Mental illness has destroyed my life

[ladylalatub]

If it wasn't for my DS, I'd kill myself. I dropped out of Oxford University because my mental health got so bad I couldn't focus on the work and I got bullied while I was there. Noone wants to be my friend. People who I thought were my friends have stopped contact with me after my psychotic episodes resulted in me sending them rambling emails. I've never had a proper relationship. My DS doesn't live with me because my mental health has been so bad in the past where I've been suicidal several times. I am so lonely all the time. I just go to work in retail and come back and that's it. I have no established career and people my age (30) are doing their PHDs- something my mother brings up. Day to day I have nobody. Due to being prescribed an array of antidepressants and antipsychotics, I've put on so much weight over the years that I'm now morbidly obese. I know life could be worse, but nothing seems to get better and my life is just miserable and incredibly lonely.

I also don't know what my actual psychiatric problems are for sure. One psychiatrist briefly suggested Complex PTSD. When I went for an assessment for the court proceedings for my DS, the psychiatrist suggested Borderline Personality Disorder with Complex PTSD. Then after my psychosis/hearing voices got intensely bad, another doctor suggested I have Paranoid Schizophrenia. It's all just a mess.

Didn't want to read and run. Fellow Oxfordian here--stuck it out to finals, but didn't do well and have never worked in a 'graduate job '. Only realised several spells of severe depression later that my mental health had undermined me....probably most of my life. I know it may not seem like it, but the one advantage you have is youth. 30 is really no age, in terms of your ability to start again once you get a proper diagnosis and the right treatment. Good luck!

What kind of support are you getting? Any at all? I know that services can vary hugely by area?
Have you done any therapy? In my eyes, CBT doesn't count.

Also in my eyes Pyschiatry is guess work, it will improve in the next 20-30 years but for now it's a matter of four drs and five different opinions.

Hang in there OP. Firstly, well done for reaching out. Writing these raw thoughts down and trying to make sense of it all. I am sending my best vibes to you. You are not alone and your issues are not insurmountable. You will find some strength soon and begin to make progress. Love to you 💐

You've clearly endured some crap in your life and somehow got this far. That's hard enough, but you have also had a child in obviously difficult circumstances. That must have been really tough and distressing for you and you feel you'd have killed yourself if it wasn't for being a parent. To be honest I'd say that's a huge achievement and an example of real sacrificial love. Life feels rock bottom for you but you are hanging in here because of your child. That means a whole lot more than an Oxford degree or a fancy job or a PhD that you'd have aced if your mental health wasn't weighing you down. And screw being obese, your size has no bearing on your value or wonderfulness as a human being. The comment about your mother sounds telling,like there's a lot a history there where she has contributed unhelpful things to your life.

I'm sorry that everything feels so insurmountable. Don't give up though, ways through this do exist and are worth fighting for.

What do you find interesting in life when you have the energy to find things interesting? I find music and drawing/painting very helpful to get me through the darkest times. They seem to find meaning and comfort in ways that aren't always perceptible in other places (and to be honest my faith gets me through too, but i know that's not for everyone).

Reading back my words I'm tempted to delete as it all sounds schmaltzy and cliche and doesn't do justice to your situation, but I don't want to say nothing either. Sending you a hug.

I'm not currently receiving any support. In the past, I've been referred to the AMHT in my area but they just offered very basic CBT techniques or the day visits at the local psychiatric hospital. No actual therapy was offered in the long term and I can't afford private sessions. In the past, I've had psychotherapy but it was me just talking about my past and my dysfunctional family, which I found triggering and not helpful.

@TheWordOfBagheera- Please don't delete. Yes you are right about my mother. She's constantly commenting about my weight and saying that by 35 I should have a career otherwise it's over for me. She also said she wished I'd died when I was 13 and attempted suicide. That's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her behaviour.

Gosh that sounds horrendous. Is your mum someone who you need to have in your life right now? It's so hard to move forward when you keep getting pulled under by the things (people) who contributed to your trauma in the first place. Or is she involved in caring for your son? I can see that would make things very complicated.

Interesting the idea that by 35 you should have a career or it's over by then. I wonder what 'it' is?! A career or your whole life? There is a certain propensity in some circles to only value the academic/workplace achievements of a person and not just see a 'career' as part of life's fluff that someone may or may not go for. It's particularly hard when you come from or mix in those circles but took a different path, I can definitely empathise.

