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Mental health

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Original poster

A question of bonding.........did you fall in love straight away

25 replies

Paddingtonblue · 03/01/2008 20:22

I have a healthy, happy ds who is nine weeks old, I had a fantastic pregnancy, a wonderful birth and my dh is wonderfully supportive, so why do I feel like I am doing going through the motions? I look at my baby and see how perfect he is and am proud that I am bfing successfully, am happy to do everything that he needs, but I feel sort of distant from him. I would run through a fire for him, but I don't feel like a "mother", does this make sense? I thought I would fall in love totally, but feel more like I am a caretaker. Did anyone else feel this?

OP posts:

callmeovercautious · 03/01/2008 20:31

Yes. It is odd isn't it? Yet when I thought of all the horrible things the world could throw at her I knew I would always be willing to lay down and take the hit for her.

I did not have that overwhelming bursting into tears upon first sight of her. I did burst into tears on about day 3 when I looked at her sleeping though! (hormones ).

However, gradually over time the feeling of being a slightly obsessed caretaker became definate feelings of love. Now when she wakes up in the Morning chatting to herself I lie and listen just to hear her so happy makes me happy and a warm fuzzy feeling fills me. The other day I suddenly realised how totally and uterly I loved her when she was sick on the Babysitter. I was beside myself with panic and when I saw her it was a really powerful urge to pick her up and hold her, I didn't because she had gone back to sleep

DD is 15m now btw and I kind of got over that odd feeling by about 6m.

It will come in time. Motherhood is a funny thing. I know I did bond straight away, I just did not realise the overwhelming love because I was so busy and tired. Just stop what you are doing every now and then and look at him..........

CarGirl · 03/01/2008 20:33

dc1 instant bonding, the other 3 it grew over time.

orangehead · 03/01/2008 20:35

Yes I was the same, I always blamed my not so wonderful birth though. It does come though. Comeonover is right you notice it more when you stop what you doing. Congrats btw

Wilkie · 03/01/2008 20:35

Yup

I kept 'distance' I think in case anything happened to DS. I found myself looking at him, loving him but not feeling that overwhelming urge people talk about.

It started at about 4 months I think and now I adore him.

I totally 'get' what you mean in your OP but am not good at expressing it in words IYKWIM.

It is definately normal but people rarely say it out loud (except on MN )

margoandjerry · 03/01/2008 20:36

honestly it is normal. I fell in love with my daughter the first time she laughed, at 4 months old. Before that, it was just going through the motions. I wasn't depressed. It just took time. Please don't worry about this.

I don't think newborns are necessarily that loveable tbh .

briarrose · 03/01/2008 20:36

Hi there, first of all my main message is do not punish yourself!!! I was talking to the mother in law over this just the other day, we both went through it and it does not last forever. Hormones are funny things and it is the hormones that are responsible for making you behave the way you are. You can't push yourself or torture yourself. You are obviously taking very good care of your baby even if you are only going through the motions, the rest will come. I had my first DD prematurely and although it was very traumatic I had no probs bonding, when I had second DD I was doing exactly the same as you, running on autopilot. There is so much pressure to be a wonderful gurgling mummy and that does not help. Some people find that it passes quickly, some don't, but it will pass, trust me. It took a few months for it to pass with me (but you probably have already noticed that time flies with a new baby!) My older DD had to go into hospital suddenly and I went with her, while there I realised that I missed my baby and suddenly that feeling was there, I knew that I truly loved my baby and wanted so much to be with her. Once the guilt I lifted the guilt from myself the rest followed suit.
You'll be fine.
Be sure to post in future and tell us all how things are going!
Hope that has helped!
x

constancereader · 03/01/2008 20:37

I felt exactly the same as you. It was so strange and upsetting that I seemed to feel so little for the baby that I longed for for so long. I think ds was about four months old when I truly fell in love with him.

