Rich, but so poor.

[Wack]

Just over 5 years ago, my ex announced that we should split, although a little shocked at the time, I was overjoyed inside, I could finally escape the greedy woman I'd been living with. I agreed to remove my name from the bank account and set up an account of my own, on the grounds that she gave me some money to help to get some furniture etc (I should have taken some money out before hand and she went back on her word as soon as the deed was done). I quickly moved into a local authority bungalow and started to rebuild my life, apart from a microwave and my clothes, I had nothing.
I had no money, so struggled to get the gas and electric reconnected, luckily a friend helped me out and gave me some money to get back on my feet. I lived on toast, cupasoups and anything I could cook in the microwave as I didn't have enough to buy a cooker, 7 months in, I found a secondhand one. It must have been 3 years until I was in a position to say I had it how I wanted and was "proud" that I could say, I'd sorted myself out, but still lived in fear of going back to having no money and not having enough to pay my bills etc, it leaves me with so many sleepless nights.
My ex is still in my house, but I refuse to pay anything towards her or the property, she stung me and I'm playing the same game, if the house needs any work doing, she will have to pay for it as I see it as dead money and really don't care what happens to it or even if it falls down, yes, I'm that far down the line.
Roll forward to now and I've recently had a little bit of luck, I won some money, under £10,000 and not enough to be life changing to the majority of people, but it is to me and it's causing me a huge amount of grief. All my life I've had to work and work very hard to make my way in life, at one stage I was working 3 jobs and never had any time off, I worked a full time Monday to Friday job, another job on a Saturday that consisted of 10 to 12 hours, plus I was working in a pub every night and all day Sunday, after several years of this, it took it's toll and nearly killed me. When I went from being useful to useless, I soon found out how much my ex cared about me.
Sorry, bit of a rant there.
With having this sum of money in my bank account, it's making me feel guilty because I didn't work for it and in all honesty, it's really praying on my mind as I don't know what to do with it. A friend said I should take a holiday, (I've not had one since Summer 1990 and I'm not one for laying on a beach or sitting about, I have to keep my body and mind busy, it doesn't help that I was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum in summer last year). I'm not going to buy myself something I need or want, (there's nothing I can think of that I need or want and I've gone so long having to do without).
My home is how I need it and want it, I don't need anything for it, I'm fine for clothes, I don't need a car as the one I have is fine and working, I don't need anything for my hobbies as I never had time to enjoy any with working all the time. But I am no way going to use it to repair my house, it's dead to me and unless I snuff it before she does, I'm not going to see any benefit. I've severed the joint tenancy and made my will, so I'm safe in the knowledge that she will not benefit more than she thinks if I happen to shuffle off before her.
People dream of winning the lottery and having all this millions to what they want with, to me it would be a nightmare, what can I do with the money I have in the bank? I cannot bring myslef to just go out and blow it, I would get no satisfaction and pile even more guilt on myself.
All of my life, I've felt guilty about not having money and now I feel guilty about having it, I can't win.

I don't understand how u got a local authority bungalow when you own a house. Keep it I'm the bank for emergency's

You don’t have to do anything just yet. You may be glad of the money further down the line. Put it in an ISA or Premium Bonds so that it isn’t in your current account so you don’t have to see the balance .

If there is nothing you want or need right now, put it somewhere safe. If life throws you another curveball, you have a back up. If you find something you want or need, you can. If a friend needs that little bit of support to get their feet under them, you could help them out like your friend did for you.
The money will give you options. You don't need to spend it.

Spend half , save half
So save half of it for a rainy day (when your dishwasher breaks ect)

Spend 1/4 on something you want (a new phone/a holiday)
Spend 1/4 on something you need (or save this bit for when something breaks if you don't 'need' anything now

What's your pension like?

What exactly is the position re the house your ex is living in? You say it's your house, but then you mention a joint tenancy which you say you've "severed" - do you mean it's now owned by both of you as tenants in common?

Why haven't you attempted to get the house sold?

Were you married, and if so are you now divorced?

I would put it away in case you need it in the future.
Don’t feel guilty for having money, it sounds like you’ve had a really hard time. Now try to relax a little.

We are tenants in common now, one of the best things I've done.

We were never married, but the house might be sold when our son leaves uni in the summer, but it depends if he stays on for another year. I support him by putting money directly into his bank account, if I gave it to her, she'd keep it and use it.

Because of my chronic illness's and situation, I'm classed as vulnerable, therefore was housed very quickly, the bungalow I live in was empty for several months and had been offered to a lot of people, but most turned it down because there's only one bedroom.

The premium bond idea sounds good and if needs be, I can get at it fairly quickly.

Thank you all for the replies.

I have to apologise to everyone, I got very distracted in my first post and didn't really get to the point of why I actually posted. What I wanted to say, with the money I have, although I could have a holiday, I don't feel I can justify it, I don't need a phone or anything else, but what really makes me feel sick, is if I do buy something that most see as trivial, to me it's extravagant and it worries me greatly. I only shop at Lidl/Aldi as I cannot see the point of paying more for the same stuff I can get at other supermarkets.
I am sim only with my supplier and the last phone I bought was only £140, but I mulled for days as to whether I should buy it, could buy it and needed it, my old phone was really on it's last legs. Afterwards the guilt plagued me for weeks, as I felt like I didn't deserve or needed it.
This is really plaguing me day and night.

I say just keep it back for a rainy day.

No one necessarily deserves the good or the bad things that happen to them. We just role with thr punches as best we can when chips are down and be thankful when good things happen.

It sounds like you have been left with low self worth after the separation and living with someone nasty.

Why not spend some of the money on some therapy for yourself. To further help you rebuild your confidence. Because you have the right to take care of your mental wellbeing.

The thing is you do not HAVE to spend it. You do not have to rush out and buy something extravagant (or not) because you have some cash now. Take yourself back to the time when you were skint and you needed things but couldn't afford them. See this money as a bucket of cash for rainy days and sundays. When you need a new cooker you can afford one, big bill for the car because it failed it's MOT, you now have the money. Think of it as an emergency buffer. If you do not want or need anything just now then don't waste it. I think you sound very sensible. Most people who get a lump sum fritter it away on useless things that won't help them in a longer term situation. Hopefully having a bit of money in a savings pot for any future emergencies will give you a bit of comfort.

And I also wanted to add, I too have been very skint in the past. I was in a lot of debt at one point. That is all finished and now I am thankfully in a very good financial position. I also find it difficult to spend money when it feels extravagant. I have the money but I struggle to justify to myself why I should spend it. You don't need to make yourself uncomfortable, if your phone is knackered you can replace it, but if you have a perfectly working phone you do not need to get sucked into the latest and greatest model just because you can.