Helping depressed DM

[Fiftyplanner]

Hi,

My DM has suffered from depression and anxiety throughout most of my life (I am now mid 40’s). This has become worse since my DF died 10 years ago and I really don’t know how to deal with it so looking for any suggestions.

She is on medication and has had various counselling sessions over the years but currently not seeing anyone or seeking GP help with her dosage. She is not leaving the house at the moment and, as she doesn’t work, has no reason to. This has been the case this time since mid January. She lives with my DB who is unemployed and also suffering from depression.

I know she is ill but she is missing out on so much with my DC, who are now teenagers and one is leaving for Uni later this year. It makes me so sad and also it is exhausting working, looking after my family and trying to create some kind of relationship for them with her as I feel she is missing out. I have tried over the years to involve her in our lives but as the kids get older it is harder to find the time and she has very little to say to them as she doesn’t know them. She also smokes so they don’t like being in her house which makes things harder for visiting etc.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I veer between going NC as it’s too hard (we are not close, she has always favoured my DB - long backstory) and feeling helpless to help her.

OP, I think you need to take a deep breath and a step back. You didn’t cause your mum’s depression and it’s not your responsibility to deal with it.
Your DC don’t want to spend time with her, and she doesn’t seem keen to see them either, so why are you still trying to force them together? And if she prefers your brother, fine, that’s her choice - leave her to it.
Who are you trying to please here? Do you have some idealised picture of how the family ought to be, and you feel you have to keep trying to play happy families despite all the evidence that it’s not working? Is it a sense of inappropriate guilt and obligation - “she’s my mother, I’m meant to love her” “she’s the kids’ granny, I must make them see her” etc?
Stop all this, and look at your own needs and preferences, and those of your DC. It sounds like you would all be happier reducing contact with your DM to a minimum and keeping it there. There is no shame in that.

Totally agree with Babdoc.

You're not responsible for your mother's happiness or her relationship with your children. Give yourself a break and stop trying to fix things. Focus instead on you and your own relationship with your children. Enjoy them and don't let the thought that your mother's missing out spoil your own enjoyment.

I really feel for you. It's a sad situation. I'm in a similar place and am now just trying to protect myself by accepting how things are and not trying to change it. x

Thank you @Babdoc and @Entschuldigung, I think you have both articulated what I feel perfectly. I am lucky enough to have great in laws who dote on our DC and I try to focus on that, but sometimes it magnifies the poor relationship they have with my mum. I also think it frustrates me thinking of how my dad would have been were he alive and how my mum is wasting the chance he never had.

I know I need to focus on my own family, and I do to a large extent, just every so often the feelings pop up (like now) and cause me to feel low.

I'm glad you have your in-laws. I'm so sad that you and your Dad have missed out on sharing your children together. That's really, really hard.

It will be easier for you if you can accept your mum as she is but how you get to the point of acceptance I don't know. It's like you have to give yourself permission to stop trying. If you find that difficult, try lengthening the time between contact with your mum to start off with. Someone once told me I didn't need to phone mine every day. That was a very helpful revelation to me!

Thinking of you