You will fall in love, it takes a little time. I think it is very common to feel like this.

margoandjerry · 03/01/2008 20:37

Oh and I remember reading about a new mum who was wondering if it was possible to kiss her baby too much. I knew that was not anything I had to worry about. Now I probably kiss her hundreds of times a day.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/01/2008 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Paddingtonblue · 03/01/2008 20:55

Sorry, he was suddenly extremely unhappy so I had to go for a huge cuddle.
Thank you for your posts, I feel like less of a leper. I also think that part of it is that I was convinced that I was going to have a girl, so my wee boy is a bit of a surprise which may be part of it.
I know that I am not depressed, but nowhere do you read that this part of it takes time. It is nice to have my mind put at rest

OP posts:

Wilkie · 03/01/2008 20:59

I remember reading in a book somewhere that:

'even your best friend takes time to become a friend, you build the relationship gradually - bear this in mind that you are expected to love your little bundle immediately who keeps you awake all night, causes you immense pain coming out, screams when its hungry, screams when it's tired...if your best friend had been like that in the first few weeks of your friendship you would have dropped her like a hot potato! It will take a while for this little person to worm its way into you heart but it will happen..."

Or words to that effect...

Very true!

margoandjerry · 03/01/2008 20:59

I have a girl but I have to say, boys are fab. When they get a bit older they are just so adorable. My suggestion: get him some lovely old fashioned stripey pyjamas. They are so cute in those you will fall in love with him straight away.

Actually don't be afraid to buy him nice colourful clothes and lovely soft toys. I hate the way people feel boys have to go straight into khaki and navy - where's the sweetness? Babies should be allowed to be cute and lovely and to have lovely cuddly toys.

systemsaddict · 03/01/2008 21:00

Completely normal, it took me a long time to feel I loved ds1 - I remember someone talking to me about loving her newborn and just nodding along in baffled incomprehension. He's now 16 months and the centre of my universe, I utterly adore him, but it came gradually over time rather than being the instant bonding some people get.

I think for those early weeks you really are mainly a caretaker, there isn't that much relationship there and a lot of that 'instant' bonding is hormonal and pretty random. Don't worry, sounds like you're doing a great job!

And it took me forever to feel like a mother too, ds was born in August and writing 'Mummy' in his first Christmas card felt ever so foreign, I was reminded of it this year when it just felt so normal. It's a complete shift of identity and that doesn't happen instantly.

Meeely2 · 03/01/2008 21:02

I didn't 'meet' my twins til they were a few hours old and even then they were hooked up to all sorts of machines, so they were just 'things' for a while. They were poorly so i didn't let me guard down for a while and tbh i can't remember when the overwhelming love started, i just know it did and they are three now and i would throw myself in front of a moving car for them. they are my world, but with such an intense feeling comes other emotions too, so the last 3 years have been a roller coaster - believe me when your lo's tell you they love you back is the most amazing moment.............

JetPeanut · 03/01/2008 21:03

I was totally the same, and know several other mums as well who have confided that it was not the "instant bond" that you always hear about. When they laid my dd on my chest i looked at her and felt like she didn't really belong to me. She was quite sweet, but no instant feeling of great love. I didn't feel like I would lay down my life for her or anything. It took me several months IIRC. She is nearly 2 now and I love her more than anything else in the world.

Wilkie · 03/01/2008 21:07

PaddingtonBlue - just read your post about him being a boy. I too was utterly convinced DS was a DD and it took A LOT of getting my head round. I wasn't disappointed just....totally shocked I suppose. It is all girls in our family and I just assumed I would have a girl too.

CaptainCaveman · 03/01/2008 21:10

Aww, really feel for you, it can be a bit frightening when you feel like that. However, as all the ladies say, it's totally normal.

When i had ds, I remember dh coming to see us on day 2 or 3 (I was in for 5 days after cs) and saying "ahh, I'm like a besotted teenager in love" whilst looking at ds. I must've looked horrified coz dh said "you do love him don't you?" I mumbled that yes of course I did, but actually I just felt utterly terrified.