I don't know enough about the different mental health help available to advise at all but it rooting for you. Keep looking. I happen to have started listening to this 8 part series on CPTSD so I'm going to put the link here in case you're interested. I found it really quite good but have nothing to compare it to so it could easily not be!

I read somewhere that parents are not the best at advising their dc career wise and we often know better ourselves what our abilities are.
Ignore your dm’s remarks. My dm is just the same.
Saying she wished you’d died is shocking. You have as much value in life as anyone else.
Your weight is only an issue for you if want to change it.

Do you see your ds much?

Have you considered keeping a diary? Would it help you to write down how you’re feeling? You’ve made a start here.
Good luck. Every walk begins with that first step.

@TheWordOfBagheera She doesn't have anything to do with my DS's care which is fortunate, because I don't want him as messed up as I am. However, due to my ongoing mental health issues I feel like a ticking time bomb and don't want DS affected.

@Riseholme I would like to lose some weight, but I feel so self conscious about my size and being stared at or vilified at the gym. I don't get to see DS much because I can't afford the journey there that much, but will have him for a week during Easter. I have kept a diary in the past and used to write a lot, but I feel like the antipsychotic I'm on (aripiprazole) has taken away my ability to write and I'm also so tired when I come back from work.

Hugs handhold I’d go back to the top see if you can change the meds, writing is important to you and to feel you’ve lost that is more than enough on top of everything else/ your mother is a heartless cow toxic parents they are evil, enjoy what time you have with ds.

Are you on any medication for your depression? That would be my first step, there is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for it. Like you I have suffered for many years with severe depression, I have been on medication since I was 17, I've had a lot of CBT, seen a psychologist & it is still there. I was diagnosed with CPTSD after my husband raped me as our marriage was ending & with Autism two years ago. Have you ever considered asking for an autism assessment? A lot of what I have always thought was part of my depression & CPTSD was actually from the fact I am autistic, just having a name put to it has helped a lot & knowing I wasn't going mad.

No wonder you have mh problems when you have such a toxic mother

It's not you.

Your Mum has ripped your emotional/mental well being to shreds OP. What mother would ever say to a child 'I wish you had died'...and that was the tip of the iceberg. Bloody hell. You need to get distance from her. And I appreciate that you found therapy triggering but unfortunately you need to sit with the trigger. It is the only way through. Sorry. I wish it wasn't the case but we have to find a way to live with our wounds, if we don't face them they keep rearing up in other ways and we start acting out with other behaviours. You need to confront your past otherwise you will continue to sabotage your present. I know therapy is expensive, I wish it wasn't...is there any other way you could access any type tho? I hope you can find a way. You deserve so much more than this.

Oh OP, that really is a shit situation you're in. I can relate to the dysfunctional family, although not to the degree of your mother's comments (mine was merely mostly emotionally unavailable). Have you had a look at the Stately Homes threads? If nothing else, the mass of people's experiences on there shows you're not alone.
You may not feel able to cut off contact altogether, but if you're able to a start would be to pre-empt the negative lines of 'conversation' by naming the things you don't want her to bring up when you next talk. Possibly write them down, so you have them there as a reminder if she starts to drift that way. "Going over this is really not helpful to me right now." If she insists on some kind of 'right' to do so, put the phone away from youor walk out of the roomeven if you don't hang up or walk out altogether. Have something to 'reward' yourself with after for your bravery--even if it's doing something mindless and trashy.

On a few other things you've mentioned:

• life over if you don't have a career by 35. Today is better than tomorrow, but tomorrow is still better than thinking it's too late and then years down the line regretting. That's where I am at 48. In reality, yes, there are some careers you're unlikely to start at 35, and it's true that some industries seem to go only for sparky outgoing young graduates. But I suspect those industries are ones you probably wouldn't feel comfortable in anyway, and there are plenty more possibilities for careers where that's not the case. In my case I wasted years afraid to move in case things didn't work out or I turned out not to enjoy what I'd gone into. A career you start on at whatever point doesn't have to be guaranteed to be what you'll be doing for the rest of your life--it counts as a success if you've given it a go.

