Dating borderline personality disorder

[dontwatchthat]

I've posted this in relationships too. But just wondered if anyone could help

I've not been formally diagnosed. But I'm 99% sure I have this. I have such an intense fear of being abandoned. It literally sends me into a hysterical state. I go from such intense emotions. I've always felt like this. I've never felt like I really know who I am. Watching other people has always been a bit strange. Like how do normal people do this? Why does everyone make it look so easy? I don't think I can explain how intense my emotions are.

I've just come out of a 9 month relationship. It was intense. And so so bad. I knew he wasn't right for me early on but the fear of being abandoned (?) made me hang on. I'd posted on here a lot about him.

I've been in abusive relationships in the past. He knew about that. He also pointed out the borderline personality traits. He knew all my weaknesses. And I feel like he used them all against me. I spent so many times literally sobbing in front of him begging him to help me and he would sit there impassively staring at me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need some support not to go back. Unbelievably I'm still clinging on in some way. We had nice times. In many ways maybe because I could sense he also had a fear of abandonment I thought we could work.

I feel ashamed of my past. Ashamed that I am so broken. (His words).

I'm desperately trying to get help but reading up it doesn't seem like even getting a diagnosis will help. It's not going to lead to some miracle. My gp has just referred me for more counselling which I'll hear back this week. But I've done cbt. It didn't touch the sides.

Sorry. Thanks for reading if you've made it to the end

You don’t need to be with anyone who says you’re broken so don’t go back there. You’re different not broken.

The positive thing is that it sounds like you know your behaviour, you recognise you are intense about relationships and the fear of abandonment. So you know it’s part of you, it's something to manage as you go along.

As far as I know support varies from county to county (UK). I have heard of CBT and DBT as well as peer group support. Have a look at your local Mind who may offer support or their national website for self help stuff.

You’ve got this x

Thank you x

Yes I'm having a look at mind now. Dbt has come up a lot. I've tried cbt and it wasn't for me. But maybe I wasn't in the right head space then. I'm prepared to give it all a go.

Thank you. It means so much having support

An intense fear of abandonment is one symptom of BPD, but having it does not mean you have BPD, neither does lacking that symptom mean you don't have BPD. It is all far more complicated than that.

In any case, DBT is so useful.. everyone should try it.

CBT won't work, but DBT can be very effective with BPD, as can some talk therapies. It is treatable, and recovery is entirely possible - as long as one is able to see the process through. First, though, get a diagnosis. And avoid dating until you're well settled in therapy.

(I worked with BPD clients as a therapist in private practice.)

It could be lots of things @dontwatchthat. You need a good therapist, for talking therapy not CBT or the like. It’s amazing to learn why you feel the way you do, I’ve found it invaluable. You can get past this!

2 separate issues here.

1 - he sounds really nasty well done on leaving the relationship.
2 - therapy would be good to help you manage your emotions, in some areas of the UK you may be able to access DBT which is excellent. Don’t be put off by any of the group aspects of the DBT.
Where I work (Midlands) some people get offered a similar therapy but a ‘less intense’ version of DBT.

The basic ethos of this type of therapy is you look at situations that distress you/cause you bother and learn how to develop ‘skills’ to manage your reactions.

I know staff who run this type of therapy and they will tell you we all have something to learn from this. From the outside the therapy might look a bit ‘basic’ but actually that is often what is needed. For example, really learning and practising self-care, how to manage events that are distressing without using strategies which harm you further either physically or emotionally,

“Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past, not to punish you, but to understand how you needed to be loved.”

One of my favourite quotes. You deserve to be loved and supported. And if someone else won’t do that, then at least do it for yourself. Treat yourself with love and kindness. I hope you can get a diagnosis, therapy and/or medication to help you. I know how hard it can be to have those trauma bonds and fear of abandonment.

It’s unlikely you’ll be referred for DBT without a formal bpd diagnosis.
But there may be other suitable therapy.

Or if you feel a diagnosis would be helpful the GP might consider a referral to a psychiatrist which could be a one off appointment for diagnostic purposes.

I've never felt like I really know who I am

Indeed. I describe myself as "grey". In my head, I perceive other people as boldly drawn outlines on a piece of paper, they are distinct and well-formed, whereas I am just a grey scrawl.

I am currently in a very happy relationship and I have never had a problem finding people to date, personally. You do need someone who is willing to research it though, imo.

Hiya OP I don't know if this helps but I have a son with BPD - he had a lot of issues early on but now he's in his late 20's & it seems that the more he understands himself the better he is at life. BPD has a bad rep but it's got positives, you'll be very empathic & look at things deeply. Yes intense & fearful too but I'm willing to bet you've got insight & are extremely bright.
I know my son got a lot of support online - if it's helpful I'll ask him which sites are the best for support - like you he doesn't like traditional therapy routes

Thank you everyone.
It's been quite emotional and I've not slept all night so a bit shattered.

@RoyKentsChestHair that quote made me cry. It is exactly right.

@Strangeways19 if you wouldn't mind that would be amazing please. I've found a few things online. And it's just such a relief to hear others talking how I feel

I know I might not have bpd. Someone has mentioned autism in women as well. All I know is I don't feel right. And compared to everyone else I struggle. I had a relatively stable 13 year marriage so it all sort of went away. I never felt abandoned. But being single again has shown that I haven't really changed. It's always been there.