I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant. Me and my partners relationship has always been up and down. But we always came out of the bad times into the good. I loved him dearly and im sure he loved me also, we have been through so much in such a short space of time.
He suffered with mood swings and has since I have known him, up and down. We split up for a short while due to us both being very insecure (back then I was not perfect) I drank alot, was very paraniod, insecure which made things toxic but then we got back together. Pretty soon after we found out I was pregnant. Things changed drastically of course. No more drinking so I seen things alot more clearer. Things was really good for a while. He was happy/scared, I was happy but unsure and worried. We decided to keep the baby although I got diagnosed with pre natal depression a little after wards which made me doubt things alot. He was very supportive.
He started with his old tricks. Going to the pub, not returning home till stupid hours, forgetting his key and banging us up (bare it in mind, I have a 4 year old at home and my neighbours kept txting complaning) , ignoring my msgs and phone calls whilst he was out or say he'd be on the way home and he wasn't and this was pretty much every weekend, spending all his money, Lieng to me about where he'd been, swore blind he not touched any drugs, then he'd spend all day in bed. Which of course, caused arguments and things was said which we didn't mean. Even Christmas eve, he never come home when he said he was and returned home at a ridiclous time pissed as a fart and clearly under the influence. We was up and down constantly. It was vicious circles. I loved him dearly and did not want to let him go. I was promised the world, sweet talked, he admitted he was wrong and then the same happened again. Things would be great then the same would happen. No remorse, no nothing. No matter how much I begged and pleaded or upset I was. I just wanted his attention and love and like i was a priority, That we was a priority. So many times we was on the Brink of separation but he would always know what to say and I couldn't give up on him when it came to it.
The drinking just got worse, he accused me of being controlling as he felt like he had to ask for permission to go to the pub with his friends. I didn't care about him seeing his friends. Just be home when you said your going to be home, and keep me updated so im not worrying and be sensible with your money. Is that alot to ask for? I know he sacrificed alot moving over with us. Its around 20 minutes away drive (although he commuted 1.5 hours there and back everyday on bus) from his family and friends but he still worked in that area and seen them after work, or sometimes at weekends.
He started shaking, being sick alot, having diarrhoea, and very bad mood swings. I told him I was worried about his drinking but he always dismissed it or said he was ill or it was stress. He went to the doctors a few weeks before- whether he told them everything I dont know but he come back with propranolol. Which I encouraged him to take but said he would if he needed too. The doctors said he was stressed.
A couple of weeks before, My friend also accused him of nearly touching her boob. He denied it completely - which I still don't know what to believe. I did throw it in his face a few times during arguments and he did seem guilty by his reaction. But agian he was drunk and under the influence.
The lies was getting too much, I caught him taking cocaine and he tried to lie and say id not seen him. He had a empty bag in his pocket once too.
The weekend before he took his own life - I was awful. He told me he felt worthless and a waste of oxygen and I was so mean. Told him to pull himself together and man the fuck up that it wasn't all about him, that he's selfish, he doesnt help himself by drinking and taking drugs and pushing people away. I dismissed his feelings completely, because he use to say them kind of things under the influence or when he'd done something wrong plus in the past when I have asked him about this, he always dismissed me saying nothing my heads just fucked. He was offered help a few times from his dad, work, the doctors and me but he would never take it because he was 'fine'.
Home life must have been miserable for him. I made his life a living hell for months. Although I never gave up on him, and did everything I could for him in the aspect of cleaning up after him, making sure he had clean clothes, dinners made, money if he needed it.
The thought that I could be the cause of his actions next is eating me alive I feel cabbaged. Im here but on a different planet.
On the Friday, he come home after he had been to the pub. Which I knew about. I transfered him some money for a few pints. He turned up abit later than planned so i was abit knalfed off over msg. But all day, he was telling me how much he loved me. That he was stressed, not with us or anything to do with us. That he was trying to give up weed. Told me how much he loved me and he couldn't wait to get home to have sex. He tried ringing me a few times whilst out. But my signals terrible - so he was paraniod asking for my where abouts ect. I was at home with my 4 year old by the way.
He got home around 10 ish. There was no arguments. But I knew he had taken something. His pupils was massive, his eyes was nearly fully black and could clearly see he had drank alot. I just said have you took something? Just be honest and he replied yeah, but I havn't bought any. His mood was up and down. He went on to ask me if there was anyone else, if I still loved him, what have I been doing, why wasn't I answering the phone. I reassured him. There is no one else, I loved him and showed him I had no miss calls. He then went on to tell me that he felt worthless, that me and the baby deserve better and I deserved to be treated better. He then said that he'd been taking cocaine for alot longer than I knew of and alot more , for the past 6 months. Thats what has been causing a wedge between us, that's why he hasn't been coming home, thats where his money has been going, he went on to reassure me he hasn't been cheating. I told him he'd been honest and that we could put it past us but he needed to speak to family or professional help. He then went on to say that I couldn't tell his family, and no one cared. Then to say that I would hold this against him and take his daughter away from him..I reassured him that I wouldn't ever do that, that I wouldn't trust him like this though. I said to him he needed to sort his shit out as we have a baby coming in 8 weeks. We went and sat down in the front room. He had his head in his hands muttering things I didnt understand. He asked why I was with him and I told him, because I love you. I want us to be a family and I want us to work. He said your only with me because your pregnant. I said well I am pregnant and I love you. He went upstairs, I presumed to use the bathroom and he took his own life. 5 minutes he was up there for untill I went to check on him as he wasn't answering me. We couldn't bring him back.
My heart aches. I feel like im to blame. Did he feel unhappy with me? Trapped? Was I controlling? Was I emotionally abusing him? Did I put too much pressure on him? Did he plan this?. The guilt is just too much to describe. I cant stop re reading the txts of me giving him abuse over time because of his behaviour and him telling me how much he loves me and things will change. That he feels unwanted. How could I possibly have made him feel like that? How could I have not picked up on the mood swings, shaking, migraines, sickness and vomiting from the withdrawals? What if I found him a little early or reassured him more that night. His parents will receive his phone back from the police and read through our messages where I look like a horrible vindictive controlling bitch who wasn't there for him supporting him constantly threatening to end the relationship and telling him to find somewhere else but that was never the case. I wanted to scare him into changing and it just got to a point where I had enough of his behaviour because it was constantly a re occurrence, so the arguing was . He put me through alot too but none of that matters. Despite what he put me through I didnt care. I just wanted change and I couldn't give up on him.
I cant deal with this and I dont know how I will get through this. My life has been ripped to shreds