Is it normal to have suicidal thoughts?

[CousinLucy]

I've been tracking my suicidal thoughts - just by circling the number on the calendar. In February I've had seven days in which I have had suicidal thoughts. I suppose I am asking if this is the way that life is, does everyone think like this for one week out of four?

They are usually triggered by something negative that's happened. Like my husband picking a fight with me - not physical - but that happened once in February. And they happen if I haven't been able to get outside and walk, or garden, or if it's too rainy and wet. They also happen if I feel like my freedom is curtailed. So visiting elderly parents for 3-4 days (living 300 miles away) and just being so still all the time. I have a eating disorder history and I find I try hard not for that coping mechanism to kick in, and I end up feeling suicidal. I'm beginning to think I should restrict and maybe it will lift my mood? The hunger and food decisions are a distraction. My mood isn't always suicidal. I don't experience extremes. I think someone who knows me would describe me as calm, compassionate, a good friend and colleague, but also an anxious type. Not necessarily private and introverted, but I certainly haven't shared these thoughts with anyone else.

I'm starting up yoga again this week but I've realised these thoughts hamper my life - and have hampered it since I was a teen - and I wondered if it was normal - to an extent - and if any of you lovely strangers had any advice.

Many thanks.

Please speak to your GP.

Whilst it is common for many people to have the occasional suicidal thought, you do seem to be having rather a lot. If it is triggering thoughts that are making you consider slipping back into an eating disorder for distraction it really is time to speak to someone.

I had a lovely GP tell me that, if I had told him I had the bus times marked out so I knew what time I could throw myself under the number 42, he would be more concerned and that suicidal thoughts are common but that it did sound like I needed some help. He was lovely, shame he was a locum.

I hope you can speak to someone soon

I’m sorry you feel this way no it’s not normal to feel suicidal.
Hope those with experience can help you soon.

Have you had a lot of therapy? You seem self aware. It is striking me that you don't seem particularly alarmed by your suicidal thoughts and that you have noticed a pattern in why they crop up. I remember reading that they are often a kind of short circuit way of coping if we haven't ever learnt healthy coping mechanisms. So we can kind of use them as a sharp exit strategy even tho we may not intend to act on them. The safety issue lies in the intention I think. I wonder if perhaps it's worth having therapy to work on other coping strategies tho, so if things don't go the way you want them to you can manage them in different ways to the suicidal thoughts. It might be worth a go. Take care tho and remember to seek immediate help if you intend to act on them.

Sorry I just reread your post and noticed what you said about having your freedom curtailed and that you are thinking of restricting food. Please seek help as soon as you can. Take care of yourself.

For me, when they crop up it's usually a way of coping. It's an option if life becomes too much.

It's probably not normal but common. You are not alone.

Thank you. It's kind of you all to stop by.

It helps to know that they could be cropping up as a way of coping. I have had therapy and I am good at remembering it, generally, but sometimes it's easier to give up. I don't mean by killing myself, I mean by giving into the thoughts and thinking about it like the previous poster says, it's an option when life gets too much. That's why I lean on restriction; it's a slow way to kill yourself and you can renege. But I am feeling a bit depressed so I thought I'd make marks on the calendar.

I'm in my mid 40s. Could it be hormonal? But they have been a common feature throughout my life on occasions before better thinking kicks in.

I just don't know what to do. I am reluctant to go to the GP. They must be overwhelmed right now. I feel like, as a functioning adult in a profession, I will be dismissed as a time waster and it feels a bit selfish. I am smart and we'll presented, my BMI is nearly 20 - am I really suffering? Or just morbidly fascinated? I don't know if I am brave enough to consider private therapy again; I think my therapist might receive my email, roll her eyes and think, "Oh God - why are things never sorted with you?!"

Mid 40’s -peri menopause may be to blame. Drs are, as ever, busy but they are still dealing with routine issues & queries as well as ongoing pandemic issues. Maybe starting HRT could shift your mood? I would say do an E consult if it was a routine issue but I still think suicidal thoughts/thoughts of restricting eating are something you should arrange to discuss with a Dr ASAP.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/perimenopause-suicidal-thoughts-menopause-mental-health-b1933346.html

“Physical symptoms, exacerbated by hormonal shifts that affect serotonin production in the brain, can bring on depression and suicidal thoughts,”
www.healthline.com/health/menopause/perimenopause-feel-like-im-dying
Indeed, a 2009 study of European women found that women in the perimenopausal period were at an almost 7-fold increased risk of suicidal ideation compared to women in the pre or post-menopausal period or men in any age group
womensmentalhealth.org/posts/suicidality-midlife/

@CousinLucy

Thank you. It's kind of you all to stop by.

It helps to know that they could be cropping up as a way of coping. I have had therapy and I am good at remembering it, generally, but sometimes it's easier to give up. I don't mean by killing myself, I mean by giving into the thoughts and thinking about it like the previous poster says, it's an option when life gets too much. That's why I lean on restriction; it's a slow way to kill yourself and you can renege. But I am feeling a bit depressed so I thought I'd make marks on the calendar.

I'm in my mid 40s. Could it be hormonal? But they have been a common feature throughout my life on occasions before better thinking kicks in.

I just don't know what to do. I am reluctant to go to the GP. They must be overwhelmed right now. I feel like, as a functioning adult in a profession, I will be dismissed as a time waster and it feels a bit selfish. I am smart and we'll presented, my BMI is nearly 20 - am I really suffering? Or just morbidly fascinated? I don't know if I am brave enough to consider private therapy again; I think my therapist might receive my email, roll her eyes and think, "Oh God - why are things never sorted with you?!"

Be brave and contact the therapist. I understand the reluctance but go for it. Be braver and bring to the session your image of them eye rolling at the sight of your email. Don't live your life kind of idly entertaining suicidal thoughts. I have done similar and it has come out in therapy. It hasn't been pretty, I'm not going to lie, but it has changed my quick fire reliance on suicidal thoughts.

No darling, please don’t choose to heal your mental illness by submitting to a different mental illness.
Please seek some help, you deserve to feel better than this.

I’m not sure how much help I can offer but so much of what you say I can relate to.
I often have suicidal thoughts but not the thought to act on them. I find when life gets very difficult or unbearable that’s when I start thinking that way but I think it’s more of a wish for everything to stop.
I’ve felt and thought like that most of my life and like you others would never realise that’s how I felt. I am speaking to a counsellor and at times go round in circles. The same things keep coming back up and I have been worried that she thinks “oh gosh not again, I thought we were finished with that!”. Quite often when we’ve gone over things again she’s reminded me of why I need to talk about it some more or how it’s tied in to something else.
I’m sure your counsellor is the same so take the plunge and book an appointment.