i am having the same symptoms i had that made me think i was pregnant that time.
It is painful, isn't it? Its almost like watching myself go through that drive and i can feel the pain of that woman even now. Not a soul knows how painful that was. I guess its like flashbacks? Idk
Im thankful if you read this.