I had an abortion on the 1st January.
I can't express how much I wanted my child but the situation was bad.
They were conceived through an unprotected one night stand. Their dad who was only 20 had already got 5 girls pregnant. He was also very flaky, he'd promise things then never keep to them, he openly admitted he would vanish for months on end without telling his family if they annoyed him even slightly. He had a violent tendency, admitting to beating up his father to the point he was hospitalised and said it with pride. He even once rang me drunk after a fight with his parents saying he needed a place to stay only to pass out in a ditch. I also have no home, no funds and even with government help it's not ideally the life I was for my child. Not the best father but I didn't intend to get pregnant. Drunk stupid hookup. It was my childhood and I want to try and do better for them.
For the first bit the father wanted to keep it then he did a complete 180 and suddenly claimed I was destroying his life. I wanted to keep her but I quickly realised that I couldn't give her the life she deserved. Her father would have been in and out of their life, she'd have a lot of half siblings because no doubt he'll add to the 5 he already conceived. I would have struggled to make ends meet. I didn't want them growing up with daddy and abandonment issues like I did.
But I'm struggling. I went through the experience alone as the father never turned up even though he promised to be there for me even if on the other end of a phone. I was lonely and terrified. The father than ghosted me without even asking if I was okay. Probably a good thing but I could have found comfort in someone who had also lost their child.
My friends try but they either don't know what to say or they call me weak for being sad. I've become obsessed with faking strength to please that of my family and friends and seem strong. My Facebook is full of my school friends either having kids or raising them. The news is full of all these celebrities that are having children. Its eating me away inside. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I just want my baby. Is goes no depeer. I just wish I could hold them. I hate myself every day. I feel so alone and helpless because I can't have a baby as my financial situation isn't where it should be. I can't find a guy who loves me enough to want kids with me. I may have to wait years for the opportunity to be a mother again and I hate it. I hate my life and I'm struggling to keep moving forward. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I just want it to stop.