Rock bottom.

[Trisaratops]

I've struggled with my mental health for 30 years and I'm exhausted.

Clinically and professionally diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, agoraphobia (don't leave the house), monophobia, GAD, severe panic disorder, eating disorders, depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16. Been on meds on and off since I was 16 (currently on and have been for years). I'm on escitalopram, quetiapine and diazepam.

My mental health has been shit for such a long time. Childhood trauma has a contributing factor. Being in unhealthy relationships haven't helped either.

I feel utterly exhausted of constantly fighting a battle that I know I'm losing. Not being able to go out (despite having therapy for it) is so destroying. I have panic attacks when I leave the house and I faint. I know that fainting isn't normal for panic attacks, however after speaking with my doctor and therapist it's now what my body does to basically shut down. It's literally say 'I can't deal anymore'.

I had a massive breakdown in 2012. That was terrible and I'm headed there again.

Since May last year my life has been a shit show. My son attempted suicide which has left me in an even higher state of constant anxiety. I have nightmares, I panic when he leaves the house, I panic when he doesn't answer the phone... I am constantly on edge. Then on top of that just a few weeks later my relationship ended. So I am dealing with PTSD from my son (diagnosed by my therapist who I am seeing although it was blatantly obvious) and the breakdown of my relationship which kicked by BPD up a notch - the rejection and abandonment is fucking killing me.

I just can't deal with ANY OF IT anymore. I don't want to. I am tired of fighting for so long.

I know my future holds no happiness. I am that person that no one wants to be with because I am so fucked up. Being with a person like me just isn't want anyone wants. I don't go out - who wants that? I am done with it all.

I'm sitting here sobbing and it's not even 8.30.

I don't know who to turn to, what to do... I don't know anything ... all I know is that I just can't do this any longer.

I'm really sorry that you're suffering so much and that no one replied to your post. I hope somehow you're feeling a bit better today. I can relate to the feelings of being exhausted and hopeless. I wish I had anything helpful to say but I wanted to let you know, that even though I don't know you, I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You've had so much to deal with. Have you got someone you could phone or a crisis team who could come to see you at home?
Like the previous poster said, I'm too wish I had something helpful to say. But I am here and thinking of you. Please feel free to message me or keep posting here. xx

Oh love, you are carrying around a lot. How about, just for today, even just for a minute, you try to allow a little acceptance of what is. So, right now you can't leave the house, and that's ok. Right now you are terrified for your son, and that's ok. Right now you are getting help from therapy and being supported my medication, and that's ok. Everything that you are doing is ok. Try and give yourself a little break and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. That's all any of us are doing. None of us have the answers, we are just doing what we can do with what we know and have. Take care of yourself. x

Also, you're not losing the battle. x You keep going, and that's enough.
Please get urgent help if you need it though. You deserve that too.

I'm 'in' therapy at the moment for PTSD. I spoke to the crisis team the other day because I self harmed and I was contacted back a few hours later for a chat, but that's all.

I can't talk to anyone. I hate burdening people with my shit. My mum is old so I would never speak to her. My sister hates me because I was born (true story) and my friends have their own stuff going on... so I just sit here, alone and cry. It's really bad.

Hey lovely, can you call samaritans? Or reach out to a friend. I know you said that they have their own stuff going on, but I'm sure they would want to be there for you if they knew how you are feeling. I'm so sorry you feeling this way. I was diagnosed with ptsd some time ago. I found emdr therapy helped massively. xx

We are abroad .

Perhaps a few nibbles and maybe wear some red white and blue. Nothing major at all