Help - I'm Reactive

[dogmumma]

Hello -

I've suffered quiet badly for about 4 years now with depression and on off anxiety. I am on 45mg of mitazapine and I take slow release propanol and I also see a therapist - although I'm not finding much benefit to it. (I've seen several over the years, this one is private)
I've noticed within myself, as i do believe I am quiet self aware of my issues. That I am very reactive - I'll give an example.

Our wedding day ended awfully due to family members behaviour, the fall out from it all completely shat all over our wedding bubble and the start to married life wasn't the best. - probably made slightly worse by my depression.

We never had a honeymoon, and we've spoke about booking a few city breaks for this year instead. Tonight, I went onto book our flights to one city, after waiting 2 weeks for my OH boss to agree annual leave. When I went onto book, I saw the price had increased quiet significantly.... making it virtually unaffordable now.

Now - I know most would see that, take it as what it is, maybe be a little miffed but move on.

I fall into a complete pit of wallowing, I sulk myself into tears, get in my own head, telling myself this is just my life, nothing goes right for me, and then I get shitty with my OH effectively blaming him...

After the fact, I absolutely recognise that I've caused that situation. That I caused myself to become more hurt by the situation by picking a fight...

BUT I am finding it so so difficult to regulate my emotions. I know it isn't rational. Yet, in that moment, I genuinely struggle to react any other way!! I

I find everyday stresses overbearing. I feel like I'm constantly moving at 1000 miles an hour. I feel like I get through the day in a blur.

My life is quiet stressful for a young adult. I don't have the life most my friends have.
My father is disabled, I'm the only family member who cares for him still, and it's bloody hard work!! I also work full time. Own my own home and am trying to be somewhat of a decent wife and start our own family. In fact, I actually put off the baby because I just couldn't take on a single other thing right now.

But how do I manage this? Does anyone else feel this way or experienced being over-reactive and found a way to manage it. I know one size doesn't fit all - but I'm open to options. Willing to try most things....

I feel like I'm ruining my own life being this way, and in turn making my OH miserable.
I can be like that for hours. Until I sit alone and think, you really did that again didn't you!!

If something goes wrong at work, the smallest thing, it ruins my whole day. I feel like I've become a little manic with my emotions, just incapable of regulating them!

Any help would be greatly appreciated - I've read about meditation - if I'm honest I don't feel like it's very me. And every time I've attempted to use it, I've had to give up because I'm just too wired to fully embrace it.

HELP

Bless you, you've got a lot going on, all hard enough without having depression on top of it all. It's good that you can see so clearly what you are doing, but please go easy on yourself. I would think about having a medication review with your GP.
I remember having CBT for depression and the cycle of making things worse by negative thoughts, and breaking the cycle, it was a long time ago now, but maybe your therapist could help with that?

Was your father the one who kicked off at the wedding?

OP, when you are overwhelmed by so many htings, it can help to tackle the practical ones.

Going away is a good idea. Take a break from it all. I suggest you clear your cookies on your computer or log onto DH's computer. You might find the prices have gone back down. They often raise prices if they know you have looked before and are genuinely interested in booking.

With meditation - give it a go. It's not something you pick up immediately any more than we pick up a dance routine on the first go, or a language. It takes practise.

Thank you for your responses.

I definitely know my issues, I'm just severely struggling to overcome them and in the process I'm wreaking my potential happiness. It seems whenever I get into the correct mind frame, something side swipes me again and again... I feel like it's just constant. I long for calm and peace more than anything. But I feel like there is just constant chaos.
I've done CBT, I didn't really notice a change. I'm in private therapy now, and although it feels nice to talk, I don't feel like it's really resolving my issues? And I've tried several different meds now - I've felt the most settled and with minimal side effects from the mitazipane, so I am reluctant to change again, especially because if I do and it isn't working out, getting into to see/speak to a GP is near on impossible these days.

• No it wasn't my father who created the drama at the wedding. It was my OH family and one extended member of mine (separate instances). Why?

I just want to break this reactive cycle I'm in. After every time I know I'm self sabotaging my happiness at home, but yet can't stop it. And once I start, if I get a response that doesn't sit right with me, I'll go on and on and on. It drives me insane that I do this to both myself and my OH. It's not fair. Of course, I do always apologise but I recognise that must be running thin with him. - and frankly I can't blame him - when I'm like that, I can be awful. I've googled and googled. I can't seem to pinpoint anything that I think, yes, that's the path!