Is this too much to put on DD?

[Tonyslovelydog]

I have depression and anxiety which is currently fairly well managed with meds and cbt/self help techniques. I function ok day to day but struggle with crowds, big events etc so avoid those things as much as possible. DD is 13, obsessed with music and starting to want to go to gigs, none of her friends are into the same bands as her so basically if she has any chance of going it will have to be me who takes her.

So we have tickets for something in June, I'll be ok on the night but I'm honestly dreading it and know the more I have to think/talk about it the worse state I will get myself into in the meantime. DD is obviously excited and wanting to talk about it and every time it's mentioned I can feel the panic rising and I'm struggling not to snap at her.

Would it be totally awful of me to explain to her a bit about how it's making me feel and ask her to try to talk to her friends about the gig instead? I try so hard not to burden her with my MH and the last thing I want is to take the shine off it for her but I don't know if I can cope with her constantly talking about it for the next few months.

I feel awful even typing that, I don't want my illness to affect her at all and I usually do pretty well at making sure it doesn't but I'm really struggling with this. She obviously doesn't (and shouldn't) know how big a mountain I'm climbing just to take her so she has no idea how much worse she's making it by her completely reasonable and understandable excitement and I feel like the worst mum ever for even contemplating saying anything to her but I'm not sure how much more I can grit my teeth while I smile and nod. Please be kind if I just need to be told that of course I shouldn't say anything, I already feel horrible for feeling the way I do.

I don't think she'll understand at this age. Could you try to apply your cbt techniques or maybe have a few more sessions?

You need to focus specifically on this with a therapist and stop avoiding it. Avoiding and rumination, catastrophic thinking like you are doing will guarantee it will be awful which then becomes a deeper embedded experience. Put yourself in the place where you can experience crowds and build tolerance prior to the event.

I would avoid talking to her about it, I'm sure she will then be worried about your enjoyment of the night and also be concerned about your welfare leading up to the event, which in turn may ruin it for her x

Sorry that wasn't clear. I'd avoid explaining to her that you are anxious

Sorry OP, I'm another who thinks you shouldn't mention it.

I'm sure you've already thought of it but don't suppose you have any siblings or your friends who could take her?

I'm pleased your cbt and meds are helping and you feel you will be able to cope with the actual gig. The talking about it, I think you will have to grit your teeth and go with a breezy "yes looking forward to it, it'll be great" and then swift change of subject. And bring out all your coping strategies to not think about it.

Are there fan groups that you could encourage her to make connections with? In the hope that in a couple of years time, you won't be the one having to take yourself so far out of comfort zone in attending these?

Please don't, she is 13, let her be 13 and not have the added burden of mums anxiety. It's hard I know, but can you get some help with it to try and get some coping strategies for things like this?

If you've suffered for a while I think she's already makes conscious decisions etc for you. I know you try not to show her but kids are know a lot more than we realise.

I would avoid saying anything to her, it obviously means a lot to her and seek help for you to manage your anxiety around it.

Being a bit sneaky I would keep my ear to the ground for anyone that I could donate my ticket to. Like if she has a friend around and they comment on her music positively I might be inclined to say oh maybe you you'd be more fun for daughter to go to the concert with rather than her hanging around with someone boring like me and gauge the reaction from your daughter.

Although maybe check base that your daughter hasn't set this up as a way to spend time with you or bond with you as tbh at 13 I'd more than likely have tagged along to a gig I wasn't interested in with a friend just for something fun/ different to do.

The problem with you telling her talking about this is making you anxious is that she'll extrapolate it to other things.
She will always worry that talking to you about x may make you anxious. Which means she will talk to you less and less, because she won't want to be responsible for your anxiety. By you telling her not to talk about this, you are putting responsibility on her inducing anxiety. She'll hear don't talk about it things to you. She won't restrict it to this thing and thus you'll be doing a huge long term disservice to your future communication with her.

I understand you only don't want her to talk to you about this thing. She won't, even if she tells you she does.