This is just a self pity post, apologies... just want to vent I guess... as I don't really have anyone to talk to.
I feel like I try so hard to keep myself in a good place. I run/exercise. I try to eat healthily. I've stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine. I try to have a schedule/routine. I go to bed early to get enough sleep. I've had therapy. I accept happiness is not a permanent state. And there will be sad/bad times that will come and go....
I feel like I try so hard and yet there I am hiding in the bathroom, crying, for no reason. I feel sad. Really, really sad. Feeling like my lifes awful but I know it's not. I feel like nobody cares about me. Again, I know that's technically not true. But I want someone to give me a cuddle, tell me it's ok. But there is nobody. Maybe it's all because I'm lonely. I have 'friends' but not anyone I can talk to about my feelings/mental health. I always keep people at a distance, put a smile on my face, they have no idea. Im not close with family. I really wanted to hide in bed and cry all day, but I cant, I have to parent. I feel like a failure to my kids.
I know tomorrow is a new day... but I get scared I will still feel this way and it will escalate. I just want to be normal. Experience life without my crazy extreme emotions and anxiety. I really do try so hard to be ok. But I feel like im constantly fighting it. And it really really sucks that even then, on days like today, its not enough.