How to support DP with mental health problems

[BrownSparrow]

My DP has some significant mental health issues. He has incredibly low self-esteem, PTSD, and low self worth. He has a huge problem with anger management, and when his mental health starts to spiral, he gets angrier and lashes out at me with verbal abuse. He gets convinced that I don't love him, and he tries to push me away and trap me into telling him I dont' want him - to prove him right that he's not worth it.

This leads to him ending our relationship, being nasty, calling me names. He usually ends up in a huge mental health crisis where he's in total meltdown. Then after a bit of reflection, he realises it was all totally irrational and apologises profusely.

We've been through these episodes on countless occasions. It is exhausting me and breaking my heart. My friends and family tell me I must finish with him - but I love him, and when he's well he's wonderful.

He has committed to getting some mental health support. But I need support too - can anyone offer any advice on how I can deal with a partner who behaves like this?

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's not a situation I'd want to be in and I'd really suggest putting yourself first and considering living separately at least at the moment.
It's his job to help himself first, until then I don't see how you can support him.

Thank you. He is actually about to move away for work, so we'll only see each other every other month. It's a natural break and some enforced space which I think will help.

But I want to be able to look forward to a future with him, without being afraid of the next outburst

It's not your job to fix him. He has to do that himself.

If you really love him, cut ties when he moves. End the relationship and let him focus on sorting his mental health.

You get some support with your mental health and work on understanding why you couldn't save him and how to put yourself first in future.

Don't waste time sitting around waiting for him though.

Hopefully this will give you a chance to reflect on your relationship.
He is abusive and you deserve better.
Having mental health issues isn't an excuse to be vile to your wife. Your friends are right.

Agree with pp and glad to read you are not living together. His mental health is his responsibility. However, it does sound like he is not getting the proper care or medication from his mental health team. If you want to help him, he can give you permission to talk to the mental health team on his behalf. As in provide feedback about your concerns with his ongoing care.

From your short OP, I am wondering why does he have no crisis plan to deal with his meltdown type episodes? Or medication he can take when he feels like his emotions are rapidly sinking to rock bottom? To be honest it sounds really bipolar...has he been assessed for that disorder?

On re-Reading, I’m wondering now if he’s under only a GP? He needs to be urgently referred to mental health for a full psych assessment.

He has only spoken to his GP, who hasn't been very helpful. He can't take medication due to his work, but he has had counselling in the past.

But I think he needs ongoing, probably lifetime, mental health support.

Just remembered he did get a psychiatric assessment - but they said he had no issues. I think the problem is he's not honest in his assessments, hes very clever and I doubt his counsellor has any idea how utterly irrational he can be

Why can't he take medication?

Sounds like he isn't really getting much help.

Best to have a clean break and let him go. You can't fix him.

He has arranged counselling. I've totally withdrawn and told him i'll be here for him but we'll see how the counselling goes.

I was in the same situation. I left.