• The care you've received sounds rubbish. Unfortunately care on the NHS seems to go to those who are either lucky or able to advocate for themselvesand a psych condition makes the latter difficult, even leaving aside self-esteem issues. From your 2nd post, it sounds like you were treated as an object to be discussed rather than someone to be actively involved. I think getting an actual diagnosis, that you are engaged in, is important here. You may need to start from the beginning again with your GP, reinforce that you want to get to grips with your condition and ask to be referred directly to a psychiatrist. I happen to live near the Maudsley (and had an aunt who went there on occasion), and have a sense that this is one of the 'top' places in terms of expertiseif you're within striking distance of London, you could ask to be referred there.

It's also become clear to me in the last few weeks that the possibilities for treatment are expanding - it's no longer just drugs and talking therapy. There's an expanding field of neuromodulation therapy, which seems to help people whose condition has resisted other forms of treatment. At least some of these are in the NICE guidelines. Again, this is something that an expert in the fieldnot your GPwould be able to talk you through.

• No-one can tell you things to make you feel better, but IME there are things that draw me like a flame but make me feel like shit after. Looking up people I've known in the past on LinkedIn etc and seeing how much better they've got on in lifeas my colleague wisely pointed out, "individual circumstances aren't something to be ignored". The ongoing chatter of social media bolloxTwitter etc., who said what where--draining trivia. Nature documentaries do put a kind of perspective on the minutiae of human life, when modern life seems to be rushing past you.

Also see if you can spot a chance to help someone every now and then, even in the smallest way. Even something as small as helping someone with a buggy off a train, or letting them know something you've learned from experience that's relevant to a problem they're having. Most people want to feel useful at some level--certainly for me, even if temporarily I get a bit of a lift, despite struggling my whole life with 'peopling'.

@Nat6999 I've tried antidepressants before, but the side effects have made things worse in the long run. About 12 years ago, I was prescribed citalopram, but that gave me sleeping problems. Then I was prescribed mirtazapine, but that made me tired all the time and I put on a lot of weight. I tried fluoxetine, but that made me feel really wired. Then I was on sertraline for a few years then came off it. Then three years ago when my psychosis (hearing voices) got really bad, I was prescribed olanzapine combined with paroxetine but I put on loads of weight to the point I'm at now where I'm morbidly obese. Last year, I changed to just the antipsychotic aripiprazole to stop gaining weight and came off the paroxetine.

Can you ask your GP for referral back to AMHT? I've bounced backwards and forwards from them for years and found them quite useful. I attended the day hospital for awhile and did courses on anxiety and how to handle strong emotions that at the time I thought were useless but now I find myself using some of the strategies they taught. You might also benefit from a meds review. I take aripiprazole but find it's not enough on it's own to keep my stable so I take lamotragine alongside it which seems to be working for me.

Go to your GP. Tell than that you are not coping and you need an urgent referral to the psychiatric team.
I've had two 16 sessions of analytical therapy.
Because I shouted and was upset and clearly in need of help.
TBH they didn't help a huge amount but you are clearly suffering and at least deserve the chance of accessing those kind of services.
In your shoes I would probably keep a diary for a week or two, marking all the interactions and days when you have been struggling immensely and give it to the GP to read. .
Also regarding medication, I have been on four different kinds of anti depressants and one kind of antipsychotic. Loved the quetiapine, sleep every night no problem and lack of sleep is what often triggers me.
Sadly had to come off it as it was fucking my voice up. Only took six go appts and five consultants to figure that out. Could have stayed on it and had Botox injections to help, but I chose to come off it instead.
Now on amitriptyline which helps most of the time but sometimes when I am highly stressed it doesn't help at all.
Everyone's brain and neural pathways are formed uniquely so what works for one person won't for another.
Persevere and fight to see the appropriate people
It won't be easy but that fight has to be better than what you are living through now
And you deserve help, anyone on your kind of situation does.
Please make. An emergency appt with your GP and outline what you have told us here.
Under NICE guidelines you have to be offered support for what you are going through.

Agree that getting to see the right person is crucial. I'm not familiar with all the meds you name, but suspect that many of them are '1st line' that a GP is prepared to prescribe. You sound as though you need more specialised help than that. Sometimes the older (and on paper, less safe) meds work where SSRIs etc. don't.