Why have all my friends dumped me?

[QueenofVenus]

I have been friends with 2 girls of a similar age to me for about 3/4 years now, all our kids have practically grown up with each other and we have all been on holiday together and away for weekend breaks together, and then about 7/8 months ago, they have started being quiet with me, i never saw either of them the entire summer holidays despite MY attempts to contact them, and then about 3 weeks ago i heard some strange news about one of them which had the potential to cause serious harm and have quite a knock on effect so i warned them and they have been awful with me about it, the husband of one of them has said im a liar and demanded to know who id heard it from and i kept this from him as it would have had serious repucusions for me it this person found out i had told so i said just someone, he got rude and arrogant with me, i tried to go round and talk to them about it and he said i was stupid to go round and should leave and come back later if i wanted to discuss it which i did but i felt very very interogated, i then went and saw my other friend and told her that i had been to talk to them and felt very interogated and i couldnt wait to get out of there i didnt want to speak to them about it anymore i then found out just after i had left she called the other friend and told her id been round and said i told her "i stormed out and told them i didnt want to see them again" which simply isnt true, im absolutley shocked and distraught at the depths of lies and betrayal from them, i have never said anything other then good things about them all! they mean everything to me and now i have been told to stay away as they all need time to get over what i have done to them!! I havent done anything!! i simply warned them of a very serious rumour which would have caused serious damage, i thought maybe they think im lying or its me that started the rumour, but we have been friends for so long that i would hope ive earnt ebough trust and respect for them to know better, one of them gave birth on her bathroom floor in sept and never told any of us she was pregnant, i went straight out and spent almost £200 on things for both of them money i could not afford but i wanted so badly to help, how can they now think so badly of me, my kids want to go and see their kids and i dont know how to explain why we cant, im so so sad i just dont understand what i did wrong.

queen, it sounds like there is more to this. has someone been making trouble for you , i wonder. it sounds like they have misinterpretted your intentions regarding the rumour, and wrongly assume you are trying to 'make waves'.

am sure someone more helpful will be along soon. didnt want to ignore your thread xx

thanks noonar, i agree there must be more to it then this but they wont talk to me anymore, any of them.

could you write them a litter? or maybe ask a different friend, who knows then too, if they can shed any light on it?

what kind of people are they? do they normally hold grudges/ have rows etc? or are they usually mild mannered?

'letter' lol

I would agree with the letter, it gives them chance to calm down a bit (even though it sounds like they are being unreasonable) and you can say everything you need to clearly without being questioned.

hth

Def sounds like there is more to this than meets the eye. I think they have treated you very unfairly - esp as there was something going on over the summer too. What was all that about? Clearly they have an issue with you which is now why they are so uppity with you letting them know what you heard. It is a pity they didn't let you know what was bothering them earlier, as it seems like they are now really trying to cut you out of their lives. I am sorry your friendship has disintergrated like this, but sometimes things like this happen and it is hard and very sad, especially when you don't know what you have done.

The way I see it is that you can either try get to the bottom of this by either speaking to them or writing to them, expressing your confusion, or leave it and try move on, realising that sometimes friendships sink. Sorry QofV that this is happening to you. hugs

Thankyou everyone, i appreciate the feed-back, im so depressed right now i cant describe. As for what sort of people they are, normally they are lovely kind calm respectable people, i have nothing but love and respect for them as do anyone that knows them, i would do anything for them. As for the summer, i think this was more something caused by friend 1 - basically friend 1 is the same age as me (28) and she is lovely and always helpful no matter what, but seems to be rather liberal with the truth, she split from her dp last christmas, and has seemed to get more and more distant from me since then. Friend 2 is 32 she is married to a lovely man (or so i used to think) and they have there own business run from home to which they employ friend 1, so they now spend alot of time together and has naturally caused me to see less of them as their business has really taken off and so they all work together all day everyday, i feel like i shouldnt go round much as they are so busy, but when i do i cant help but get the feeling im not wanted there and as i said earlier, this seems to have been the case for about 7-8 months, i cant pinpoint what it is. I think maybe a letter is a good idea! I refuse to be gotten rid of when i have done nothing wrong sorry to rant on and on, its just been upsetting me for so long i needed to get it off my chest.

QoV it sounds like the 2 friends don't need you anymore? Sorry to be blunt but I supppose if they are in each others pockets all day they are inevitably going to be closer. I imagine that's what happened over summer. As for this rumour - is it a case of 'shoot the messenger'?
write the letter, explain your hurt, then move on. You've done enough running after their freindship. Let them come to you.

Umm. I think you should try to look at things from their point of view to work out why you have upset them?

What were these rumours about and what did you say to the person who spread them to you? If they were potentially damaging and you hadn't immediately given that particular messenger some harsh words, then I would be miffed with you for a start and would assume that you didn't value our friendship very highly to not refute them for me there and then.

Then, if the rumours were really salacious and were about ME, I would be horrified if a friend of mine then went to another friend and told her all about the rumours in whatever context whatsoever (ie even if saying "X isn't talkng to me and it's not my fault because all I did was warn her that there is a terrible false rumour going around that AB&C has happened") That could be termed as trying to put a wedge between the two of them, or - even worse - it could be percieved as gossipping about them yourself.

Then, if the rumours were for example false rumours about an affair, or something similar, then I would expect a person to be EXTREMELY discreet and probably not mention to me at all (if they were blatently untrue)

You could well just be a victim of shoot the messenger syndrome, but you need to look at what it is you said and how you went about it. However well-intentioned, you could have come across maybe as sensationalising something or adding credence to it?

Regardless of that, if you want to establish relationships again you will need to drop both of them a note apologising (even if you think you haven't done anything wrong)

Squiffy - i know of a girl who is the local gossip and is frequently sh*t stirring, she told me that she thinks my friend one is guilty of benefit fraud, and had "reported the cheeky cow" since this was affect my other friend with whom friend one works with and the business they have worked so hard to establish i thought i would give them a heads-up, i didnt know if they were legal or not but i thought just in case they werent forewarned is forearmed and all that, there was never anything more to it then that, and you can be damn sure i told miss gobby to sod off and leave my friend alone. i think it is definatley a case of shoot the messenger, but when the messenger has saved your ass BIG time, then that shouldnt be the case (i have since learned they were very very illegal and she was working full time and still claiming all the benefits of a single mum and they were helping her) just shows what you get for helping people aye.

QoV, it sounds as though they are being hugely defensive with you as a result of their own guilt, and are 'battoning down the hatches' and shunning anyone not involved.

they dont sound like people i'd want to be friends with, tbh.

Oh QOV you have found yourself in a pit of snakes - I think noonar is right. They are shooting the messenger and battening down the hatches and panicking ,because now they know that other people know.

It's not your fault that you know, but it will have caused a permanent rift - they've been found out, and you have found out that they are dishonest and not trustworthy. You have to move on.

How very to be in the middle of it. You deserve better friends.