I (F32) have been off work for over 26 months due to an accident , surgeries to fix my injury failing and currently awaiting surgery making me unable to do my job. My surgeries kept getting postponed due to Covid and they have informed me now it could be a further 3 months due to a backlog. I live in constant pain and have limited mobilty.
I have said throughout this ordeal that I want to go back to my career when i'm fixed but I'm beginning to think that is no longer an option and that I may have to settle for a less physical role (I will have no choice but to change my career for this)
I had been lucky enough to skate by on Goverment Sick pay and furlough and holidays and using credit cards with no interest rate to live but now all that has come to an end and now I feel like I am drowning. My dh is supporting me financially but I have never had to rely on anyone this way and I feel like a failure to put upon him like this. I dont ever let on to him how I'm truly feeling because I feel I am heaping enough onto him as it is. He works such long hours - he always has , even before our current predicament and with my sick pay coming to an end I will be having to lean on him further to exist.
It's been a tough journey to say the very least but I feel like I'm at an all time low. I used to have a busy and fulfilling life, I used to work full time , socialise etc but now I feel I have nothing like that . I honestly struggle to get out of bed most days, but I get up to maintain the facade with my dh. It's getting so bad that I cant even seem to face my basic jobs around our home which in turn makes me feel even more guilty that he is going out and providing for us and I can't even manage to keep on top of our home. I feel like such a drain on him and that he deserves better.
I have tried everything to keep pro active and productive, using schedules to give my life a bit more purpose and structure my days but the solutions don't last long and I always revert back to being unmotivated at best. I have tried taking it day by day and trying to listen to myself and accept that some days are not 'doing days' but I honestly feel at this point just existing is getting harder and harder for me.
I have tried exercising regularly - to the extent I am able but as the common theme in this thread suggests it never lasts long and I become unmotivated. I have also tried guided meditation. Reading , bingeing TV box sets, baking and sewing to keep my mind off everything.
I have tried keeping a positive mental attitude, reminding myself that so many people have it worse than I do and seeing all this 'downtime' as a blessing rather than a curse but I find it so hard to keep up and quite frankly exhausting!
I feel as though my whole life has just stopped and I honestly can't see past this. I want so much from life , to move out of our rented flat ( we have a lot of problems with it) , children and just to live my life in general free of pain and limitations of my injury, but it's been so long I have forgotten how that feels as well as a slight possibility that i will be stuck this way forever.
I used to have a close childhood friend who lived just a few doors away from me and I would go to visit her all the time when she wasn't at work and just chat or go for a drive in the car. This at least gave me a break from being alone all the time but she moved out of the country with her partner recently .I couldn't be happier for her but I miss her terribly. We keep in contact via phone etc daily but I still miss the company .My other friends are all busy with their lives, work and children (inevitable when growing older!)and I wouldn't want to bother them with any of this either.
I do speak to my dh about this on occasion but I feel like its getting repetitive for him, So I just sweep it under the carpet as with my friends and my parents.
If you have read this far thank you for your time! I just feel so hopeless and would love some suggestions on how to get my life back on track. Thanks in advance.