I spoke to the hosp mw and she was fab - she said most mums don't have that instant bond but don't feel like they can admit it.

Agree with other posters - about 4 months I was at home with ds whilst dh was out one evening - I heard a noise upstairs and my first instinct was to want to grab a knife and go and kill whoever stood between me and my ds. It was at that point I realised how much I loved him! (Incidentally it was the cat making the noise!)

hth and congrats btw!

Original poster

Paddingtonblue · 03/01/2008 21:20

It is frightening, esp as everything has been so picture perfect. I feel like I should be more grateful and that not bonding with him is a sign that I am not aware of how lucky I am.
Thank you all for replying so fast, I might try bringing it up in real life with some of the women from NCT and my sisters. It is something I have been building up to discussing, so happy to have MN to be able to do that.

OP posts:

Wilkie · 03/01/2008 21:22

Paddington - my pg was not picture perfect and I still felt the same so I don't think it is anything to do with that.

Try discussing it in RL. But remember you are NORMAL

briarrose · 03/01/2008 22:03

You know, it could just be one little thing that threw you, such as you thinking your DS would be a DD, to tip the hormone apple cart.
My big problem was crappy hospital staff and spending the night in hospital completely alone (apart from sleeping baby) because I sent my DH home to look after our first DD, I was so worried about her being put out.
Isn't pregnancy a bloody game. Not as rosy as it looks in all the magazines. I tell you what though, it's so worth it, they are so much fun as they grow. Yes there is tough times but it all adds to the fun!
I only recently discovered mumsnet and it's a lifesaver, stops you thinking that you are alone and/or insane

Heated · 03/01/2008 22:17

Yep, I can distinctly remember looking at ds1 at 7m and knowing I loved him completely but at 3months I felt rather removed, (unlike dh who loved him immediately) but gradually over time my feelings developed.

I think partly it was for me undiagnosed pnd (so don't dismiss this), but also over time babies DO more and you can't help delighting in all their achievements. Personally I found filling in his baby book to record milestones helpful & there is also a book called SmartStart Your Baby which sounds really 'precious' but it gave me something to do and delight in every day with ds.

evelynrose · 03/01/2008 22:46

Paddington, if you google "gender disappointment" you will see some quite helpful sites about (rather obviously!) disappointment caused by wanting a particular gender.

I have to say that I was lucky enough to fall head over heals with all of my 3 at birth, but the feeling wears off quite considerably as they grow older and more challenging! I've always thought of myself as a "baby" person but clearly this phase doesn't last that long, and I expect I will be hopeless at the teenager stage.

margo, I thought your post about boys being allowed to have soft colours etc was just lovely. I quite agree with this. There is far too much kharki, navy, browns from babyhood for boys. I've always veered towards the softer, pastel colours and gender neutral baby toys as well. They are all just babies after all.

EmMcK · 05/01/2008 08:20

I was the same, don't worry. As your DS becomes more active, you will feel less like a caretaker

MUMOFDJandP · 05/01/2008 08:52

I instantly bondeed with ds2 instantly but not ds1 that came about 10months and have no idea why?? though I was soooo attentive to ds1 dont get me wrong!

I love them both to bits!

tigerlily1980 · 08/01/2008 22:28

I remember feeling exactly the same PaddingtonBlue. I had a great pregnancy, birth was ok, and had beautiful boy/girl twins. I had a moment when they were born, but then the morphine (caesarian!!) wore off and I felt a bit flat. I used to spend hours lovingly gazing them...but it just wasn't that overwhelming bonding feeling that people had told me about. I felt I was abnormal, and didn't ever disclose my thoughts, as I felt guilty.

I think I fell in love with them over a period of months, and as they started smiling, laughing, walking, talking etc. my love grew stronger and stronger.

Now they are nearly 5, and the love I have for them is so overwhelming I cannot put it into words.

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