What is wrong with me or is this normal? Its a long one ....... sorry!

[Willowwisp]

Hi

I'm 38 first time mum of a 19 week old baby girl who is an angel baby, she hardly cries, sleeps 12 hours and is an absolute delight in the day, so why am I feeling so fed up?

Cutting a long story short, we had 3 cycles of IVF to get our daughter, including one miscarriage, I had an awful pregnancy with terrible morning sickness and SPD. I had this plan where I would have a wonderful water birth and I would be a natural breast feeder and none of this happened. I had a C section because she was oblique and it was recommended, I was quite poorly and was in hospital for five days in all, she did BF for two days, then on the third I ended up with shredded nipples and topped her up, I didn't know any better! Although the midwives were lovely, they just didn't have the time to spend with me to get BF established properly, we came home and things got worse she arched her back when I fed her, screamed and refused to feed, the rejection I felt was terrible. We had three weeks of this where I BF and FF until my supply was so reduced and I couldn't fill her up, I felt pressured into going over to FF and have regretted it ever since.

I torture myself daily going over and over in my mind if I did the right thing, did I try hard enough, was it my fault she didn't want me, I could cry at the drop of a hat about it all. My hubby has told me he thinks I will take this to my grave if I don't stop and move on, easy for him to say.

We waited five long years to get our daughter and went through alot and I had this picture in mind of the birth and afterwards with the BF'ing and it hasn't turned out like that, I'm sure there are people out there without babies or going through IVF who think I should be grateful I've got my baby (believe me I am) but I feel so sad?

I'm also worrying about ridiculous things? I worry something horrible is going to happen to her, I worry I'm a crap mum. I'm obsessed with keeping my house immaculate and having her turned out immaculate to, I lay in bed at night turning the BF thing over and over in my mind so I don't drop off until about 3am, am I going mad or is this normal?

My SIL has just had a baby and of course is breast feeding well, I feel SO jealous of her, why could she do it and I couldn't (god I'm crying now), she had wonderful pregnancy, I can't bear to speak to her on the phone and it tortures me to sit in the same room as her (thankfully she lives miles away) She has support from both sets of grandparents as my hubbies moved to be near them when they announced their pregnancy (another sore point with me), my parents live 300 miles away so I feel I can't call on them to come round and help?

Someone tell me that its normal to feel like this after having a baby, this is such a long winging post so I'm sorry if I've bored you stupid but it feels so much better to share.

Willow

Hi sweetheart i just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way x
I am mum to a gorgeous baby girl after years of trying and a miscarriage but a few weeks ago I nearly drove my car into a wall I felt so low and alone.
It sounds very much to me like PND as your symptoms were so like mine and every other poster on mumsnet who has been through this.
Thinking bad things are going to happen and the obsessive cleaning are classic signs.
Thing is if you are worried about being a crap mum it seems that you are concerned about wanting to do your best which points towards the fact that you are a good mum.
Are you pushing people away who could help you like I know I do?!

Sounds to me like you are just adjusting to being a first time mum and realising its harder than the image you had in your head for all those years.

Life is never like you imagine it to be when you plan stuff in your head and having a baby is definitely not like you imagine it would be but there are so many wonderful times ahead. The early days are tough - I found them difficult too - think we all do really but tbh this stage does not last for long.

Two bits of advice I would give is NEVER compare yourself with other mums - totally pointless and NEVER not allow yourself to have a moan because there are others who are worse off - its all relative and as a new mum you need to vent occassionally.

Regarding the breastfeeding - stop beating yourself up about it - it does not mean you love your child any more or less depending on how you choose to feed them.

Your DD sounds like she is very happy and you are therefore doing a great job - give yourself a break!

By the way I was v neurotic after DD was born and obsessed with germs etc for a few months afterwards - just wait till she gets to the putting everything in her mouth stage - you will soon get over that!

Good luck.

You poor thing. I felt the same, it had also taken me a long time to get my ds (a miscarriage and then the discovery that my next baby had a terminal illness at five months gestation) that when I found it so hard to be happy and to love my ds I felt terribly guilty. BF was a nightmare, too.

I think you need to talk to your hv or doctor tbh. It could be pnd.

Keep posting

willowwisp, i think all what you are feeling is understandable. The pressure for everything to be perfect, this after all is all you ever wanted, right? Its bloody tough being a mum, without all that added pressure. I do agree with the others as it does sound to me, as i have experienced this, that you have PND. Please go to the doctor as they CAN help. It might mean that you need some medication for a while, it might not.

As for the BF, i am amazed you carried on for the time you did. I am sorry that you didnt get to do the BF for as long as you wanted, but you had to make the decision about what was right for your baby. She most certainly wasnt rejecting you, i bet you are the centre of her little world and she already loves you.

Take yourself along to your GP, do please post more on here, lots of us have been where you are, dont do what i did and struggle on for two years on
my own.

You ARE doing really well, your DP sounds really understanding, but it is so easy to say stop worrying when you have anxiety problems, you sound very much like i was/am. I find that a mild AD helps me put things in perspective. You have been through so much physically, is there any wonder your hormones are a bit off kilter just now?? This is not your fault, but you can do things to help sort it.

Good luck, i wish you well

I also think that talking through your feeling about bf would be helpful. Well meaning people will tell you that it doesn't matter if you formula feed, and this IS true - but it doesn't acknowledge YOUR feelings on the issue. I found it helpful to talk about and acknowledge my unhappy feelings about my failures regarding bf. Then I could move on and gain the sense of perspective that everyone was urging on me!

willow i've been there! so much of what you have said is jsut like my story. i too had very grand ideas of keeping the house immaculate and never letting anyone know i was struggling. my daughter slept most of the day and hardly at all at night for the first few months so that was very tough. i found it very hard to admit i was feeling that way. i also had many problems with bf- struggled for many weeks and had to see a bfc, but my dd also did htat back arching thing and made me feel my nipples would drop off.

i also used to torture myself into the small hours about how if only the birth had gone to plan and i hadn't been so exhausted taht i let the midwife talk me into giving her a bottle for her first feed etc etc. i don't want to worry you unnecessarily but for me, these things eventually progressed into postnatal depression because i was far too afraid to let the midwife and later the health visitor know how i was really feeling at the time. i'm not saying the same thing will happen to you so please don't take this the wrong way, but please do talk to these professionals about how you're feeling anyway. accept any help you are offered from friends, family, or any other sources, don't bottle it up, and please remember that you are doing amazingly and that it's still very early days.

♥ Good wishes to you- been feeling a but down then got my period.... could it be hormones?

You wont feel this way forever xXx