Crying all the time

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Not me but my friend. She's been on a high level of Sertraline for a while and the doctor weaned her off them, she's had terrible sleep patterns for two years but now she's on a drug - I can't recall what - that she takes once at night. It's supposed to help her sleep too and seems to be working. She was more positive and upbeat for a couple of weeks.

She's had a cold for a few days and has treated it like it's the end of the world, it's got her down so much. We all get a cold and feel rubbish of course. I'm worrying that this is another setback and what to say that's not "it's only a cold, get a grip". I told her to be kind to herself, stay in bed, have a pampers bath, read, that sort of thing.

I know this sounds like nothing but she's so fragile mentally just now.

Any chance it’s Covid?

Maybe ask her what’s on her mind, what’s worrying her, and what would make a difference…

How worried are you… do you think she’s at risk of harming herself?

@Darker

Any chance it’s Covid?

Maybe ask her what’s on her mind, what’s worrying her, and what would make a difference…

How worried are you… do you think she’s at risk of harming herself?

No it isn't covid, she has done a test. I don't think that would make a difference really, because she always says she doesn't know, she just wants to feel better, no I don't think, even though she's said there's no point in her being here, that she would actually go ahead and top herself, that's been discussed at length. I think she wants everything to be perfect and can't accept that it won't be, life isn't perfect for Kate bloody Middleton even! I'm glad though that just chatting with her had brought her round a bit. Thanks for commenting.

The fact that you're caring about her enough to come in mumsnet and post says you're probably doing as much as you can. Having been there myself, I'm a strong believer that only the person suffering can pull themselves out of it, but having a friend there to listen and make self-care suggestions will be making that so much more possible to happen.

Send funny memes, maybe invite her to coffee for a week from now, to help her focus on looking forward to shaking off the cold.

I always remember a scene in a film with a woman with depression, she can't reach the cereal from a high cupboard and just burst into tears about it. Not much one can do when in that state, but it sounds like you're being a great friend

Please look after yourself in this situation and set some boundaries if you haven’t already done so. E.g. length of call and frequency of call.

You could also signpost to Samaritans. You don’t have to be suicidal to call them .

I had covid and felt extremely depressed.

Has she done a PCR?

@starsinyourpies

I had covid and felt extremely depressed.

Has she done a PCR?

Yes she has and it's negative.

I think she wants everything to be perfect and can't accept that it won't be

Sounds as though counselling would be more helpful than drugs.

@Febrier

I think she wants everything to be perfect and can't accept that it won't be

Sounds as though counselling would be more helpful than drugs.

She's had 30 sessions and is now on a three month break. She's become reliant on the therapist who seems to want to talk about her childhood all the time.

She had a good childhood. No abuse and all material needs met, Mum a little distant though.

Have you tried just empathising with her instead of giving her advice? I know you mean well, but honestly telling her to do basic self care is all well and good, but if she’s depressed what she probably needs is for you to just say “I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down, it’s shit when you’re ill isn’t it” and maybe just sit with her for a bit. Sometimes we don’t need someone to have all the answers, just to have our back.

She's had 30 sessions and is now on a three month break. She's become reliant on the therapist who seems to want to talk about her childhood all the time.

Yeah, they do that for some reason(!)

She had a good childhood. No abuse and all material needs met, Mum a little distant though.

Unfortunately babies and children need more than material things and a lack of abuse. A "be perfect" driver is a very common behaviour for dealing with deficits. Anyway, enough armchair psychology from me. I agree with PPs' advice - boundaries and empathy.

@RoyKentsChestHair

Have you tried just empathising with her instead of giving her advice? I know you mean well, but honestly telling her to do basic self care is all well and good, but if she’s depressed what she probably needs is for you to just say “I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down, it’s shit when you’re ill isn’t it” and maybe just sit with her for a bit. Sometimes we don’t need someone to have all the answers, just to have our back.

I know but I feel useless when I don't have answers.

I know what you mean. But my ex used to just throw ‘solutions’ at me when I was depressed. It was like he didn’t give me credit for realising what I needed to do to feel better. I knew, I just didn’t have the motivation or energy to do those things. Even having a shower can be hard work when you’re feeling low.

I know it’s tempting to try and help her fix herself but maybe just try next time not offering a solution or advice and just be with her in her sadness.

Sometimes there are no answers. Feeling like you ‘should’ feel better or ‘shouldn’t’ feel so terrible can be a huge burden. Not being able to feel happier and more motivated can feel like a failure.

And as a friend you can help a lot by just letting them know that you still love them, and that you’ll be there for them tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Let that be enough. It could help them to understand that being themselves is also enough for them.

You mentioned a ‘distant’ mother. That can be huge. For a child, having or not having unconditional love and full attention can be the difference between feeling safe and being forever terrified of being abandoned. Being perfect is a strategy for basic survival.